Heart broken

 I always thought that you can only be heart broken, because of love matters. But actually that is not true. You can be heart broken also for feeling like an injustice was made, and you are part of it. And I think this is how I feel right now. 

I am not sure what is happening to me, but I feel all my emotions, finally my money are paying off. 

I am very disappointed and sad about what happened in this ministry and all this story, and somehow I am feeling like I have imagined everything, but I did not. 

I am usually able to see things very objectively, and I think this is the case as well. Is not about the output is about the way to reach that output. Is filled with confusion, lack of roles and responsibilities, and simply confusing chaos. 

Am I too formal for all of this? Did I ask for too much? Or is it that they just like it like this. They enjoy how things are moving, and they do not need anything else. 

I felt left aside, many times in my life, and that is ok, but I never experienced something like this. Do I loose my skill to be able to understand my role? Did I have some kind of a wrong expectation? 

I did not ask for things to change, and for sure I do not want to lead the work, I just requested some structure, and a bit of visibility. 

But ...the context...so what is the issue with the context? So is a pandemic, and everyone is at home, or should be at home, but is my decision, I get to decide what I want to do. I think I should be on a bench if I am not suitable, or if physical presence is mandatory. 

I am sorry if I have offended many people tonight, and if I was too direct, but I felt like it was a play and everyone was just playing their part. The problem is that for me it was no part, it was the real deal. 

For me, it was getting out there, in front of 5 people, and say something that they did not like, approve or for sure they just could not believe it was happening. Perhaps no one else, had this courage ever, to do something like that. But I felt like I was forced into it. I was forced to speak up, and invited. 

What I did not predict, was that everyone considered the fact that it was not true, and that is a non issue. I felt like back in school, when I was rejected by everyone. I was in the arena, and I needed to speak up for myself, and I did. 

The problem is that now I feel that I am crazy, am I? was this all in my mind? Did I imagine everything ? 

If yes, then why do I feel like this? Life is no fair, and I need to speak up, I did not offend anyone, I hope, I apologized for being too direct perhaps, and for demotivating some, but...honestly ....I was not included. 

Even if they try to talk about , if they are rewinding these 4 months, I was not a part of the decisions, or the ideas. So they can not say otherwise. 

Is not like I want to be part, if they would have told me I am not part, I would have been ok, but ....they just did not...they acted like I am not part, without actually telling me that is ok . 

I am heart broken, and I need sometime to recover from this. 

It is painful, and I am very insecure now. 

Ministry time

 It is very hard to be part of any ministry in church or outside the church. I feel like the tears are coming into my eyes because I do not understand what is my part in this? I am not clear why am I part of this ministry if I feel that none of my gifts are being used. I am just a simple secretary, and I am not bringing anything to the table. 

Is not that I do not want, but it is simply because I do not have room at the table. The table is filled already, by the time that we come together, things are already agreed. So then I question, what is the point of the meeting, and more specifically, what am I to do in this group?

I feel like I do not belong here :( , and that makes me sad. It seems that the leadership is clear, perhaps I can step out, and do something different. Perhaps go back to the youth group, or do something else. 
As far as I know from leadership, this is not the way a vision is set. 

A vision is built together with the team, or at least the team is consulted, which is not the case. 

I do not resonate with with the style of the discussion, with the way of communication , or with the surprise of the things. I think that they do not like me, and perhaps I also do not like them. 

It is amazing to see that I finally found a place, that I do not fit in. 

Please Father...guide me . 

Perfect sister

 A post just for her. 

She means the world to me, and I think she does not know it, because I do not tell her too often, or maybe never. But she is the most important human being in my life, along with my mother. She is my precious sister, and although is not full blood that keeps us together, she is still the best sister anyone could dream off. 

I want to dedicate this post for her, so that when she or anyone else reads it, would know about the fact that sisters, are not in the same family just by luck, they are meant to be together, that is how God provides. 

She is 7 years older than me, but I think she is at least 100 years wiser than me. I remember when we were just kids how much she loved me, she was always around, at home, in school, outside everywhere. I remember her beauty, 2 long tails with beautiful ribbons, and a wonderful dress that she was wearing at school every day. 

I remember sitting at the window of my room, waiting for her to appear at the corner of the street, the corner that had a lamp, or sometimes I would see her further away, just a glimpse and it made me so happy that she was coming home. 

At this stage I do not recall our fights we had as kids, I just remember her picking me up from class, every time I did something stupid, and despite the fact that she was losing her hours, she use to take me home to grandma without any comments or regrets. 

She was always there for me. I remember the first stuffed bear she ever gave me. She just took him from the closet, and she gave it to me. It was the most beautiful thing that I received even now. It was a small bear, beautiful, and I cherished it very much...till I did not have him anymore. But it is still in my heart, that bear and the love that he had inside. 

My sister is the strongest person I have ever known. I am not sure why God allowed so many things to happen to her, but it is amazing how determined and strong she is. Nothing beats her down. 

I am nothing compared to her, and I admire her love for the life that she has. She is perfect in my eyes. Full of weakness, like all humans, but with a huge heart and with a great determination and energy to fight for her live and for us, the dear ones she has. 

We have many memories together, memories from times when life was very easy, and we had bears, and toys, and puppies to keep us both happy, but also form times of fear, cold and loneliness. 

Times when both of us did not see the way, or the direction we should take, but somehow together we were able to find it, of course guided by the Holy one. 

I remember the days and the nights, when we were both wondering what will happen to us. Those nights, those cold nights are the one that impacted us so hard, physically, and mentally. We are grateful for sure, for coming out of the struggles, but there is always a price to pay, and the price she is paying is bigger than mine, and that makes me feel so bad. I should have been able to make it better for her, but I am not able. There are things that I cannot control, especially when it comes to her, and that is so very hard for me to process. 

Nevertheless, life has been good to us, and I am so grateful to be with her, and to have her in my life. I admire her deeply, and I miss her more than ever now when I am alone, and I have so much time to think about many things. 

She is a wonderful person, and I take pride that people say that we are much alike. I think there are many things we have in common, and I wish she would know that I take pride in those. 

I am sometimes tough with her, but this is because I feel like I want to do things to fix everything that is bad in our lives, and I cannot do it, and I guess I do not want to accept, that my perfect sister, is now less perfect. But that is not the end of the story, when I look at me, and at everyone else, I see that no one was ever perfect, and that is the story while we are here on Earth. 

But there is a place, where things will be different, where all who accepted Him will be perfect, and will be living together, there will be no more pain, and suffering and no more tears. I am looking for that place, and my deepest desire is for my sister and for my mum to be there as well. 

I am so grateful that life gave me a sister, someone to share things with, someone who can guide me when I do not know what to do, someone who accepts me with all my nerves, moods, and mistakes. I am grateful that someone is waiting for me, and thinking about me, if I am fine, or if I am hurting. 

In that and more than that, for the connection we have in our minds, I am grateful for the best sister I could ever had. And I am looking forward to going back home and explore further the future together. 

Life has not been easy, but sisters are always together, is just how it is. 

Surprise of the Year 2020

 This is a story about someone that I had the chance to meet occasionally through 2020. Is unclear why and how these gatherings happened, but they were in line with what I was feeling when I accepted those invitations. I was attracted naturally to this person, I was keen to meet with every occasion that appeared. 

Today I will try to paint a picture of this man, a man that still makes me curious about knowing him a bit better. When I had the occasion to meet this man for the first time, I was not very much impressed about his appearance, this is not because his appearance is not to be impressed, but rather because I had eyes for something else, and not for looks. 

But I remember like yesterday what impressed me about this person. It was the amount of knowledge that he had about a number of things, but mostly business, and things that I am passionately about. I felt very intimated when I have heard the discussion he was having with someone else, so I have immediately left the room, and stop thinking about him. I felt like I could never be able to have a decent conversation with someone like him. 

Throughout time the contexts made us meet more often, and I realized that he is still intimidating me for some reason. 

Is like a dance what we do. Sometimes he comes forward I move back, and then when I move forward he pushes back. Not sure if this is the right dance to be dancing, but this is just the current reality. 

He is fascinating, as he is very different than other people I met. He has edges like a knife, and you never know when you will be cut, and for what purpose. I am intrigued by that. He always seems curious about different things, from different people, and the reason for his curiosity is not to be found. Although his age would imply a more mature approach to things, he sometimes acts like a young boy, which I find very attractive and not at all common. 

The things he wants to know about the different people he meets, make me wonder if deep down inside he is not a people person, he has the same deep desires I have, to know the people well and to enjoy their company at the maximum level. 

He is in love with nature in all sense and form, he likes to travel, and be outdoors, sometimes I think he would prefer to live outside rather than inside. This passion is so visible in everything he does. I deeply admire his strength to show his passion like this. 

He is not very talkative, but when he talks he captures all the attention in the room, of course specially mine. He has knowledge about many subjects, and although he seems to impress people by the number of disputes that he creates around him, I am very curious to know more about him. 

He is an artist as well, sometimes I just see him loosing himself when playing the guitar. He is so passionate when he sings, and he puts heart in what he is doing. I am always excited to see him play, and I could just sit and hear him for  a longer while. 

I do not know much about him, but he is a puzzle that is waiting to be solved, and not just by me, but also by other people. He intrigues me, and I can not do much more to sort out my curiosity. I need to wait and be available, and catch every opportunity to get to know him a little bit more. 

As time goes by, I realize that the things that need to happen will happen with or without our involvement. So I think is the same in this case. Whenever I try to get to know the depths of a person, I can not do it, unless context is there. For now I close by respecting this person, and by showing genuine admiration and interest for such an intelligent and artistic being. 

I can relate to that, because I feel like I am the same. I am not understood by many, and as I am aging, I realize that I am not liked by many. But, despite that I need to continue to follow my heart, and to be myself in any given circumstance. The wounds that I am carrying are no strange thing, everyone has them, including the artist I am talking about. The fact that we did not reach that moment to share them, does not mean the moment is not yet to come. 

And I will be waiting patiently, and with the same curiosity. 

\

Happy New Year 2021!!!!

 Feels like is unrealistic to actually have reached 2021. Just by looking at the number it seems so strange, I never thought I would be here, but now I have actually tried to do some math and see where would I reach. 

It is exciting to think about the future, and so it was thinking about this New Year, and specially the year that just happened, a historical one, that no one will ever forget, the so called pandemic year. 

For this year end, I've tried something different, getting out of my comfort zone, and just trying to explore something new in terms of building new relationships, and putting myself out there. 

It was not a very easy thing to do, but in the end I did it. 

I was a bit nervous when going there, and I was skeptical about what will happen when I get there. Although shy at the beginning, I would say that I have managed to enter in the group, part of it at least very quickly. 

We had a good time, but also we were very open to share stuff about each other, and letting the guard down a little bit. 

What was 2020 for me? It was a great year, an year of SELAH, an year when I could stop without feeling so much guilt or pressure from everyone. It was an year where family came first, and I was able to do that. It was an year where music was in my life more than in any year before that. It was an year when God was present in my life, and where prayer had a decent sit of the table. More than that it was an year where God protected us against so many things including the virus. It was a year of gratefulness. 

As I am looking at 2021, like everyone else there are some things that my heart desires. But I want these things to be the same things that God desires/has in plan for me, and I just want to step into His plans. This is my biggest plan for 2021, to hear God and to be guided by the Holy Spirit in my decisions. 

I pray that God will answer to the desires of my heart only if they are in tune with the desires of His heart, to make me a better servant. 

Everything coming from His hands is a gift, and I am committed to accept it. 

As always, pictures speak more than words: