Today has a flavor of laziness, for some reason I can not make myself do something all together, something meaningful or just something. I am unclear what happened for me to get in this state, perhaps is the wind that is blowing softly, maybe expecting a storm, perhaps is just the lack of sleep, or maybe these are the carbs that are impacting my stamina.
During this laziness feeling, to my surprise, i have many thoughts running around. Some thoughts are related to grief and simply missing my sister, some thoughts are related to life and finding joy in what what life has to offer, and some are related to the natural decrease of our vitality and the natural direction towards death and dying.
Yeah, this is a bit of darker post than what I am used too, so I assume also those who are reading these words are a bit surprised by the tone of this small note. Well, I am not depressed, or at least i think i am not, but i feel lonely, and this is a feeling that I struggle to explain, or maybe I do not need to explain it, just to sit with it, and see where is it coming.
I feel lonely now, because i feel like my friends have abandoned me. Why I feel they did that? Well is because I am no longer of use for them, I do not bring them joy, make them laugh or something. It reminds me of the time when another set of friends abandoned me, in a moment of my life when i did not need to be abandoned, and still they did it.
And perhaps feeling like this today just brings back those moments as well, and it doubles the feeling and the emotion.
I also felt lonely that night. The night in which my mother did not come back home. I remember vividly laying in that bed with my sister and our dog, waiting and waiting for her to return home. We were asking each other if she will return, just to fall asleep probably with tears in our eyes, because she did not come back. And suddenly it was just us, all alone, with no money, no resources, no house over our head, just us.
Oh this is heart breaking even for me when I am writing it, although i kind of lived it.
My mum, she is awesome.
My sister, she was awesome.
I am awesome.
We are family of survivors, a family of fighters for life and for the simple joy of living. But the road was not easy, and all those wounds, and all those suppressed feelings are somewhere inside, in my sister's many illnesses, in my mother's smoking, in my weight and my tendency to get angry.
Years after this, i ended up loosing my hearing as well. And no one knows why. 7 years since I am not able to hear any sound with my left ear. Feels like a punishment somehow, although probably is a blessing, or simply a random physical thing that happened.
Anyhow is sad, and maybe all of these memories, and feelings, and acknowledgments make me feel lonely, even when I am surrounded by people.
I fell I am not entirely accepted for who i am, at times i can identify feelings of shame about my past, about my weight, about my future and these make me feel unaccepted, cause the world is there looking for perfect figure both physically, mentally and spiritually. And I am none of those.
So I feel lonely, for not being able to be accepted by others.
I feel accepted by Teddy, he is the one that is not judging me. He is the one that welcomes me in the same way, no matter what the day brings. As I write about him and about I feel when I am with him, I feel my eyes tearing up.
Is such a nice feeling to feel accepted and loved for who you are, for what you can or can't give at a moment in time, and still be loved, and accepted.
Maybe this is not entirely a human possibility. Maybe this is what Heaven will be like. But what is Heaven if not everyone you have loved is there?
A question for another time.
Writing is pure therapy, i am thankful for taking the time to express some thoughts in writing.
I always feel better once i do this.
