I am learning to experience pain and suffering in different ways. I learnt that suffering does not come with a huge noise, not necessary, that pain finds a way to cover all your main functions, and you just feel your body very relaxed, and in a sleepy form. It is like you are almost about to fall asleep, but you will not. You just stay in this numb stage for a long while, till you sink and feel all the pain that you need to feel.
This is how I am today, and this is how i have been the entire week to be honest. Grief is hard, and you are under the impression that as days are passing by, the pain and the absence will be easier, but they are not.
They are the same, or even worst if I can add. We miss you so much, both mum and I. We remember you in every little thing we do, and it is really painful, to just feel the void and be unable to fill it with anything else.
There no other way, than ask God to come and fill the void with His love and His presence, but the void is still there, only covered in His love and care.
Today is your birthday (46), and yet we can not celebrate your life anymore, cause your earthly life ended too quick and too painful. 5 months and our hearts are still bleeding.
We can not let it go. You are most loved by us and by all your friends.
Is a sad day, even if I try to cover it in laughter and in encouragement, and in thinking of the after life, it is a sad day, and I can feel it through all my body.
And I feel lonely, so lonely without you. I never realized how much of my life you were filling. I only did that when you went to the hospital and i experienced it, and now ...when there is no way back, i experience it every day, every night.
There is no one who was so close to me as you. I loved to be your sister, and to take care of you, and to celebrate your birthday every single year. I loved your birthday more than mine. And today....it is just a day...to commemorate your life, and to honor you with our thoughts and our love.
I wish you were here. I can not lie. I am not sure if I am angry that you are gone, I think I have reached the stage where I accepted the fact, but I still wish you were here with us.
I look at your grave, where there is no more space to add a flower, as it is covered in flowers, and I can not comprehend that you are there, and that you stopped breathing a long time now.
I dream of you speaking to me, touching me, embracing me, making jokes, watching your phone, and the tv. I simply miss you, with all your peculiarities.
I hope that you somehow feel these thoughts and all this love. I know maybe it sounds stupid...but I want to know that you feel this love that is coming from us towards you.
You are so special, and I will miss you 4 ever! Happy Birthday dear Sis!
