It's been such a long time since I found the time to stop and do some writing here. And it was good that I did not have the time, as clearly there was not much to write about, or at least nothing so important. But now, the time has come, and with some delay, I finally found the courage to write about the fact that you left me, that you went to a better place, that you went to be close to my beloved sister. Mum, I still can't believe that you are not here with me anymore.
There are so many emotions that I feel. Some I am able to identify, but many feel as though I am holding them somewhere deep inside, in my gut. I do not want to express them, because expressing them will make all of this real. It will make me fully realize that you are gone and that I will never see you again.
Of course, my mind is aware that this is the case, but at the same time, my heart and soul do not want to accept it. You were the center of my life these past years. Since Raluca died, my life revolved around you and your happiness. And I hope you were happy, my dear mother, because I did everything I could and everything I knew how to do to keep you that way.
I hate that, in the face of death, I feel so powerless. I hate the fact that I was not able to fix it, to save you, so that you could continue living your life here with me.
Oh, how I miss you. As I am writing these words, memories of you come back to me, and I just want to see you downstairs. I want to hear you. I want to touch you. I want to hug you. I want to love you a little more.
You will never be forgotten, dear mother, and you will always be loved.
I hope the two of you are together, and I pray that I will find the strength to keep living and to celebrate this life, in my loneliness, until the day we are reunited.
I love you, my dear one.
