Another late night post

 One week, since we last talked, and we talked about decisions, decisions that impacted your life. 

On one side, I am very sorry that in our last conversation till date, we only talked about this subject, and I am sorry because I was perhaps too pushy. 

But I did that only because I knew how important it is for us as a family!

Here we are, one week later, and the situation is a complicated one. I hope that things will get better, I pray for that, and I have faith that this can happen, and will happen. 

Hang on, and continue to fight, for life, and for a reunion. 

We are thinking about you, every minute almost, and we wait for good news. 

This does not end now. 

We have HOPE! 

A bit overwhelmed

 Hey ya, 

Actually, I am a bit overwhelmed, today more than 100 people thought about you, and prayed for you and for your life. You need to understand this is not small, and these not all the people that care about you, but there are more, these are just the ones that I have managed to contact on such a short notice. 

The point is that everyone misses you, and everyone wants you back! We pray life over your body, mind and over your soul! Please hear us, and please understand everyone wants you to be alive and to be part of whatever things are happening here. 

You are such a strong person, and I am sure that we are able to be connected and you know my thoughts in part...and you know that this can not simply end like this. 

I need you to push through this, and come back here at home, for us to be together, and celebrate life, and this victory that you are achieving as we speak. Please listen to me, and please fight this, and come back to us. 

The ladies from work are chasing me for updates, more regularly than a Swiss clock, they care so much about you and they love you so so much. I never realized how much they care, and what special bound you have with them. Even now, like through all my life, you are teaching me a valuable lesson, for which I am reading books, but actually you are the living walking book. 

Please hear me out, and please push through whatever this is going on. Your time has not yet come, we finally are together all of us, in a lovely place, in peace, connected, with limited worries....and now this happens.

I love you, please feel this love your way, and please come home!

 

Small wins...but actual miracles...thank you!

 Lord You hear us, when we cry, You hear us when we praise You, and You hear us when we complain. 

Thank you Father for hearing our prayers today for this surgery! We were really worried, and we are seeing You at work. Father You give and You take the life, and we need to obey and accept your will. 

And that is what we are doing now! 

Father I declare we will accept your will, even if it will hurt us deeply to see the ending of such a lovely human being, but Lord we ask You to have mercy, and to help her, and to keep her alive! Father she can be transformed both in her body and in her mind! I can be transformed, and my mum!

And Father, many will turn to You, because of her, and the work You are doing in her life!

Again, it is Your will and You are Sovereign, but Father we know You loved us so much You gave Your son for our lives. Please Lord let her recover and get better!

Father please speak to her, help her fight this, and push for life, to come back to us Lord! We need her and she is so precious to us. 

Forgive us Father that we did not see that... when it was the right time to be seen, and please give us a second chance to show this care to her, more often. 

In Jesus's name!

Amen

Prayer ...Oh God please hear us

    Dear Father, I know you hear us, and I know You are watching over us. Thank you for allowing us to take the right decisions for life, that is what we desire. 

Father, as this surgery is approaching, please fill that room with your presence! Father, please give her life, please keep the organs working, and Father please be with her while this is ongoing. 

Lord, I am not sure where is her mind in all of this, but please help her meet You. Father speak to her, and help her choose You as Lord and Savior. 

Father please save her soul, and let her call your Name!  

Father, I know you listen to your children praying, so please listen to this prayer, and save my sister. 

Save her soul first and then please save her body too. 

Father, I know You are in control, and You are present there with all the doctors, and nurses, please Lord have mercy and touch her soul and her heart. And Father, if is Your will, please heal her.

I am not bargaining in any way, cause I know You are real, and I know You are all powerful! 

But Lord I am so tempted, to offer something in exchange of her life. 

Please Lord, have mercy...and restore her, and us. 

In Jesus's name I pray!

Amen. 

Imagine...your funeral

    If people would ask me right now to imagine my funeral, I could easily describe it. Family, church friends...other friends, and a time to remember the amazing work God has done in my life. 

I would hope for people to come rejoicing in a way, and with memories of great and good things we did together. If possible I would like to have some fluffy stuffed animals in my journey towards the other world, Heaven. 

Yes, I believe my funeral would be a road to Heaven. 

What if I am requested to plan or to think about someone else's funeral? what then? 

And specially if this is a person that is close to my heart, and very very dear to me. What than? 

How did we ever reach into this stage, when I need to decide for you, and to plan such things? 

Why am I doing this before the actual reality kicks in? Do I deny miracles? 

Father...I believe in miracles, at least rationally. Such a confusing sentence. But I do believe, I have heard and I have friends who experienced miracles, sudden healing of themselves, or the people they loved. So it is possible, for us to experience this! I am praying for a miracle, but then...I stop, and I m only thinking about death, and about the fact that this is the end of the chapter, and I can not help it. 

I wish this post, at least the part with the funeral would not come true this time, I want to choose the miracle, I want to imagine the miracle that You can do, to skip the funeral, and to see the LIFE.  

I choose MIRACLE!

Forgiveness thoughts ....while you are sleeping

   The news we are getting from you, are troubling us, to so many levels. I wish I could take your place, and share the suffering with you. 

I can not imagine all the pain and the suffering that you are going through, right now, or that you went through before my dear. 

I pray that right now, you are sleeping a good sleep, and you can rest while the organs are recovering to be able to sustain life better tomorrow. 

I pray that you do not feel any pain in your body, and that you push your organs to react tomorrow as expected.

I am closer to mum, I am trying to prepare her in a way for what I am afraid will come. Sometimes I think you will not make it, I sense that you are not fighting anymore for life, that you are tired, and you want to escape from this suffering. 

I look back and I happy I embraced you before I left home on Thursday, but I am sad because I did not handle myself well when I drove you to the hospital. Excuses now are too late, and there is no point for them. 

I want to ask for forgiveness for all the moments in which I showed you that I did not love you. It is so not true. I love you so very much, you are my perfect sister, and i really appreciate you and your care. 

Please forgive me for not spending enough time with you, I should have chosen better. I am guilty for focusing on my life, and on my friends, and not taking care of my family, please forgive me for this as well. 

I am so sorry for my bad language and for all our fights, specially in the last months....I just did not get you very well, and i know this is not an excuse. 

Dear God, I ask You humbly to forgive my sins, and all the above things that I remember right now, plus the many other that I do not remember. Father forgive me, and help me through Jesus to not repeat the same errors. 

Please Father touch her heart now, while she is sleeping and comfort her, with our love, and with our desire to have her back in the house. 

Father you are the greatest doctor in the world, and in the universe, please have mercy, and please give her power to fight. Or Father if it is best for her to go to You, then please meet her in her suffering and please help her accept You as Lord and Savior. 

Father, please help us, mum and I to be able to cope with whatever this night will bring, and let us take one day of the time. I know you have tomorrow in Your hand, so we will not worry right now. 

Please Father help us find You, and connect with You more in this trial! 

Another post ...while we keep waiting

    I miss you every moment, seems like this big house is empty without you. Time is passing so slow, and we do not know what to do, and how to fill the hours in your absence. We clean and we clean the house, like this could ever change the way we feel, or if it would replace you. 

We try to keep our minds occupied, until we hear some good news about you.

The reality is that we are not desiring any bad news in your regard, only good news. 

Everyone is keen to know how are you, everyone is praying and sending you good thoughts and they are all waiting for you to get better and come back home. 

I am sorry for this suffering, I am sorry that you had to go through this, and so abruptly. 

I am not clear why God would allow this to happen to you, and all the rest...I think I will only find out when I will be on the other side. And I hope I will be there with you, and not just alone, or with mum (if a miracle happens). 

I am praying that God would meet you in this trial, and that you would feel comforted by Him, and secured in His hand. 

If I am thinking, I know you must be in terrible pain, and I pray for the doctor and nurses and for all the people around you to treat you properly and to help you manage this pain. I know your mind must be terrible stressed, and your anxiety is overwhelming. 

I pray for that to decrease, not sure if is humanly possible, in such a situation, but I am asking God to help with this, and to do something so that you feel the love we have for you, the care that everyone has for you, and the fact that we all want you to get better and come home. 

Perhaps you are thinking about death, and if you are there. I pray this would not frighten you, but rather get you thinking about God and about us. I pray for courage in this trial, I pray for power to fight and to come back better and alive against all odds. 

I know how strong and resilient you are! so i am asking you and God to help you fight this! and I am asking God to delay this illnesses that you have that can be lethal in your case. 

I want to celebrate life together with you! I am sorry for all the times when I did not celebrate life. I am sorry for the times when I put others on the first place instead of you, I am sorry for not being the sister you wanted. But I can change, I can be better, and I can love you more with acts of love, rather than just with words.

I love you, and I always had. You are my hero, you are my big sister, the one that endured so many things in this life, and now, she can overcome this. You are strong and stubborn, use both and God's help to overcome this, please. 

We miss you, and we want you back! Our lives are just empty in your absence, and it seems like a big purpose of life is gone...for the moment, till you come back. 

Remember, that you are in our thoughts, prayers and wishes to come back and be with us for many years ahead! 

 

Thanksgiving post

 Celebrating Thanks giving without you at home, is not a real thanks giving, so it was not properly celebrated, however, I am thankful today, I am thankful for life, and I am thankful for love and for hope. 

Not to dismiss all the other benefits and gifts that I have, such as material blessings, and friends, and pets and all of that, but in this moment, with the current situation, and with you being away, I am just thankful for these ones.

I am thankful for life, the life that runs through you now, and through us as well. And I pray that life continues to run in our bodies. I pray that our organs would fight the battle to be alive and to be able to sustain life as long as possible. I pray that our blood would circulate clean and clear, and that no blocker should arise. I also pray for all the other organs to support our bodies, and I pray that we could be fully functional at least for another 20 years, so that we could age together, and enjoy our time together.

I am thankful for love, cause it exists. And because we saw it on the Cross. And because of that love, we can love as well, and not a mere physical love, but something deeper, that love where a life is shared for th sake of another. An endless love that crosses the space and time. And that is the type of love a sister has for another sister, and for other family members. No matter what, family love each other, always.

I am thankful for hope, cause hope is what keeps us alive mentally. Hope is the invisible engine that keeps the car moving. Hope is the fuel that takes us to the next stop. And I hope that you agree with this statement, and I hope that you are hoping for life and for a return home to be with us. You are soo loved by us, and that is what I would like to celebrate today.

Happy Thanksgiving my dear R! 

Unbreakable bound

 Two like us who share such a strong bond. We always found a way to connect, and I am sure we are finding it now. I miss you already, and there is nothing I can do.

I wish I could bring you home, I wish I could just do something, as I am an action oriented woman rather than anything else. 

I hope this bond that unites us, is able to give you strength, power and mostly love. I pray that you feel my love close to your heart. And I pray you would feel me and know that i am thinking about you almost every moment. 

Forgive me for all the things that I did wrongly, forgive me for the bad words I used, for the lack of patience to hear you out, for not spending the time I wanted to spend with you, for not being there for you when you needed. 

I love you, so so much, and you are one of the most important people in my life. Please find the power within you to fight this, and to come back so that we could do, all the things we planned to do, and all those i want us to do. 

I know we are connected, and I am sure you can feel, and hear the echo of these words, even though we are separated! Lord, we need a miracle to happen, please have mercy. 

New pet in the house - Grace

   When I started this journey of naming pets and of getting new pets, I did not think of the times when the pet could come into our home, and how we will be when that would happen. 

And here we are, with a small baby kitten, that came into our home directly from Lepsa county, back in October. And she was so lucky to be found, that we named her Lucky, and because we believed she was grateful, we called her Grace, so full name Lucky Grace. 

She loved this cat, really enjoyed her company and fulling around with her, I think it was really a joy for her to experience a baby kitty in the house.

I did not think that when i wrote 6 words ..they will have such an impact: this autumn is all about gratefulness. 

How can i express and practice gratefulness when I feel like my world is falling apart? 

A subject for another post, let s see Grace, a saved cat! 

A prayer for life..

Unclear where to start from in this post, note or prayer. 

We have reached an end state almost, even though I am reluctant to accept it. Seems like the train reached the finish line, and I am completely in denial. 

I want to be able to celebrate life once again, I am desperate to see this happening once again. I am asking to have a chance at this life once again, i am praying for life to continue. 

I know there is a circle of life, and somewhere the math is done by someone, but would it be to presumptuous of me  to pray and to hope for life?

If there is 1% chance of life, I want it for her, for the precious one, for the resilient one. 

I know everyone is already praying for her life, but I want to join this prayer, and I want to spend a lot of time in this, and I want to have faith that God can do this for us, and prolong life. 

Whenever I close my eyes, I can feel it, the desperation that creeps  in just because I have a strong feeling that life will be soon lost. But I can not accept it so easy, she is an overcomer, so I am confident that with the help of God, she will be well! 

Father, You know my heart, and You know my desires, please Father help us, please Father poor your love into her life, and please extend it, as long as you want to. I trust You with my life, and I trust you with hers.

In Jesus's name I pray for life on her! Please hear me out!

The valley...a journey with victory in the end

 Spoiler this is not a happy post, so if anyone is not in the mood, they should avoid this one instance in which I am not able to focus on the bright side. 

So we are here, after a week of pain and challenges, with a leg in the hospital and one out. I am feeling numb, although it seems like my lacrimal system is working slightly better than in the past years. 

Actually this is a positive in all of this. I am frustrated cause I feel stuck, and there is not much that I can do. I can not even convince her around the decision that she might take. 

Why I do not trust her? Perhaps she is right, and this is not needed, but how do I know? Surprisingly in this situation, my anxiety is pretty quiet, unclear how come. The object is there in front of me, and somehow I feel at peace. Is this the peace that comes from above? Perhaps, as I have never experienced it. 

At times I just realize that I am thinking about death, and that one of my biggest fears is here, if something happens to her. And then the second minute, i am again calm, and relaxed, like dying is the most normal thing ever. 

Death is a known destination, for me and for all of us. I need to accept this! It is painful, and we do not want it, but is the only thing that we can not escape from. I can not lie, and not say that I would death to come later and not right now, for all my family members. 

I was thinking today, that I have such a small family, can we not live longer? Or die together? What is the purpose of living together, and dying separately? But you might say that we were not all born at the same time, and you are right, but still, I am dreaming, this is a dream, unsure if a good one. 

So the valley of death, is it a valley that ends with death?

For most people who do not believe in Christ, most probably. So then what is there to do? How can I at least experience that, and make people understand that a life for Him, is basically a life that ends in Victory, for the resurrection and the after life. I pray she would open up her mind and her heart to welcome you Lord, so that we can accept the victory that You bring to the table, and the game changer that is brought once this happens. 

Also, i can not lie, but i am hoping for a physical victory as well. She is one of the most resilient person, so I am almost 100% that she will beat this and that she will come home, to see Milan and all the rest. 

Father, please give her the strength in all the organs, and specially to her heart, kidney's and to her mind, to be able to overcome this. Please Father help us walk through this valley together, close to You and be victorious. Lord. I trust You, and I know your are sovereign, so I put all of this into your Mighty hand, please have mercy. 

Father, I thank you for all your blessings and all your provision till day, please be with us from today till the end of time, and afterward. 

I end this post, not feeling sad, but feeling faithful. Having faith in your promises, and in the fact that things are in Your control, and that no matter happens, You are with us, and You will give us what we need to be able to walk this valley, or any other that might appear. Also, Father, I know and i echo the fact that You are a good Father! 

Amen! 

Another autumn...of gratefulness

 Whenever I get out of the city and run somewhere else with my friends, or even alone, I am at peace. I love it to be present there close to nature, even though I can not say I am a nature nature person. 

I am an observer, I like to watch things, and I like to quietly enjoy my time with me, nature and God. 

And the past weekend and some afternoons I have managed to do that, and it was amazing, I reconnected with what is important, and I had some happy eyes because they had things to see, amazing things, but at the same time simple things, that we should notice everyday and they should bring us joy. 

But like I always say, a picture is better than 1000 words...so let's enjoy. 

Tired ...low battery

 Sometimes it gets me. Like all people, I end up after some terrible difficult work days, I end up tired, and maybe sad and disappointed. So what is the source of all that disappointment? Is it real? Or it is it composed from all the little things that happened during the day: less water, less breaks, less fresh air...no wonder that at the end of day, is just me and my two screens for work, and then I say I live. 

What is life? What does it mean to be alive? Do I need to feel my soul or what? I have good days and bad days like any human being, and that's ok, but what do you do when you realize that the bad days start overcoming the good days? What is the plan then? 

Funny thing this crosses my mind. I keep saying that I am well, and that I am happy, and that all is well? But is it all ok ? Am I truly ok? or I am pretending so well, that I am now not able to see the truth. 

What do other people think? Or what do they see? Well this answer is pretty simple, they see exactly what you show them. If is the happy face you show them, they will say, yeah she is ok, but if you dare to show them the sad face, than is like many thoughts will be shared, thoughts not asked for, but just from the need of people to snap you with their ideas: that you need to rest, that you do not have enough friends, that you do not have enough money, and they can go on and on with what is wrong with you...so then I ask...why would we start sharing all of that with people? 

What is the point of being honest in a world where even your close friends, seem like they are brothers with the enemy, and where they want you to make a mistake so that they can rejoice...

Is exactly like this girl I know is saying...: whenever my grandmother trips and falls, I laugh! She does not help her, she does not panic, she does not feel the fear that her grandmother can be hurt, she just laughs at the burden of someone else. 

Sad story, but if we are to be honest, our first tendency is the same, to laugh at the person who struggles, to mock her/him, to ignore the real pain, because ...guess what....this might make us feel our pain. 

So...perhaps that is why I am here right now, perhaps I have been avoiding for so much time seeing the pain in others, and covering that pain in pink sparkle, and now, when I actually see it, and when sometimes I even feel it, when in the middle of a pandemic you can feel that you are surrounded by so many negative feelings....anger, hate, fear, sadness...how can you be? 

2020 and 2021 are years that we will all remember, at least those of us who will live to tell the story. They will be years, when even at our greatest moments, we are still not seeing the cruel reality. Outside our safe homes, and our safe hearts, people are dying, from a disease that no one can control. 

No wonder than, that today, just today I am having a bad day, a day when all that is going on in the world, and even in my close world is not so good. 

But there is hope...tomorrow is a new day, and something good will come along, for sure. In the smile of a child, in the walk of an aged person, in the birth of a baby, in the happiness of a dog, in the snuggle of a cat, in the smell of a flower, in the sunrise, in the sky, in the rain....and mostly in all the people that we are surrounded by. 

Have faith, tomorrow is not out of the Mighty Hand.