Friday afternoon and suddenly a simple day that was preparing the weekend, became this sad and tensed evening because of different things. The experience of others is not visible in social media, it is clear for me now. Words do not replace the presence of the human being in the same room. Our other senses are not at work when it comes to social media. We only use the sight and we feel the cold keyboard. The rest is all subject to our imagination.
We often add the voice of our counterpart, we add their thoughts into our mind, we assume what they meant to say when the text is not making enough justice. Is a perfect opportunity to be misunderstood, or to misunderstand someone else.
This happened to me today, and it was really painful. I felt this pain for many hours, and I still feel it even now. And to finish the day in a positive note, I had tickets to Verdi's Requiem. And as I was sitting there, hearing the music and ignoring the two people in front of me, a feeling on loneliness filled me.
I just felt alone, I felt like I am completely alone. As a side note, I was at the concert with a friend, so physically I was not alone.
However, at a soul level, I was alone. And since my sister died I think I had more moments like this one, moments in which I am realizing, with excruciating pain, that she is no longer with me, that she is no longer alive, that she is somewhere else.
And with that, I realize that I lost my biggest sister, my biggest fan, my number one supporter; I lost the care she was giving me, in her own way, I lost her love that she always had for me, no matter what, and no matter when, I lost the companionship, the fact that she was always there with an encouragement, even when I have done the worst things possible.
Even when I was not right, she was always by my side. And not having that, leaves me with a big empty space in my heart, that is aching during a lovely interpretation of the Requiem, that is aching during any conflict with any of my friends, cause I come to the realization, that no one was like her.
That she was the one, my blood, my sister, my caretaker, my protector, and the person who believed the most in me. She would have the right words for me all the time. With her smile, she used to tell me, You can do it, You can do anything you want to do, You are amazing, There is no one like you, etc.
And now, I think these is who she was. These were not words only about me, these words are reflecting her, truly.
This Requiem tonight was for you my dearest sister.
I miss you so much!
And as time goes by, I feel like I miss you more.
I wish so many things, but I need to keep it real, it is part of life, and I believe in the afterlife, the place where we will meet again. Maranatha!
Love you, so so much!
