Sharing thoughts

As I am getting ready for a new week, I would like to conclude this weekend of relaxation. Is snowing all over Romania, and when i say snowing, is like real snow, Christmas snow.
Children for sure are happy as they can play in the snow, but the traffic is very bad, there are accidents and there is a red code in the south of the country.
I have some pain due to a cold, so today I ve been sitting at home, and I am tired even though i did not do anything:).
I am getting ready for a new week, a though one, full with new challenges and opportunities:)
Let s see how it will go.
Yesterday  I had a very good day, i was reading a lot, and having some time just for me,
I really enjoyed it.

Thats about it...

Another blessed week

Something is happening, my weeks start to be more and more nice, and I feel like God s presence is helping me live better, and in more harmony than before.
I felt like this week was preety smooth although there were some challenges.
But Thursday and today were very good days.
Thursday i went to the choir cause is usually choir day, and no matter how discouraged i get during the week and how many times i am saying that i am not going anymore, something is pushing me to do it, and to go, cause in one day all will be better;)
So i am kind of happy about this, and the night got better when we went to my way for KARAOKE, and i got to sing lots of songs with the DJ - i ve enjoyed myself a lot.
Today i had as well a free day spent at home with my mum, and then Youth meeting in church

I ve started to like these meetings, and the kind of questions they trigger to my mind, i like them a lot.
Not to mention the group, they are all special people that make feel like i belong, and looks like they care about me:)

all in all Lord it was a good day, and a good week, so THANK YOU!

Serving God or just an Idol

Interesting question received today, or challenge discussed - are we serving God or some idol?
And the discussions started in my mind and i am sure in other people minds as well. I believe in God, but still most of time, i am thanking Him for something He gave me, or I am asking for more things. In recent days, I find myself sometimes praying shortly for others, but that s kind of it.
Well today a very passionate pastor, which seems like I like how he preaches, said: Is God only a waiter? we just ask for Him, when we are in need, where we need something, is His role only to provide? is this sooo simple? I thought it was, but I was shocked by this discussion, and when he read his prayer, the one he had for his friend, I was more amazed if even possible, I just started to cry, small tears, and i felt my heart squizing in some sort of pain, or regret. Well in his prayer he mentioned that he would rather be sick, or in a wheelchair and know God than walking without Him, and that if by any chance there are limited numbers in Heaven, he would give his place to this person, cause he would be happy just to have 1 minute in God s presence ....
He mentioned even that if he would go bellow, and not in Heaven, he would still be strong in his faith, cause no one can take your faith and what you believe inside.
It was a true inspiration, and i felt really bad, cause I have my family, my friends and strangers who are not believers in God, and I never thought about switching places - i was just selfish.

Today 's preaching was of the above, but also about being desperate, and be caught in a place from which you do not want to go out and you expect someone ( Jesus ) to pick you up.
I was not self aware about this till today, but I am doing that. I believe when I look at my life that it was no good, that i could not do music, that i am not perfect, that i want to loose weight, and i want to be healthy and beautiful....but i m not doing much about it- i am just complaining like the man from John chapter 5, i am not doing much to change any of the above. I am not doing much to change my job, to buy a house, to do something that means something for me.

Well I am weak, desperate, and I need to be more alive, i can not live in the past anymore. I do leave in the past, i can not leave my luggage down.... i am caught in the eyes of the black dog - almost depression.

I know that if people who know me would read that, would say it is not true;who? This girl who is always happy and joyfull and optimist? It s all a mask to serve people and to make people feel good, i am a different person once you start looking inside. I want to accept this person, i want to accept that i am not always happy, i do not want to entertain the people, sometimes I want to be entertained.

There are not many people who know me well - who had a look into my soul - I never dare to ask those who did see my soul , how is it?

I need to work on my self awarness more, but I want to remember this day, cause this day was one that made me think about some things i never think off.

Thank you Lord for speaking directly to me, thank you for your mercy, and please forgive me if sometimes i am treating you like a waiter.
Amen

Career discussion

Today was an interesting day not only because it was a day started with God, and it was a good and peacefull day, but as well it was one of the discussions that i had with my own boss.
And basically the discussion was very interesting, with some ups and downs, some of the questions and comments i kind of found them unappropriate, but all in all, it was a good discussion.
Basically the concerns are if I leave how all the people will look, and not necessary what happened. Even if i explained what happened, it seems like it is something wrong because i am sharing it, and is such a stupid reason.
Well for me is not stupid at all, and is like no one understands me from this corporate world.
So there are two things to this: first one is to SHUT UP - i do not need to be open, and honest about work related stuff with everyone in office, specially my boss. I ve seen this so many times that is not something that helps me, I am not even sure why i keep doing it.
So basically the question that i was asked is what is the next level that I want: a project, and assignment, another role, the same role?
And i ve realized i am again not sure on what i should do next
I guess i should ask God and seek for answer...

Post will be continued...

First time...

Last night was my first night sleeping again in my new place - first time for the New Year,
Well basically it was not a relaxing night as we started talking and talking about so many things, it was like two old friends are meeting after such a long time , and is like they never got enough time to talk about everything, well this was the feeling and we ended up going to bed at 05:00 am.

And at 05 o clock i found the power to have a shower and i woke up at 08, and i ve managed to read the Proverbs 16 from the Bible.
It was a first morning from a very long time, when I ve actually enjoyed the silence and the moment with God, and with my Bible.
And Proverbs 16 were a great help for me to understand where i was and what i wanted to do next.

It was a great start and a happy day :)
Thank you Lord for allowing me to start a day with you and in your presence.

New and new

I ve realized today or I am still trying to convince myself that is not normal. The difference is to big, and in the end the message is not the same.
The dog likes the other food better, what can you do?
Should you buy a different food, or shoould you just move away , and let others be the food the dog likes?
This is something that I have not learnt yet.
And i am not sure when i ll learn this.
I want the dog to like the food i provide, but all the dogs i had they liked other food:( kind of makes me sad
And tonight was the night in which i felt angry and upset because the dog did not like my food, and he kept starring at the other food.
It might be my impression, but i felt it inside as well.
I am not sure why ALWAYS i end up giving the food that no dog wants.....

and i know i should wait cause at the right time a certain dog will be able and happy to have my food, but just sitting and waiting is not helpful.
Also because time is passing and I am still waiting for the dog that will eat the food i am selling.

I just want to be happy, and feel like my food matters for some dogs....but not puppies, cause now i am looking at puppies. 

And i am out :)

Looking inside

Today was the last day of " guided " introspection.
And I looked again inside me, to find what I am surprised off: that I am still craving for something.
I am craving for time, for me, and for help from others.
I am still to proud, I am still not able to ask for help, I am not convinced why but i see this as a weakness.
I want more time for me, for music, for God, for family etc.

I need to think more and more about this
Thank you !

Coincidence ?

Two people going through the exact same thing. Two people having the same doubts about themselves. Two people with their hearts almost broken. Two people thinking about a third one, with regret and with a certain desire of eliminating her/him.
What should you do if two people talk and have fun together but there is a third person, who is actually the one hunting for attention, or maybe more?
You fight back? You eliminate your thoughts? You give up? You compete? Or what ?
Well so far I ve been doing only good things, I ve backed off several occasions.
Is this still the time to back off? Or should I step in and see what happens?

Interesting thought for the night:)

Good night!

Shy Sunday

Well as my previous post was kind of Gray and so was my mood yesterday, today I was preety shy, and reserved when communicating. I believe that some people were caught by suprise by that new attitude of mine.
But in the end we met again and we travel for a short time together.
The idea is that i can not allow myself to be enthusiastic and to overthink the things. I need to acknowledge the fact that all people are deep inside selfish and they are using me for various purposes: some for things and financials, but most of them for having fun and felling well.
I am tired of this, cause when I need someone there is no one there. So why I should continue and invest in others when others do not want to invest in me?
Why the story of my life is the same?
Why when I finally find a plant that i really like, and i believe i can take care of it, and make it grow, and keep it in my house, with everything else, some other colleague/friend, wants the same plant ( even if we talk about cactus, or roses or anything else).
This is exactly what happened again. I feel like my plant, the plant I found, and I wanted to adopt, became the coolest plant that everyone wants....
It makes me feel sad and angry , which is a behaviour that i can not manifest that often, or i should not, hence I am being shy, and ignoring the things around me.
I know is not perfect, but is the best thing I can think about.
I am kind of hurt, and sad because of this, but what can I do? You ca not change your past, you can only pray for a better future. And I want to believe that walking with God, should be enough, and it should feed all the empty corners in my heart, where I would like to have some plants, animals or people to fill it up.

A lovely picture who clearly expresses how I feel : i am like a lion, always strong, but today....i am like that:

Grey Corner

I ve used a specific color in the post title which is Grey , why? Because I do not want to say Black , cause I am not there yet, but I am getting closer as closer, as I am loosing the feeling I have from the past weeks.
Today an interesting thing happened again, I had a phone conversation and I ve realized that the movie of my life is being placed again.
All the things in wich I rejoice, are being taken, or used by other people as well.
I am afraid that the thing I found that gives me joy in God, will be soon taken from me. I remember the same happened 2 years ago on my birthday, when I was very dissapointed.
Today...i am just angry at me, for allowing myself once again to find joy in things that maybe are not for me, and in people that are meant for someone else, and not for me.

Well what can I do, I am a good friend, and i have a good friend in God, who will take care of all needs.
It s already 2 o clock in the morning, so i should go to bed

I am out:)

New Year's Eve -in pictures

As i ve mentioned in my previous posts - New year's Eve was very special this year, and this is why I want to keep some pictures as a memory of those special times:

Hello 2014

What 2014 will bring?
What was the fruit of 2013?
Questions for a time of introspection, a time to look inside, and think about the past, present and future.
I ve realized that because I do not live the present and i do not dare to see a great future for me, i often live in the past. I feed myself from the past, from different pictures, states of mind, emotions, and feelings. And that is working. But this year....I would like to do things differently. I would like to give me time, to loose the expectation.
The trauma from my past, is still hunting me, I do not believe a deserve to be happy, and when I am, I am just afraid that the feeling my go away, and something bad will happen. 13 years went by, and still that sadness is still inside, still when i look back i am afraid and tears come into my eyes. Why?
Why I just can not put the fact aside and carry on with my life to be happy?
How, how I should explain this to others, to my Boss for example who is keen to know why sometimes i am down....well guess what...it was not easy.
Anyway ...this year is not about resolutions, is not about what I will achieve by 2014 in material things, 2014 is all about INTROSPECTION and discovering myself, building myself, having the chance to dream a little, enjoying things for me and not for others, building and growing in the relationship with God, searching more, and finding that happiness within.
2013 was a year in which the word that followed me was "  cercetare =introspection"
2014 will be the year in which the word that i would like to follow is the same " cercetare = searching for God"
Interesting analogy.
So what can I say - HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Memories from Oltenia

Oltenia is a part of Romania in the South, where they say that people are a little poorer than in the rest of the regions.
So basically we went from Cluj Napoca in the heart of Transylvania to Draganesti Olt, and then to the nearer villages such as Corabia, Stoienesti, Comani etc.
Some pictures to remember the moments and the feelings from this trip:

Meditation

Several interesting things happened this New Year, in the presence of God.
I am still processing some of them. The most important is that i am now feeling well with some of the people from church, and I have that curiosity to learn more and more about Him.
The games and time we spent together was amazing, and most important I felt that God was there it us. I was used to go to New Year parties, or generally Team buildings where people need to drink in order to have fun, well...here all of this was not needed; people were naturally and genuinely interested in each other, and that made the athmosphere and time really special.
Something else happened which was unexpected. On the New Years Eve, we had a very deep moment of meditation and introspection in regards of 2013 as a year, and some of us wanted to share their experiences there.
I was impressed by the things people appreciate in their life, and I was more surprised to see that someone appreciated me. I know that I am appreciated by people, because i am helpful and funny, and i make people feel good, but this time this appreciation was different, because i believe it was an honest one.
The context of the appreciation was very interesting, correlated with a wicked heart, and how we as human find more pleasure in someone else as human, or in things but not necessary and not always in God.
Anyway it was an interesting and open perspective, which caught me by surprise, and there are very few people who can do this for me.
And then we continued to have fun, and to feel God's presence.
Second interesting fact happened the next day, when again there was an interesting discussion, and around 2 hours of One on One callibration.,
It was such a blessed time, just talking and thinking. Strangely there were moments of silence and they were not awkward at all. I did not feel the need to talk , to cover the silence, i felt the need to just enjoy it, and continue with my thoughts. I am amazed how this can happen with someone that I ve just met. Is something that happens rarely with people I know, but never with new people....until now.
I believe is God hand in this, taking me closer to Him, making me more curious about his nature, about his love, and about his plans.
And like the day was not blessed enough we had a circle of testimonials, where I ve finally came out of the seashell, and I ve told them my life. And i really hope that they were not scared, or disappointed or anything else.
Of course there was one part which was left unsaid, but I do hope I ll get the chance to share it with some of them. I was just afraid that if I go through with everything, they might be shocked.
What can I say?
I felt the connection with God, and with the people there, I am very happy that this New Year happened, and I am very thankful that God is putting new people on my path, people who I really need.
I wish I could stop the time now, and keep this feeling within me.
And God, if this is your plan, than make it happen.

Thank you!