Time for a fresh start

 

I can not believe that once again I stand in front of a career change. Feels like it is too often in the past decade. But is it really? Some people might say spending 1.5 years in a company where you feel like you are not learning is a bit too much. 

But what about me? What am I saying? Well, I am saying that resting is such a good feeling, but is so not sustainable for someone who wants to learn and grow. I think these two factors are very important to be able to take the right decision and continue in a job where you have little to no satisfaction. 

Add to that a couple of superiors that are simply just that. Superiors, or people who genuinely believe they are better than you, which is so wrong and it is the recipe for disaster. 

I know this is a good moment to restart, and see what this new environment has to offer. 

Less is more, and this is the motto i should be able to live by. 

I will build my confidence up, and I will be good at what I will do, like I always have. 

I will also enjoy the ride, as it is worth. 

Confidence up! Fresh start:) 

Is it for real?

 I want to write, but I only want to write about this. About these wonderful conversations we are having, about the time that seems is never sufficient to talk and talk, and to discover each other. 

I never thought I would experience something like this, and I have so many thoughts, but also some feelings. 

Oh dear, my heart is beating faster when we are talking, and the way he is answering to these questions, makes me think he is not real, but he is. 

Not sure how this will evolve, if these conversations will end somehow, but I truly want to make the best out of them, and to enjoy them, and to enjoy his company, virtually for now. 

I wish to have patience, courage and the right words for this to work further. And i am willing to explore the art of possibility. 

Happy birthday to me! 42nd decade!

 It comes with a different level of energy, but another level of acceptance. 

I am grateful, when I look at my life, I did well, I am happy with where I am. 

For my 42nd birthday, I wanted something small, but clearly small is not my thing, therefore once again it ended up being a rather bigger thing, but it was really nice. 

All my friends, those I care about were present there, or at least invited even though they could not make it. 

I felt the peaceful note of the evening, I felt cherished and blessed, and in a way I was happy I still can do this for other, bringing them together. 

I enjoyed having my mum there, with her dear friend. I want to cherish these moments when we are together, I want them to be pieces of memory for when life will take a different course. 

I need to be more grateful about the people that I have in my life. 

I will pay more attention going further. 

And the pictures to follow! The day could not start or end without my loyal friend Teddy!

Being 40+ comes with a price

 As I am slowly enjoying the passing of the years, in my 40's if i can say that, I am realizing that things are changing when you reach this age. Some things are shifting and I am longing for something more. 

I was always the kind of person that was not bothered by what others were doing, how I was perceived, or at least I was trained not to pay attention to things that were hurting me. 

But now, after experiencing so much loss in my life, specially with Raluca's passing, I find myself feeling everything and wanting more connection from my existing relationships. 

Of course they do not know that this is what I need cause i am not such a vulnerable or communicative person, well I am, but for superficial things, not for the ones of the heart. 

Therefore I sense that I want more, but I am not sure how to get more. 

I feel this sadness all around me, I feel the pain of not having someone to share all of this with. 

Not necessary a man, a companion, although that would be nice as well, but just a kindred spirit, someone curious about my feelings too, not just someone who uses me to release their emotional tensions, and then they move on to the next attractive thing in their agenda. 

It seems also like a form of rejection, or of not being sufficient for others. 

Perhaps is a phase, but the reality is that the perspective in your 40's changes a little bit, and I am accepting it. 

I am accepting and acknowledging the change and the emotions that come with it. 

May it be for the better:D 

Lazy day

 Today has a flavor of laziness, for some reason I can not make myself do something all together, something meaningful or just something. I am unclear what happened for me to get in this state, perhaps is the wind that is blowing softly, maybe expecting a storm, perhaps is just the lack of sleep, or maybe these are the carbs that are impacting my stamina. 

During this laziness feeling, to my surprise, i have many thoughts running around. Some thoughts are related to grief and simply missing my sister, some thoughts are related to life and finding joy in what what life has to offer, and some are related to the natural decrease of our vitality and the natural direction towards death and dying. 

Yeah, this is a bit of darker post than what I am used too, so I assume also those who are reading these words are a bit surprised by the tone of this small note. Well, I am not depressed, or at least i think i am not, but i feel lonely, and this is a feeling that I struggle to explain, or maybe I do not need to explain it, just to sit with it, and see where is it coming. 

I feel lonely now, because i feel like my friends have abandoned me. Why I feel they did that? Well is because I am no longer of use for them, I do not bring them joy, make them laugh or something. It reminds me of the time when another set of friends abandoned me, in a moment of my life when i did not need to be abandoned, and still they did it. 

And perhaps feeling like this today just brings back those moments as well, and it doubles the feeling and the emotion. 

I also felt lonely that night. The night in which my mother did not come back home. I remember vividly laying in that bed with my sister and our dog, waiting and waiting for her to return home. We were asking each other if she will return, just to fall asleep probably with tears in our eyes, because she did not come back. And suddenly it was just us, all alone, with no money, no resources, no house over our head, just us. 

Oh this is heart breaking even for me when I am writing it, although i kind of lived it. 

My mum, she is awesome. 

My sister, she was awesome. 

I am awesome. 

We are family of survivors, a family of fighters for life and for the simple joy of living. But the road was not easy, and all those wounds, and all those suppressed feelings are somewhere inside, in my sister's many illnesses, in my mother's smoking, in my weight and my tendency to get angry. 

Years after this, i ended up loosing my hearing as well. And no one knows why. 7 years since I am not able to hear any sound with my left ear. Feels like a punishment somehow, although probably is a blessing, or simply a random physical thing that happened. 

Anyhow is sad, and maybe all of these memories, and feelings, and acknowledgments make me feel lonely, even when I am surrounded by people. 

 I fell I am not entirely accepted for who i am, at times i can identify feelings of shame about my past, about my weight, about my future and these make me feel unaccepted, cause the world is there looking for perfect figure both physically, mentally and spiritually. And I am none of those. 

So I feel lonely, for not being able to be accepted by others. 

I feel accepted by Teddy, he is the one that is not judging me. He is the one that welcomes me in the same way, no matter what the day brings. As I write about him and about I feel when I am with him, I feel my eyes tearing up. 

Is such a nice feeling to feel accepted and loved for who you are, for what you can or can't give at a moment in time, and still be loved, and accepted. 

Maybe this is not entirely a human possibility. Maybe this is what Heaven will be like. But what is Heaven if not everyone you have loved is there? 

A question for another time. 

Writing is pure therapy, i am thankful for taking the time to express some thoughts in writing. 

I always feel better once i do this. 

3 years without you!

 Time flies, this is how I start almost all of my posts, after a long period of being silent on this blog. Why was I silent? Perhaps because there is not much left to be said, or perhaps I am just tired of writing for no one else to read. 

But this time, I need to write, i felt it in my heart that I can not let this occasion slip away. 

And the occasion is nothing to celebrate in particular, is rather the contrary, is an occasion to talk about grief, and about missing my dear one. 

36 months have passed, 3 long years without you in our lives. I think about you every single day I guess, and some days even more than once per day. I still do not know how times goes so fast, and how 3 years have passed since you gave your last breathe. 

Know this dear sister, we loved you so much, and i am sure other people did as well, but when I talk about our mother and I, we loved you to the sky and more. I think somehow you were the center of our lives, the point to which we always came back, the point we both fought to keep safe and protected. 

And to a certain level, I am sure we both feel, we failed miserably to do that. 

In life, we are not able to to choose what is best for us. We do not choose the priorities right. Because we do not set them correctly. Instead of putting family as a priority we put money, instead of time spent well with people who care for us, we spend time with people that will forget us, the moment they found someone better, more interesting etc. 

Why do we do that? 

At times I felt like when the time was to spend more time with you, I needed to focus on material wellbeing, and that ate my life , ate my time to spend with you. Now i have a roof over my head, i have some money, more than I need, I have all the material things I once wished for, but I do not have you. 

Is such a hard thing to process, and to accept. 

Today I want to honor your life. I want to honor the influence you had on me, the things you put into my heart and my mind, that no one knows about. I am honored to have been your sister my dear one. 

I am what I am today, because I had you to lean on in the most difficult times. I sacrificed some things for our life, but i think you sacrificed far more. 

I know you loved me, so much, and you cared for me, almost like a mother, I did the same at a certain point. The three of us are the strangest family ever. Each of us suffering and arguing for the sake of the other. We loved one another so deeply and so specially, and now the chain feels /is broken. 

One important part is missing. 

Sister, I am reading a lot, about things, about God, about the Afterlife, and I truly hope that you are in a better place, that nothing is hurting you, that you have some sort of visibility over us to know and feel how much you were loved, and I hope the promise of being reunited is true, and I will get the chance to be with you again, in a new place, much more beautiful, and a place where love will prevail. 

My dear loving sister, I end this letter, with a bitter sweet taste, but with the peace in my heart, that I know how special our bond is/was. 

You will be in my heart for ever! I love you endlessly!