Happy New Year 2022

It is another final countdown towards the end of a New Year. 

Goodbye 2021 and Welcome 2022! 

It was a good year 2021, full of many blessings and many good things that happened to me, and to us as a family. I end the year in gratefulness, I am grateful for my family, for my friends, for my job and for all the learning that I have accumulated this year, due to the multiple experiences I had. 

It is with joy that I am grateful at the end of the year also for the miracles that I am seeing. I am grateful to see that finally for the past 1-2 days things are getting better for you. I am thankful for this fact, and it is such a good thing! I am still praying and hoping that 2022 will be better than 2021, in the sense that I will have you with us for a longer time. 

I can not focus on other things regarding 2021, considering this was the biggest one, and the hardest one. 

What I know now, and i think I did even before this, is the fact that I need to sit close to You and by doing that, things will be ok. Not necessary that problems will disappear, but the way that this journey will be perceived it will be very different than the way is perceived without being close to You. 

I am so thankful this year for my small family, for my mum and for my sister, i think we ended this year closer to each other and somehow closer to you, and that is great, and I am thankful. These ladies that are my family are amazing, and i really love them, and i want to spend with them every moment i get. 

I am so thankful for the friends I made. I had some friends, i always had friends, but it seems like this year somehow i made more, if that is even possible. Thank you for all the old relationships I have managed to keep and to further develop, and thank you for all the new additions to the gang, I am happy to have some fresh people in my life, and I do not want to take them for granted, I want to continue to invest in them. 

I am sorry about some relationships that did not work through as I expected, so I would like to think better next year, and be more open and available for those who want, need to connect with someone. 

I am also grateful for a great professional year. I managed to learn new things, to grow my team, and to be able to manage my financial resources (although this is an improvement area) where I could have done much better. 

I am grateful for all the people that I met, and that had an impact on me. 

Looking back at 2021, a second pandemic year, it was hard, and many people were alone, feeling alone, suffering from anxiety and depression, but I was not one of them. I was ok, with what was going on in my life. 

I am excited, and humble, curious and a bit afraid of what 2022 will bring. 

But what I am sure of, is that I will not be alone! 

Happy New Year!!! 

Ray of light

 After so many days, waiting for news, and not any kind of news, but mainly good news, today we received some positive information about your situation, and about you. And that made us really happy, and joyful. 

There is hope. We always knew that, that things are in control, but it is very different the relief you feel when you actually receive some good news. It is a very different feeling. 

So we are full of gratefulness for the news that we have received today, the fact that they are considering to move you from the ICU. This is amazing, and it is a huge victory from His hands. 

I can not imagine how grateful you will be when you will actually see us, assuming that once you are in a normal room of the hospital, we might be able to reach you easier. 

But the road is not ending here, you are still sensitive and there are still things that need to improve, so for that we trust that our Father is still at work and will help you. We are also here to support you with all that will be needed, for the recovery. 

I am thinking steps ahead I know, but I am doing my best to just stay present in the moment. We have had good news, we are grateful for them. And we are grateful for you, 

We miss you, very much, the house is still empty without you, and we are waiting for your return, to be able to be complete. 

You are in our thoughts and in our minds! 

Love you loads! 

Happy 70th birthday!

 In all the pain that we are going through, we also have a gratefulness reason (not just one, but a special one). It is about one of the most important persons in our lives that is 70 years old today. 

It is about the one that gave us life, and the one that loves us more than anyone else in the living world. 

I admire her, more and more each day. Initially I was very superficial and there was a lot of judgement in my mind and heart about things she did, decision she made that were not the best. 

Now when I see the decision that I took, that were bad, the challenges that I have, when small unplanned things happen to me, and I panic, I can just turn around in respect and love and look at her. 

She is the bravest person I know, she is always fighting for her family, and for the best life we can have. 

She loves us very very much, and she is not afraid to show us that. 

She loves all the animals that she meets, and they love her back, because she is such a good person. 

She has mercy for different things, and she loves all the children. 

She is the coolest mum, compared with all the other mum's that I met, she is open, outgoing, fun, and a good presence to be around. 

She is such a good servant and she is always willing to help with anything she knows and can. 

She is amazing, and I love her so much! 

I want to have her many many years here on Earth with us, and I want her to meet the love of the One that made her like she is. And if she is like this, how great can the Creator be? I wonder if she realizes that. And I am praying constantly for this. 

This is one of the hardest birthday for her, a constant reminder that life is not always fair, and that things can happen, and we can be surprised. But there is One who holds all things in control, and nothing happens without Him knowing and watching. 

She is a wonder, and I genuinely want to take all that is good from her, and implement it in my life. 

May you live a long, healthy, loving life, and may you grow in a personal relationship with the One that create you, and that loves you so so much! Happy Birthday! 

Christmas days

 It is almost over, the season of Christmas is almost over. And what will remain? the stores are already cleaning up the mess that was done by all the people that went shopping. 

The food is almost finished, and people already start thinking of a new week and they go out to by groceries. The people start thinking about work, and the fact that the weekend is over. 

But for some, for some of us, the Christmas does not end here, after the 3 days, after the weekend. 

The Christmas is carried in our hearts every day of the year, it is about the reality of God becoming flesh and living among us. It is a reality in which we want to live every single day, and in which we would like our dear ones to live in as well. 

This is my prayer for you tonight dear one. That you would get to live Christmas every day from now onwards in your heart, and I pray for a new life in Him for you here on Earth with us, while He blesses you with life, and then eternity, with Him, and with all the others children of God. 

I am sorry for not being close enough to you. Realizing that sometimes the human touch, my touch was all that you needed, and I did not give it to you. 

Mostly because of pride, or shame or whatever emotion that I felt. And now I wonder if I will get another chance, to do all that I did not do, for you. To spend more time with you, to keep you close to me physically, to serve you and to help you. 

I failed you badly. And i am broken because as days go by i acknowledge this reality more and more. I can call myself a believer, a Christian, a sister, family or whatever I want to call myself, but the reality is that I failed completely. 

And I am sorry for only realizing now. They say someone who is suffering only wants to know that he is not alone. And i know that you felt alone often times, and most times was because of me, or because of my absence. But somehow, even though it is a bit unrealistic, I hope and pray that now, you know that I am close to you, and that you are not alone. 

We are there for you and with you. We breathe thinking of you, and we hope and pray for your return home. 

Christmas. While Jesus takes the form of a human, He still touches our hearts and He makes us aware of the sins we have made against Him and against others. He can do that through the Spirit, and simply through a book, or a movie, an event, or a person, through prayer, or through thoughts, He has this power for making us aware of how we failed, and how we are failing at every step we make. 

But I am so grateful, for the debt that was paid at the Cross, by Jesus, the baby that was born. Without Him i would be sent to death, killed for the sins I have committed are many and painful. I have hurt many people, and mostly I have hurt you. 

Father, forgive me, for not showing love when it was necessary. Forgive for not opening my heart and my arms for the person who most needed it, and forgive me for not caring sometimes, as I was focused on my own agenda. 

I thank you for this Christmas, when despite all the pain that I am feeling, despite all the frustration and the unknown, I am getting closer to You, and I get to experience Your loving heart in a very different way. 

Thank you for your everlasting love, thank you for salvation, and thank you for the miracles that I am seeing every day, if and when I open my eyes and heart to see them. 

It is hard to say, but it is a Merry Christmas! 

Christmas Eve

 It is here, the night of the most important birth in the whole world. The night of the birth of Jesus! This is one of the most special times of the year, for everyone, but mostly for Christians who understand more the meaning of the celebration and the commemoration we have today. 

It was a lovely day, started with a snow this morning , beautiful, and then like every good thing it ended with rain, and a very windy and cold evening. Hence there are some carol singers that were brave enough to take it further and go singing on the streets and inform people about the Good News, the birth of Jesus and all that brings to us. 

I use to wait for this night , cause i really enjoy this period, singing carols, eating great food, spending time with family and friends, it is an amazing time. But this year, no matter how hard I try, I can not get into the mood. I decorated the entire house like i always do, i think we have the most lights that a house has inside and outside. 

Just to summarize, i have 2 set of lights outside, with colored bulbs, i have 2 more sets of white bulbs around the house, and 1 Christmas long light, that almost circles the house as well. 

Inside the house we have 2 Christmas trees, of course each one with their set of lights, one set on the staircase, one set on the wall, one set on my desk, and one set on the leg of a lamp. 

Also, on the first floor, we have 1 set of white bulbs, and 2 more lights over the piano and near another desk. So to count them, cause i am an accountant we have : 14 lights in this house, i think we can call ourselves fans. 

So i did that, then i did 2 trees, just in case, or maybe is it because i was bored, or trying to much, the fridge is full of food, and i feel like i can not eat...and yet my spirit is crushed. 

Also, i listened to carols all week, and to different ones, i listen to the sermon in church, and i am not in the mood for celebration . 

I know why I am not. I can't stop thinking about you. I wonder if you know that this is Christmas. I wonder if you know that is 1 month since you are not with us, since you are lying in that bed, and perhaps you are tired of looking at the walls around you. 

I think you must be exhausted from loneliness, and for not being able to speak with anyone, you love to speak, why this needed to happen like this. It must be so difficult. 

I think of your pain, and your suffering, I think about your thoughts and I pray that they are hopeful ones. I can not imagine how it is to be in the ICU for such a long time. 

I think that my most complex thought of imagining is not even close to the actual reality. 

I am suffering, at a smaller scale for sure than you are, but I am suffering because i miss you, and i want you home with us, for Christmas and for the rest of the days. This just makes it a bit complicated cause is a holiday and they say is a family one. But i want you with us every day, not just on a holiday. 

These are hard times that we are going through, specially being separated, and not being able to be in touch. This is the longest that we have been separated, and living one of us alone in a place that she does not like. 

Actually I am lying, there was once instance more in our life. And it was a time of great suffering. A time that i do not recall fully even if i immerse back in my memory and try to bring out things from there. 

I would say is the same, i a way, but in the other way is different, cause you did not do any wrong to anyone, you did not harm anyone, you just wanted everyone to be happy, and you tried to connect with everyone. I do not recall you rejecting anybody, in your entire life. And that is amazing. 

You are amazing, and I need you to come home for me to be able to tell you all the things that I want to say, all the questions that I have for you, all the discoveries that I want to make with you. 

I know we are connected, and no matter what anyone might tell me, I know you know what I am thinking, and know this, I have a big hope that you will be back home with us. I know that you are stronger than anyone things, I know that you have high friends and I am sure that God loves you so so much, and He is at work for you, and for his Glory to be seen in your story. 

Please obey and push through this, please remember that we are here, just a couple of km away from the place that you are in, and that we are waiting for you. If they would call me now , I would run to pick you up and bring you home, and take care of you, no matter how hard would be. 

It is Christmas, and I honor Jesus, and I am so thankful that He was born, that He lived and that He died, and because of Him we can live to now, and forever, but I m not able to celebrate this season without you. 

I need to stop trying so hard. I simply can not rejoice right now, and that is ok. My mind is with you, on that lonely bed in the ICU, tied to those machines that are running day and night, tight to the ventilator that secures your breathing, tight to your heart that is fighting for life, and more than anything tight to your mind to have the right thoughts, and tight to your soul so that you feel all this love that is overflowing to you, from soul to soul. 

You are so precious, and I love you, now and forever, here or somewhere else, you are my true sister. 

Almost Christmas .....painful for some

1 day left till the Christmas Eve, most special time of the year, not for all the gifts, or for all the lights and the Christmas trees, but because of the moment when the Son of God took the humble form of a human being, and from there the history of the world, and of each individual has changed significantly. 

It is a blessed period of remembering what Love did for us, and what Love He had for us to come down and really experience how it is to be part of the creation, feeling all that we are feeling, surprise, hunger, thirst, joy, loneliness and finally suffering, defeat and pain. 

I know I should be focused on all of the above, and I should actually continue to give praise for all that was given to us, and to me, but a part of me is just sad, and in pain, for having to spend this Christmas without you. 

When I look at everything, when I zoom out it is clear that in this bigger picture there are many things that are happening that are good things, and we could even say that are miracles, as many people including doctors thought that you will not make it, but here we are and you are still alive. And I am grateful for that!

But when I zoom in, into my thoughts and into all the fibers of my body and of my mind, I find so many things and so many levels of pain and suffering that I did not know they even exist. 

I was numb to suffering, i think i felt it, but i never experienced in the way that I am experiencing it now. And this is the beginning, cause as they say, this is a long road. 

I sometimes feel every heart beat that is hurting me, I keep thinking that I might die, before seeing you again. I feel that my brain is frozen sometimes, and I am circling in the same idea over and over again. 

Sometimes I am like very happy, seems like nothing happened, and I am in denial. I do not know how to process all of this. 

I do not know how to process your absence, and your presence in the same time. All the unknown that is around me, about you, about our future life, about God, about the future in general. 

It is overwhelming. 

Then the tears, sometimes they appear without being asked to come, and sometimes is like a dessert, there are no tears....they simply are hiding somewhere and they delay to appear. 

And this is the perfect occasion for the guilt to appear and to challenge me, that I am not as involved as I should be, is like the involvement or love for a person is measured on the quantity of tears that are being disposed. 

How can I blend the good vibe and joy of Christmas with all the sadness and despair for what is happening in our lives? 

I am praying for you and for us, and I know that God is already working on our family, and on our prayers. He is hearing them, and He has a plan, that at this moment we do not understand! 

But I know that despite what I am feeling, the key is to go deep in the Christmas essence, in the life, the death and the resurrection of Christ, and while I do that, I think hope will arise. 

Hope for victory! Victory here on this Earth, or victory while defeating the death and the grave, like You did! As your follower, that is what I am desiring for myself and for all my dear ones, to defeat the death and be victorious in Christ! 

Merry Christmas, and let us not forget, the Greatest Gift of all! 

Sweet encounter

 An unexpected blessing tonight. I call it blessing because it was a rare occasion, to see you. And she had it, so I am thankful. 

The bound between a mother and her sons or daughters is unbreakable. We often joke about the invisible chord that keeps a husband connected to his mother, but to be honest is the same with the daughter. It is just a universal truth that the connection with the mother, that "virtual" chord is never broken. 

Today it was that day, when a suddenly cut chord between a mother and a daughter, was suddenly re attached, and it was amazing. The blood supply started to happen, and the two were connected like they were never separated. 

I can imagine the scenery, walking into the room, seeing the daughter, tears in her eyes, and approaching her, touching her face, hair and forehead. 

Amazing love in one picture. A drop of life from one to another, and vice versa. That is how powerful love is, that is how powerful a mother's love is. 

I experienced that as well, but only from tales, cause i was not present, but it still touched my heart deeply, and i remained in awe around what love can bring. 

Grateful that this encounter happened, despite the little possibilities that were available. 

Praying that it will have great consequences for both parties, and praying for healing and for a swift return to home. 

Children are a gift, but not for the satisfaction of having them, or for what they can provide, but rather for the great bond that never vanishes.

Written by someone who will most probably never experience motherhood. 

Almost there - 1 month

 Late night, or late evening, not sure what is best. Surrounded by Christmas lights, by good books discussing the meaning of life and the problem of pain I think of you. 

I am utterly tired, but I do not want to go to sleep. Seems like sleeping now, while you are not here is a right that I do not have. Sometimes I feel the need to punish myself for what is going on. And one form of doing that is being sleep deprived. 

That is a part of the story, the other part is that I am full of worry for you. And despite the fact that I seem pretty logical and coherent, I am worried about you, and I am doing my best to keep my anxiety under control, and sometimes I am successful but other times I am not. 

Well, it is like that for other people too. 

I wonder many times about God, and His view on this entire situation. I wonder what does He feel? I know that I often say that God feels with You and that He is crying in your room, but is He really like that? 

Or He simply does not care, about what his little humans are up to? Why would He care? It is a global pandemic, so there are many more people suffering and in pain, so He would need to be crying a lot if this crying is the true story of what God is doing. 

But I wonder how and why allowed God this pandemic? Or the issues that you are having now? Or my temporary deafness (i say is temporary, cause i am an optimist, but for sure is permanent)? Or all the other bad things that happen in the world?

Why is He silent, and He does not come to explain Himself to why all of this is happening ?

I do not have an answer yet, I am sometimes surprised that I ask the question. I am usually not really challenging God, or other people as a matter a fact. 

But I fell is important, at least to put the things down, and to think about them. To read about them in the Scripture and in other books that are recommended. 

For sure no one that goes through pain, will be the same at the end of the tunnel...they will be changed. Some will be slightly bruised, some will have a complete shift in their mind...and for sure there will be no one left untouched. 

The effects of suffering are mainly good effects, you are gaining maturity even if you are not fully convinced you need it, you are tested and you passed, cause you reached at the end of the tunnel, and for sure you are more sensitive to other people's pain. 

And than there is death. At the end of suffering, it is death...spiritual, emotional and physical one. All of them are painful, and all of them happen alone. 

I do not know anyone that died spiritually, emotionally or physically with someone else, these are things we face alone, and we need to face them alone. 

I pray when this happens, that we will all be ready to face them, or that we will get some external strength.

For sure is not easy, but it is partially beautiful, a transformation, into something better, more like Him. 

We should talk more often about death, there is something...that makes the conversation more meaningful. Cause if we want our life to be meaningful, for sure deep down we want our death to be double meaningful... so that people could remember us...for the good things. 

Day 28 - still without you

 When counting the days on the calendar, I needed to count them twice, cause I can not believe that 28 days have passed. Time is an interesting element, although you know it passes, sometimes it moves so slowly, but then when you look back, you just realize how much has passed. 

So, I am in a sort of denial regarding the number of days that have passed since you left home. I wonder if you realize that it is almost one month since we are separated. It hurts. 

And the unknown is difficult. It often feels like a bad dream, and I am waiting to wake up and see that it did not happen. But at the same time, I wonder what if this is actually a good dream, and I will soon wake up into a worst one. I pray God this is not or will not be the case. 

We feel empty in these moments, when we are alone, and when the evening comes, and we can connect with our soul. We feel the sadness, and the pain coming up from the feet towards the legs, abdomen, stomach and throat. It is a somatic experience. 

I wonder, and we wonder about you, how are you? is it still you ? do you still have the power, patience and energy to fight for life? I hope you do, and I pray you do. 

I pray for all the people there, to treat you kindly, and to help you with the pain, and with all the rest.

I feel so many things about this situation, and I am not able to express them all in words. 

I know you, and I know your resilience, and I know you are not alone! He is with you, and you know that. He can give you the power you need to go through this challenge that you have right now. And in any case, no matter how this ends, for you is a win win- on one side you will come back to us, home, with your family, or on the other side, you will go home to Him! I am sure He awaits for you with open arms, it can not be in other way. 

But for sure, we are also waiting for you with open arms, and with more love than we perhaps showed before this event. So push through all of this! Be a conqueror in any way is best for you!

I love you always! 

Another late night post

 I made you a poster, and I hope it will reach you tomorrow, and I hope you will be encouraged by seeing the number of people that care about you, and wait for you to come home. 

You are so important to us. I was talking to one of our neighbors today and he also told me that he knows you are strong and he has full confidence that you will make it, and that you will come home to us. 

I echo the same, I know you are strong and you can push through, so in this late night, this is my prayer and my thought for you. Please push through. I can imagine that you might be tired of all that is going on while you are just laying down, but think about us reunited, and that should hopefully give you some strength to push through. 

Our days are lonely, and we do not know how to fill our time, so I can not say we are always taking the right decisions, and the right investments, but at least we are trying to take our minds off this challenging situation. 

Not that we are not thinking about you, cause for sure we both are, multiple times per day, it is hard for you and for us. 

But we will come out stronger from this experience, the three of us!  

Carols for you

 Tonight it was a different kind of evening, it was an evening with carols for you and for other people that are in the Cluj Hospitals. Together with a group we went to sing carols in the courtyard of the hospitals. I am not sure you have heard them, but I am hoping you did. 

She was there too, although I did not think she would be interested in joining me, hence she did, and I think she kind of enjoyed it. 

It is the Christmas time that reminds us all about a baby that was born in a manger, and that baby saved our lives and promised us eternity, if we are ready to accept Him in our hearts. This is something that you already know, I would probably not have known if it wasn't for you, so I pray that tonight you heard the carols and you remembered about Christ, and the offer he has for you, and I hope you already accepted it. 

Also, I am hopeful as it is a miracle season, that we can get a miracle, which is have you back home, healthy to be able to live more years with us in our small family.

We miss you very much, we are counting the days, and today is already day 21....without you. And for you is day 21 of challenges, and of pain both physically and emotionally. I pray you do not have the notion of time there, and that you think the time is less...cause I think this would already overwhelm you and touch upon your positive spirit. 

I pray you keep something from your positive spirit while you are in this agonic period, and you do not know what is next. I wish I could do something more...for you....for us...for all of this, but unfortunately I can not...i can pray, write, talk and think about you, which i am doing. And much more. 

I love you...and i love this carol, that i am leaving her as a memoir of this evening...

A different kind of post

 Today was such a cold and rainy day, and to be honest it was very difficult to sit in the house and do nothing, just sit and think of the great issues of life. 

And it seems like avoidance is something that I like doing and probably most of us like to avoid things that hurt us. This is what was said to me again today, by someone, who in the end seems wise, I just did not know till today. 

It was good to spend two hours away in the cold, it has been now almost 20 days since I have not done that, so I was grateful to be able to experience this. And not by myself but actually in good company. 

I learned something about myself today, and that is that I am human, and that I am able to express my thoughts and my feelings accurately, I am able to have a decent conversation even when I feel broken inside. And I can be an ok company in times like that. I do appreciate all the people that make time for me in this season, it is a gift, and I am opening it, without having second thoughts. 

I also learned that sometimes I do not have enough patience, and I am not such a good listener, as I believe to be. Sometimes I contradict people too early, so I must consider letting them finish before imposing my thoughts or opinions. Is just common courtesy. I learned that I like to spend time with different people, and that I can flex where needed, and engage in high to detail level of discussion.

If our situations were vice versa, I am not sure I would have been able to get so close to the persons and have such a heart to heart conversation, and this is more then appreciated, the courage and the openness to speak to someone going through this challenges. 

What is to appreciate and to notice is the way God is orchestrating all of this , and bring up the right people for the right moments, people who are comforting, people who are watching over, people who are praying, people who are spoiling us...it is such a unique gift, to see and to sense all this care, from human beings...i am overwhelmed. 

I hope this message of hope can go through barriers and reach you too. Because it is the same when it comes to you my dear, everyone is thinking about you, and want to be there close to you, as close as it is possible in the current scenario. Rest assure, that care is the word for you as well. People are getting closer to God while this is happening, and I pray that you are getting closer to Him as well. 

I trust and hope that you are getting better. It is going to be a hard week this week, but I am confident that we will come through with life, and with Life. 

Love love love - all you need is love

 There are so many conflicting thoughts that we have in our minds, sometimes we think an immediate doctor support is better than anything else, but then we are thinking the soft side, and we realize that love and knowing that you are loved are the best medicines. 

Of course not to underestimate the power of the medicine, but for sure a patient who is not sure that is loved can have smaller chances of survival, so we do not want something like this. 

That is why we are trying to be very creative and find ways to support with that, how to pass our thoughts and our love to you, while we have no access. 

So far we are leveraging a lot the spiritual side of things, and we are praying that God will reassure you that we , our family really love and care for you, then I am thinking more and more often about the telepathic thinking, and I hope that some of our thoughts are perceived by you as well. 

And of course, more to that is actually the practical things that we are thinking to do, that are related to messages sent by nurses, doctors or people who work in the hospital. 

Is not easy to manage to transfer these things to you. But truly we love you deeply, and we are waiting for you to get better and to come home. 

It is excruciating pain for us to not be able to do much for you, and I am sure beside the pain in your body that you also experience this pain that I am describing. 

God is the only love that can keep all of us together, and all of us sane. So I pray to God to have mercy on our family and help us go through this experience, and come out of it as conquerors. 

In the meanwhile...love is all around...we just need to notice it. 

Day 19...feeling a bit of desperation

 Almost 20 days, since you are struggling and fighting for your life, and the news is mixed, sometimes is good news, or we perceive it as such, and sometimes is bad, or they say it is bad, or we perceive as bad. 

Another complication appear, and I felt like this was too much for us, and I am sure for you too. 

This is mostly what I am wondering about now. I wonder how are you, and what are you thinking? I just want to have a post solely around thoughts and feelings, no medical information. 

Seems like patients in your condition experience some feelings that are terrifying, and this is only from reading some articles. I hope you are the exception, and I pray for this. 

I honestly pray and wish that you would focus only on getting better and exiting, i pray that for the moments when you feel the desperation and the fear, that you find a way through God, us or something else to move away from those terrible feelings. 

I wonder what kind of positive feelings you could have while being submitted to different procedures, and while not being able to breathe on your own, and just being stuck to a bed...with no ability to do anything. 

I struggle to find a positive feeling right now. I think HOPE, this is the only one that can grab you and like a drug can take you further including in dreaming with you eyes wide open. Hope is the feeling that can get you away from all the other bad things, so I pray that HOPE will be your ally, and that it will be everywhere in your mind.

That no matter what you would do, the Hope should not give you rest. You should just continue to hope that things will get better and they will. We are all praying for a miracle, and because you are one, and your life is one, we do have faith that you living can be another one. 

So push through this, and have an infusion for hope, so that no vessel can be refilled with something else. Please ... while you find hope, God will be there as well, and he will bring peace and love with the hope, and that is what I pray, that in all of what is happening and is not little, i pray that you could start with hope, filling in all your painful areas both physically and emotionally and spiritually and all the rest. 

Is a lesson for us as well, so let's reunite together, and choose Hope, like a way of living, and not an on off button. 

Day 17

 Just an acknowledgement, that we have already 17 days since you are not home. And the same number of days since we are waiting to know things about you, and statuses around your health and the time when might return back home.

Things are moving so slow, while I am sure for others time is running too fast to be grabbed. But for us is not the case. This is how it is when you miss someone, and probably this will not get easier. 

This is what they were meaning when they said this is a long run, and not a sprint. Is a long run, full of worries, and doubts, and concerns, but also a long run of learning to be dependent on God, to pray, and to ask for help in so many things... 

This is yet a moment when we feel small and insignificant in the wider scheme of things, but I know there is more to this, and that by having You as a Father, things are different, and we have grace that will deliver us. 

But is ok not to be ok, is ok to feel this ache that is not going away, even though we hear happy music, is ok to feel the sadness and the frustration of not getting the desired information and the desired outcome. 

I will continue to count the days till your return, and I am hopeful that God will not end this story like this, but rather differently, and He will reunite us ...hopefully here on Earth, or if not...in a different place, a place where there will be no more pain or suffering, and where tears will no longer be.

I cherish and I value more your tears, now that you are not home with me. I wish I could change the things. But I can not do that. It is like a fire....that is burning us to show the precious metal that we have inside. 

It's Christmas, and I like this new carol... an old fashion one...

Wake up call..

 As it was not enough, feeling numb, or taking the good news as they are, today we had another shoot of cruel reality, from him, the military doctor. 

Still trying to digest, the things he said, and still trying to comprehend what does it mean for us and for you. It hit us once again, like it does from time to time...the fact that you are not well, and that things are so very complicated, and no one knows what will happen. 

My dearest, you are so precious for us, and for Him as well, so we kindly ask you to focus and push your efforts into getting better and better, and come home to us. 

You are in our mind, and thoughts and prayer, and we really hope and wait for the moment when you will be home with us. 

Please push through! 

Saint Nicholas's Day

 Evening of Saint Nicholas. The story in my country confirms that during this evening and night Saint Nicholas is travelling house by house to give to the good kids some nice presents.

In my country Saint Nicholas usually brings only sweets to the good kids, and he adds them into their shoes. 

It is a nice tradition, and we are expecting it every year. 

But now, for us it is a bit different. We have prepared all the gifts that Saint Nicholas brought, but it makes us said that you are not here with us. 

It is a very difficult period and the sadness creeps into our heart and soul. We are waiting for you to come home. As Christmas is approaching, I hope we will all be together. 

In the mean while, you are in our hearts, and prayers!!! 

Empty weekends

 Saturday evening spent quietly at home. 

Thinking about you! You will be pleased to know that the painting with the unicorn is ready, available for you to receive it when you come home. 

Talked today with a couple of our friends, they all wish you the best, and they are hoping for excellent news and a timeline for your return home. 

I hear that things are slightly better with you, and I am hopeful that we will soon be reunited. 

A picture more than 1000 words, waiting for you. 

Loneliness in all shapes and forms - victory prevails

 The long chain of daily posts continues. I started these in a way for you, but actually it turns out it is beneficial for both of us, and hopefully for some random people that come across these notes. 

For any reader, these are personal notes in a way, and this is simply a window for me to put down some thoughts, and challenges. This is not aiming to attract a huge number of readers or to generate any type of fame or revenue. 

Is just a window to my soul, and my brain and heart. 

The funny thing when you are going through challenges and periods of unknown, or experiencing any kind of loss is the loneliness feeling that you get, and the awkwardness of people around you. 

There are several types of people that are usually around us, in our group of friends or acquaintances. There are those who are very supportive, and even if they are not in your proximity you can feel they are there to support you, make themselves available, no conversation is too tabu for them to have, and they are the ones that keep the rhythm of life going, and a certain normality. 

Than you have the ones that wish you well, and that occasionally they come in and check on you, but they do not do anything more, so you do not actually expect anything more from them, cause it is simply a check and if all is ok, they carry on, for sure if things would not be ok they would jump to support. 

Last but not least, there are those peculiar ones, sometimes even your close friends, or family. They are the ones, that just ghost you, you know they are there, watching, waiting for the next things, for sure they will jump in case needed, but they pretend like nothing is going on...and although they say they are there for you, you do not feel it, cause they do not express anything emotionally. 

Is just a peculiar situation, in which you are really triggered to push back and mind your own business. 

And surprisingly, this is where the pain comes from. These are the set of people that make you feel very lonely, and misunderstood. So even though you actually are alone, and you have a big burden to carry in the situation you are, these people are just making it worst....by pushing you into a dark corner of loneliness. So this is like very sad....but is something that I discovered through my experience. 

The learning is...life and death, good situations and bad, problems and achievements, successes and failures are part of life. And as friends we are called to be supportive with one another. In a very material world, we are called to be more emotionally supportive, then just materially. 

So not to be discouraged if something like this happens, but rather to ask about the emotional support needed in such a period, and those wise people, will understand , and will give it to you. 

On loneliness, perhaps the greater loneliness than this is the loneliness you experience in a hospital when waking up after a few days of sleeping. I can only imagine, the surprise and the panic that someone might feel waking up surrounded by strangers. 

But I am confident that you were wise, and able to cope with the surprise, and focus on the actual victory the fact that you woke up and saw again the light, and the people. And I am thankful for all of that. 

Today was a day of victory, we are so happy for the good news we have received after a week of only bad news! We continue to pray and hope for more good news and for recovery. 

Your time has not come yet! and this is my ask to God, to keep you more here with us! 

Our thoughts are with you, every minute of the day, we wake up and we think of you, we do something in the house, we think of you, we play with the pets ...again you are in our minds. 

We are praying along with many other persons for you, I trust you can feel the effect of these prayers. He promised that He would listen to any prayer that comes from a honest heart! And we are coming honestly asking for His help! we are desperate for His support, and we know that without Him nothing can happen. 

The biggest loneliness in life, is to live it without God! And for sure I do not want that for myself or for my dear ones. I pray that this is a time of reflection for everyone. 

Victory prevails...is just what He promised, and we need to stay anchored in that. 

Wondering and wonders

 Another evening, a December evening, the year is almost gone, I am not sure when it all happened, seems like yesterday it was January, and I was worried about how to survive the COVID19 threats. 

And here we are, December 2021 and you are not here with us. This journey of yours is actually triggering all these posts and all the thoughts that are running wildly in my head. I wonder about many things, things that I have influenced, things that just happened to me, things that I did not even realize they were happening to me. 

But there are wonders happening too, small wonders about the family, me and mum, you being stable, and us praying and connecting more with the Source of life. 

Small wonders between friends, and bonds that are getting closer, that is good. 

We are still hopeful, for a miracle, we are hoping for the good thing to happen, and that good thing is you being well, and coming home to us!

It is the wonder and the miracle in one, and we keep on thinking and asking for it. 

I know you can feel these thoughts and these things that I am writing and the asks that we make for you to get better and return to us. 

Please push through this, be strong and get better, we all believe in you, and we are ready to celebrate your return home. 

Is just how December is , full of wonders and miracles. 

Thinking about you!

 Day after day and night after night, for more than a week now, I am thinking about you. I am thinking and praying for your recovery and your return home. 

I wonder if you know or if you knew that if something like this would happen, I would do that? 

I never imagined this, till now. It is impressive how anxiety is useless. Nothing I have imagined in my anxiety regarding my life, is matching with the actual scenario. So the learning for me, and for others (from my experience) is that anxiety is lying to us, and it uses so much of our energy and strength for something that is never quite the same. 

So, this is a tip for thinking twice about being anxious. 

I am thinking about you sleeping and dreaming about us, I hope you remember the good times we had together with our small family, the different activities we did, the long discussions and fights we had.

You are so precious for us, and we are waiting for our reunion in the house. 

Gracie is playing around even now, at almost 11 o clock at night. She is so crazy :) . And she makes us smile, specially in this period when reasons for smiling are less than before. 

It is true she is biting, and she is scratching us, and does not let us sleep, but we love her dearly. 

Everyone else, is the same, but they are all waiting for you patiently. 

I hope you know that. 

Push through...and come home! 

Another late night post

 One week, since we last talked, and we talked about decisions, decisions that impacted your life. 

On one side, I am very sorry that in our last conversation till date, we only talked about this subject, and I am sorry because I was perhaps too pushy. 

But I did that only because I knew how important it is for us as a family!

Here we are, one week later, and the situation is a complicated one. I hope that things will get better, I pray for that, and I have faith that this can happen, and will happen. 

Hang on, and continue to fight, for life, and for a reunion. 

We are thinking about you, every minute almost, and we wait for good news. 

This does not end now. 

We have HOPE! 

A bit overwhelmed

 Hey ya, 

Actually, I am a bit overwhelmed, today more than 100 people thought about you, and prayed for you and for your life. You need to understand this is not small, and these not all the people that care about you, but there are more, these are just the ones that I have managed to contact on such a short notice. 

The point is that everyone misses you, and everyone wants you back! We pray life over your body, mind and over your soul! Please hear us, and please understand everyone wants you to be alive and to be part of whatever things are happening here. 

You are such a strong person, and I am sure that we are able to be connected and you know my thoughts in part...and you know that this can not simply end like this. 

I need you to push through this, and come back here at home, for us to be together, and celebrate life, and this victory that you are achieving as we speak. Please listen to me, and please fight this, and come back to us. 

The ladies from work are chasing me for updates, more regularly than a Swiss clock, they care so much about you and they love you so so much. I never realized how much they care, and what special bound you have with them. Even now, like through all my life, you are teaching me a valuable lesson, for which I am reading books, but actually you are the living walking book. 

Please hear me out, and please push through whatever this is going on. Your time has not yet come, we finally are together all of us, in a lovely place, in peace, connected, with limited worries....and now this happens.

I love you, please feel this love your way, and please come home!

 

Small wins...but actual miracles...thank you!

 Lord You hear us, when we cry, You hear us when we praise You, and You hear us when we complain. 

Thank you Father for hearing our prayers today for this surgery! We were really worried, and we are seeing You at work. Father You give and You take the life, and we need to obey and accept your will. 

And that is what we are doing now! 

Father I declare we will accept your will, even if it will hurt us deeply to see the ending of such a lovely human being, but Lord we ask You to have mercy, and to help her, and to keep her alive! Father she can be transformed both in her body and in her mind! I can be transformed, and my mum!

And Father, many will turn to You, because of her, and the work You are doing in her life!

Again, it is Your will and You are Sovereign, but Father we know You loved us so much You gave Your son for our lives. Please Lord let her recover and get better!

Father please speak to her, help her fight this, and push for life, to come back to us Lord! We need her and she is so precious to us. 

Forgive us Father that we did not see that... when it was the right time to be seen, and please give us a second chance to show this care to her, more often. 

In Jesus's name!

Amen

Prayer ...Oh God please hear us

    Dear Father, I know you hear us, and I know You are watching over us. Thank you for allowing us to take the right decisions for life, that is what we desire. 

Father, as this surgery is approaching, please fill that room with your presence! Father, please give her life, please keep the organs working, and Father please be with her while this is ongoing. 

Lord, I am not sure where is her mind in all of this, but please help her meet You. Father speak to her, and help her choose You as Lord and Savior. 

Father please save her soul, and let her call your Name!  

Father, I know you listen to your children praying, so please listen to this prayer, and save my sister. 

Save her soul first and then please save her body too. 

Father, I know You are in control, and You are present there with all the doctors, and nurses, please Lord have mercy and touch her soul and her heart. And Father, if is Your will, please heal her.

I am not bargaining in any way, cause I know You are real, and I know You are all powerful! 

But Lord I am so tempted, to offer something in exchange of her life. 

Please Lord, have mercy...and restore her, and us. 

In Jesus's name I pray!

Amen. 

Imagine...your funeral

    If people would ask me right now to imagine my funeral, I could easily describe it. Family, church friends...other friends, and a time to remember the amazing work God has done in my life. 

I would hope for people to come rejoicing in a way, and with memories of great and good things we did together. If possible I would like to have some fluffy stuffed animals in my journey towards the other world, Heaven. 

Yes, I believe my funeral would be a road to Heaven. 

What if I am requested to plan or to think about someone else's funeral? what then? 

And specially if this is a person that is close to my heart, and very very dear to me. What than? 

How did we ever reach into this stage, when I need to decide for you, and to plan such things? 

Why am I doing this before the actual reality kicks in? Do I deny miracles? 

Father...I believe in miracles, at least rationally. Such a confusing sentence. But I do believe, I have heard and I have friends who experienced miracles, sudden healing of themselves, or the people they loved. So it is possible, for us to experience this! I am praying for a miracle, but then...I stop, and I m only thinking about death, and about the fact that this is the end of the chapter, and I can not help it. 

I wish this post, at least the part with the funeral would not come true this time, I want to choose the miracle, I want to imagine the miracle that You can do, to skip the funeral, and to see the LIFE.  

I choose MIRACLE!

Forgiveness thoughts ....while you are sleeping

   The news we are getting from you, are troubling us, to so many levels. I wish I could take your place, and share the suffering with you. 

I can not imagine all the pain and the suffering that you are going through, right now, or that you went through before my dear. 

I pray that right now, you are sleeping a good sleep, and you can rest while the organs are recovering to be able to sustain life better tomorrow. 

I pray that you do not feel any pain in your body, and that you push your organs to react tomorrow as expected.

I am closer to mum, I am trying to prepare her in a way for what I am afraid will come. Sometimes I think you will not make it, I sense that you are not fighting anymore for life, that you are tired, and you want to escape from this suffering. 

I look back and I happy I embraced you before I left home on Thursday, but I am sad because I did not handle myself well when I drove you to the hospital. Excuses now are too late, and there is no point for them. 

I want to ask for forgiveness for all the moments in which I showed you that I did not love you. It is so not true. I love you so very much, you are my perfect sister, and i really appreciate you and your care. 

Please forgive me for not spending enough time with you, I should have chosen better. I am guilty for focusing on my life, and on my friends, and not taking care of my family, please forgive me for this as well. 

I am so sorry for my bad language and for all our fights, specially in the last months....I just did not get you very well, and i know this is not an excuse. 

Dear God, I ask You humbly to forgive my sins, and all the above things that I remember right now, plus the many other that I do not remember. Father forgive me, and help me through Jesus to not repeat the same errors. 

Please Father touch her heart now, while she is sleeping and comfort her, with our love, and with our desire to have her back in the house. 

Father you are the greatest doctor in the world, and in the universe, please have mercy, and please give her power to fight. Or Father if it is best for her to go to You, then please meet her in her suffering and please help her accept You as Lord and Savior. 

Father, please help us, mum and I to be able to cope with whatever this night will bring, and let us take one day of the time. I know you have tomorrow in Your hand, so we will not worry right now. 

Please Father help us find You, and connect with You more in this trial! 

Another post ...while we keep waiting

    I miss you every moment, seems like this big house is empty without you. Time is passing so slow, and we do not know what to do, and how to fill the hours in your absence. We clean and we clean the house, like this could ever change the way we feel, or if it would replace you. 

We try to keep our minds occupied, until we hear some good news about you.

The reality is that we are not desiring any bad news in your regard, only good news. 

Everyone is keen to know how are you, everyone is praying and sending you good thoughts and they are all waiting for you to get better and come back home. 

I am sorry for this suffering, I am sorry that you had to go through this, and so abruptly. 

I am not clear why God would allow this to happen to you, and all the rest...I think I will only find out when I will be on the other side. And I hope I will be there with you, and not just alone, or with mum (if a miracle happens). 

I am praying that God would meet you in this trial, and that you would feel comforted by Him, and secured in His hand. 

If I am thinking, I know you must be in terrible pain, and I pray for the doctor and nurses and for all the people around you to treat you properly and to help you manage this pain. I know your mind must be terrible stressed, and your anxiety is overwhelming. 

I pray for that to decrease, not sure if is humanly possible, in such a situation, but I am asking God to help with this, and to do something so that you feel the love we have for you, the care that everyone has for you, and the fact that we all want you to get better and come home. 

Perhaps you are thinking about death, and if you are there. I pray this would not frighten you, but rather get you thinking about God and about us. I pray for courage in this trial, I pray for power to fight and to come back better and alive against all odds. 

I know how strong and resilient you are! so i am asking you and God to help you fight this! and I am asking God to delay this illnesses that you have that can be lethal in your case. 

I want to celebrate life together with you! I am sorry for all the times when I did not celebrate life. I am sorry for the times when I put others on the first place instead of you, I am sorry for not being the sister you wanted. But I can change, I can be better, and I can love you more with acts of love, rather than just with words.

I love you, and I always had. You are my hero, you are my big sister, the one that endured so many things in this life, and now, she can overcome this. You are strong and stubborn, use both and God's help to overcome this, please. 

We miss you, and we want you back! Our lives are just empty in your absence, and it seems like a big purpose of life is gone...for the moment, till you come back. 

Remember, that you are in our thoughts, prayers and wishes to come back and be with us for many years ahead! 

 

Thanksgiving post

 Celebrating Thanks giving without you at home, is not a real thanks giving, so it was not properly celebrated, however, I am thankful today, I am thankful for life, and I am thankful for love and for hope. 

Not to dismiss all the other benefits and gifts that I have, such as material blessings, and friends, and pets and all of that, but in this moment, with the current situation, and with you being away, I am just thankful for these ones.

I am thankful for life, the life that runs through you now, and through us as well. And I pray that life continues to run in our bodies. I pray that our organs would fight the battle to be alive and to be able to sustain life as long as possible. I pray that our blood would circulate clean and clear, and that no blocker should arise. I also pray for all the other organs to support our bodies, and I pray that we could be fully functional at least for another 20 years, so that we could age together, and enjoy our time together.

I am thankful for love, cause it exists. And because we saw it on the Cross. And because of that love, we can love as well, and not a mere physical love, but something deeper, that love where a life is shared for th sake of another. An endless love that crosses the space and time. And that is the type of love a sister has for another sister, and for other family members. No matter what, family love each other, always.

I am thankful for hope, cause hope is what keeps us alive mentally. Hope is the invisible engine that keeps the car moving. Hope is the fuel that takes us to the next stop. And I hope that you agree with this statement, and I hope that you are hoping for life and for a return home to be with us. You are soo loved by us, and that is what I would like to celebrate today.

Happy Thanksgiving my dear R! 

Unbreakable bound

 Two like us who share such a strong bond. We always found a way to connect, and I am sure we are finding it now. I miss you already, and there is nothing I can do.

I wish I could bring you home, I wish I could just do something, as I am an action oriented woman rather than anything else. 

I hope this bond that unites us, is able to give you strength, power and mostly love. I pray that you feel my love close to your heart. And I pray you would feel me and know that i am thinking about you almost every moment. 

Forgive me for all the things that I did wrongly, forgive me for the bad words I used, for the lack of patience to hear you out, for not spending the time I wanted to spend with you, for not being there for you when you needed. 

I love you, so so much, and you are one of the most important people in my life. Please find the power within you to fight this, and to come back so that we could do, all the things we planned to do, and all those i want us to do. 

I know we are connected, and I am sure you can feel, and hear the echo of these words, even though we are separated! Lord, we need a miracle to happen, please have mercy. 

New pet in the house - Grace

   When I started this journey of naming pets and of getting new pets, I did not think of the times when the pet could come into our home, and how we will be when that would happen. 

And here we are, with a small baby kitten, that came into our home directly from Lepsa county, back in October. And she was so lucky to be found, that we named her Lucky, and because we believed she was grateful, we called her Grace, so full name Lucky Grace. 

She loved this cat, really enjoyed her company and fulling around with her, I think it was really a joy for her to experience a baby kitty in the house.

I did not think that when i wrote 6 words ..they will have such an impact: this autumn is all about gratefulness. 

How can i express and practice gratefulness when I feel like my world is falling apart? 

A subject for another post, let s see Grace, a saved cat! 

A prayer for life..

Unclear where to start from in this post, note or prayer. 

We have reached an end state almost, even though I am reluctant to accept it. Seems like the train reached the finish line, and I am completely in denial. 

I want to be able to celebrate life once again, I am desperate to see this happening once again. I am asking to have a chance at this life once again, i am praying for life to continue. 

I know there is a circle of life, and somewhere the math is done by someone, but would it be to presumptuous of me  to pray and to hope for life?

If there is 1% chance of life, I want it for her, for the precious one, for the resilient one. 

I know everyone is already praying for her life, but I want to join this prayer, and I want to spend a lot of time in this, and I want to have faith that God can do this for us, and prolong life. 

Whenever I close my eyes, I can feel it, the desperation that creeps  in just because I have a strong feeling that life will be soon lost. But I can not accept it so easy, she is an overcomer, so I am confident that with the help of God, she will be well! 

Father, You know my heart, and You know my desires, please Father help us, please Father poor your love into her life, and please extend it, as long as you want to. I trust You with my life, and I trust you with hers.

In Jesus's name I pray for life on her! Please hear me out!

The valley...a journey with victory in the end

 Spoiler this is not a happy post, so if anyone is not in the mood, they should avoid this one instance in which I am not able to focus on the bright side. 

So we are here, after a week of pain and challenges, with a leg in the hospital and one out. I am feeling numb, although it seems like my lacrimal system is working slightly better than in the past years. 

Actually this is a positive in all of this. I am frustrated cause I feel stuck, and there is not much that I can do. I can not even convince her around the decision that she might take. 

Why I do not trust her? Perhaps she is right, and this is not needed, but how do I know? Surprisingly in this situation, my anxiety is pretty quiet, unclear how come. The object is there in front of me, and somehow I feel at peace. Is this the peace that comes from above? Perhaps, as I have never experienced it. 

At times I just realize that I am thinking about death, and that one of my biggest fears is here, if something happens to her. And then the second minute, i am again calm, and relaxed, like dying is the most normal thing ever. 

Death is a known destination, for me and for all of us. I need to accept this! It is painful, and we do not want it, but is the only thing that we can not escape from. I can not lie, and not say that I would death to come later and not right now, for all my family members. 

I was thinking today, that I have such a small family, can we not live longer? Or die together? What is the purpose of living together, and dying separately? But you might say that we were not all born at the same time, and you are right, but still, I am dreaming, this is a dream, unsure if a good one. 

So the valley of death, is it a valley that ends with death?

For most people who do not believe in Christ, most probably. So then what is there to do? How can I at least experience that, and make people understand that a life for Him, is basically a life that ends in Victory, for the resurrection and the after life. I pray she would open up her mind and her heart to welcome you Lord, so that we can accept the victory that You bring to the table, and the game changer that is brought once this happens. 

Also, i can not lie, but i am hoping for a physical victory as well. She is one of the most resilient person, so I am almost 100% that she will beat this and that she will come home, to see Milan and all the rest. 

Father, please give her the strength in all the organs, and specially to her heart, kidney's and to her mind, to be able to overcome this. Please Father help us walk through this valley together, close to You and be victorious. Lord. I trust You, and I know your are sovereign, so I put all of this into your Mighty hand, please have mercy. 

Father, I thank you for all your blessings and all your provision till day, please be with us from today till the end of time, and afterward. 

I end this post, not feeling sad, but feeling faithful. Having faith in your promises, and in the fact that things are in Your control, and that no matter happens, You are with us, and You will give us what we need to be able to walk this valley, or any other that might appear. Also, Father, I know and i echo the fact that You are a good Father! 

Amen! 

Another autumn...of gratefulness

 Whenever I get out of the city and run somewhere else with my friends, or even alone, I am at peace. I love it to be present there close to nature, even though I can not say I am a nature nature person. 

I am an observer, I like to watch things, and I like to quietly enjoy my time with me, nature and God. 

And the past weekend and some afternoons I have managed to do that, and it was amazing, I reconnected with what is important, and I had some happy eyes because they had things to see, amazing things, but at the same time simple things, that we should notice everyday and they should bring us joy. 

But like I always say, a picture is better than 1000 words...so let's enjoy. 

Tired ...low battery

 Sometimes it gets me. Like all people, I end up after some terrible difficult work days, I end up tired, and maybe sad and disappointed. So what is the source of all that disappointment? Is it real? Or it is it composed from all the little things that happened during the day: less water, less breaks, less fresh air...no wonder that at the end of day, is just me and my two screens for work, and then I say I live. 

What is life? What does it mean to be alive? Do I need to feel my soul or what? I have good days and bad days like any human being, and that's ok, but what do you do when you realize that the bad days start overcoming the good days? What is the plan then? 

Funny thing this crosses my mind. I keep saying that I am well, and that I am happy, and that all is well? But is it all ok ? Am I truly ok? or I am pretending so well, that I am now not able to see the truth. 

What do other people think? Or what do they see? Well this answer is pretty simple, they see exactly what you show them. If is the happy face you show them, they will say, yeah she is ok, but if you dare to show them the sad face, than is like many thoughts will be shared, thoughts not asked for, but just from the need of people to snap you with their ideas: that you need to rest, that you do not have enough friends, that you do not have enough money, and they can go on and on with what is wrong with you...so then I ask...why would we start sharing all of that with people? 

What is the point of being honest in a world where even your close friends, seem like they are brothers with the enemy, and where they want you to make a mistake so that they can rejoice...

Is exactly like this girl I know is saying...: whenever my grandmother trips and falls, I laugh! She does not help her, she does not panic, she does not feel the fear that her grandmother can be hurt, she just laughs at the burden of someone else. 

Sad story, but if we are to be honest, our first tendency is the same, to laugh at the person who struggles, to mock her/him, to ignore the real pain, because ...guess what....this might make us feel our pain. 

So...perhaps that is why I am here right now, perhaps I have been avoiding for so much time seeing the pain in others, and covering that pain in pink sparkle, and now, when I actually see it, and when sometimes I even feel it, when in the middle of a pandemic you can feel that you are surrounded by so many negative feelings....anger, hate, fear, sadness...how can you be? 

2020 and 2021 are years that we will all remember, at least those of us who will live to tell the story. They will be years, when even at our greatest moments, we are still not seeing the cruel reality. Outside our safe homes, and our safe hearts, people are dying, from a disease that no one can control. 

No wonder than, that today, just today I am having a bad day, a day when all that is going on in the world, and even in my close world is not so good. 

But there is hope...tomorrow is a new day, and something good will come along, for sure. In the smile of a child, in the walk of an aged person, in the birth of a baby, in the happiness of a dog, in the snuggle of a cat, in the smell of a flower, in the sunrise, in the sky, in the rain....and mostly in all the people that we are surrounded by. 

Have faith, tomorrow is not out of the Mighty Hand. 

Goodbye summer....for real

 It is rather painful when you experience the changing of the seasons, specially when your heart is involved. After a very quick and windy storm, I am  now very clear that the summer is not coming back. It was nice while it lasted, and while my heart was all in for the sunrise, the waves and the sunset. 

Like all seasons we need to be grateful for them happening, we need to be grateful for our experiences, and for the chance we had to see the nature changing her colors. 

In a way I am a bit sad cause I thought summer will last a bit longer, and autumn will taste sweeter, but it is not. 

It is time for someone else to enjoy the season of autumn, and I truly hope it will bring what the heart needs and desires. 

I will be fine, I will recover, cause this is not the first time season changes comes unexpectedly. 

I am thankful though, for things being clear, like a clear blue summer sky!