Happy New Year 2022

It is another final countdown towards the end of a New Year. 

Goodbye 2021 and Welcome 2022! 

It was a good year 2021, full of many blessings and many good things that happened to me, and to us as a family. I end the year in gratefulness, I am grateful for my family, for my friends, for my job and for all the learning that I have accumulated this year, due to the multiple experiences I had. 

It is with joy that I am grateful at the end of the year also for the miracles that I am seeing. I am grateful to see that finally for the past 1-2 days things are getting better for you. I am thankful for this fact, and it is such a good thing! I am still praying and hoping that 2022 will be better than 2021, in the sense that I will have you with us for a longer time. 

I can not focus on other things regarding 2021, considering this was the biggest one, and the hardest one. 

What I know now, and i think I did even before this, is the fact that I need to sit close to You and by doing that, things will be ok. Not necessary that problems will disappear, but the way that this journey will be perceived it will be very different than the way is perceived without being close to You. 

I am so thankful this year for my small family, for my mum and for my sister, i think we ended this year closer to each other and somehow closer to you, and that is great, and I am thankful. These ladies that are my family are amazing, and i really love them, and i want to spend with them every moment i get. 

I am so thankful for the friends I made. I had some friends, i always had friends, but it seems like this year somehow i made more, if that is even possible. Thank you for all the old relationships I have managed to keep and to further develop, and thank you for all the new additions to the gang, I am happy to have some fresh people in my life, and I do not want to take them for granted, I want to continue to invest in them. 

I am sorry about some relationships that did not work through as I expected, so I would like to think better next year, and be more open and available for those who want, need to connect with someone. 

I am also grateful for a great professional year. I managed to learn new things, to grow my team, and to be able to manage my financial resources (although this is an improvement area) where I could have done much better. 

I am grateful for all the people that I met, and that had an impact on me. 

Looking back at 2021, a second pandemic year, it was hard, and many people were alone, feeling alone, suffering from anxiety and depression, but I was not one of them. I was ok, with what was going on in my life. 

I am excited, and humble, curious and a bit afraid of what 2022 will bring. 

But what I am sure of, is that I will not be alone! 

Happy New Year!!! 

Ray of light

 After so many days, waiting for news, and not any kind of news, but mainly good news, today we received some positive information about your situation, and about you. And that made us really happy, and joyful. 

There is hope. We always knew that, that things are in control, but it is very different the relief you feel when you actually receive some good news. It is a very different feeling. 

So we are full of gratefulness for the news that we have received today, the fact that they are considering to move you from the ICU. This is amazing, and it is a huge victory from His hands. 

I can not imagine how grateful you will be when you will actually see us, assuming that once you are in a normal room of the hospital, we might be able to reach you easier. 

But the road is not ending here, you are still sensitive and there are still things that need to improve, so for that we trust that our Father is still at work and will help you. We are also here to support you with all that will be needed, for the recovery. 

I am thinking steps ahead I know, but I am doing my best to just stay present in the moment. We have had good news, we are grateful for them. And we are grateful for you, 

We miss you, very much, the house is still empty without you, and we are waiting for your return, to be able to be complete. 

You are in our thoughts and in our minds! 

Love you loads! 

Happy 70th birthday!

 In all the pain that we are going through, we also have a gratefulness reason (not just one, but a special one). It is about one of the most important persons in our lives that is 70 years old today. 

It is about the one that gave us life, and the one that loves us more than anyone else in the living world. 

I admire her, more and more each day. Initially I was very superficial and there was a lot of judgement in my mind and heart about things she did, decision she made that were not the best. 

Now when I see the decision that I took, that were bad, the challenges that I have, when small unplanned things happen to me, and I panic, I can just turn around in respect and love and look at her. 

She is the bravest person I know, she is always fighting for her family, and for the best life we can have. 

She loves us very very much, and she is not afraid to show us that. 

She loves all the animals that she meets, and they love her back, because she is such a good person. 

She has mercy for different things, and she loves all the children. 

She is the coolest mum, compared with all the other mum's that I met, she is open, outgoing, fun, and a good presence to be around. 

She is such a good servant and she is always willing to help with anything she knows and can. 

She is amazing, and I love her so much! 

I want to have her many many years here on Earth with us, and I want her to meet the love of the One that made her like she is. And if she is like this, how great can the Creator be? I wonder if she realizes that. And I am praying constantly for this. 

This is one of the hardest birthday for her, a constant reminder that life is not always fair, and that things can happen, and we can be surprised. But there is One who holds all things in control, and nothing happens without Him knowing and watching. 

She is a wonder, and I genuinely want to take all that is good from her, and implement it in my life. 

May you live a long, healthy, loving life, and may you grow in a personal relationship with the One that create you, and that loves you so so much! Happy Birthday! 

Christmas days

 It is almost over, the season of Christmas is almost over. And what will remain? the stores are already cleaning up the mess that was done by all the people that went shopping. 

The food is almost finished, and people already start thinking of a new week and they go out to by groceries. The people start thinking about work, and the fact that the weekend is over. 

But for some, for some of us, the Christmas does not end here, after the 3 days, after the weekend. 

The Christmas is carried in our hearts every day of the year, it is about the reality of God becoming flesh and living among us. It is a reality in which we want to live every single day, and in which we would like our dear ones to live in as well. 

This is my prayer for you tonight dear one. That you would get to live Christmas every day from now onwards in your heart, and I pray for a new life in Him for you here on Earth with us, while He blesses you with life, and then eternity, with Him, and with all the others children of God. 

I am sorry for not being close enough to you. Realizing that sometimes the human touch, my touch was all that you needed, and I did not give it to you. 

Mostly because of pride, or shame or whatever emotion that I felt. And now I wonder if I will get another chance, to do all that I did not do, for you. To spend more time with you, to keep you close to me physically, to serve you and to help you. 

I failed you badly. And i am broken because as days go by i acknowledge this reality more and more. I can call myself a believer, a Christian, a sister, family or whatever I want to call myself, but the reality is that I failed completely. 

And I am sorry for only realizing now. They say someone who is suffering only wants to know that he is not alone. And i know that you felt alone often times, and most times was because of me, or because of my absence. But somehow, even though it is a bit unrealistic, I hope and pray that now, you know that I am close to you, and that you are not alone. 

We are there for you and with you. We breathe thinking of you, and we hope and pray for your return home. 

Christmas. While Jesus takes the form of a human, He still touches our hearts and He makes us aware of the sins we have made against Him and against others. He can do that through the Spirit, and simply through a book, or a movie, an event, or a person, through prayer, or through thoughts, He has this power for making us aware of how we failed, and how we are failing at every step we make. 

But I am so grateful, for the debt that was paid at the Cross, by Jesus, the baby that was born. Without Him i would be sent to death, killed for the sins I have committed are many and painful. I have hurt many people, and mostly I have hurt you. 

Father, forgive me, for not showing love when it was necessary. Forgive for not opening my heart and my arms for the person who most needed it, and forgive me for not caring sometimes, as I was focused on my own agenda. 

I thank you for this Christmas, when despite all the pain that I am feeling, despite all the frustration and the unknown, I am getting closer to You, and I get to experience Your loving heart in a very different way. 

Thank you for your everlasting love, thank you for salvation, and thank you for the miracles that I am seeing every day, if and when I open my eyes and heart to see them. 

It is hard to say, but it is a Merry Christmas! 

Christmas Eve

 It is here, the night of the most important birth in the whole world. The night of the birth of Jesus! This is one of the most special times of the year, for everyone, but mostly for Christians who understand more the meaning of the celebration and the commemoration we have today. 

It was a lovely day, started with a snow this morning , beautiful, and then like every good thing it ended with rain, and a very windy and cold evening. Hence there are some carol singers that were brave enough to take it further and go singing on the streets and inform people about the Good News, the birth of Jesus and all that brings to us. 

I use to wait for this night , cause i really enjoy this period, singing carols, eating great food, spending time with family and friends, it is an amazing time. But this year, no matter how hard I try, I can not get into the mood. I decorated the entire house like i always do, i think we have the most lights that a house has inside and outside. 

Just to summarize, i have 2 set of lights outside, with colored bulbs, i have 2 more sets of white bulbs around the house, and 1 Christmas long light, that almost circles the house as well. 

Inside the house we have 2 Christmas trees, of course each one with their set of lights, one set on the staircase, one set on the wall, one set on my desk, and one set on the leg of a lamp. 

Also, on the first floor, we have 1 set of white bulbs, and 2 more lights over the piano and near another desk. So to count them, cause i am an accountant we have : 14 lights in this house, i think we can call ourselves fans. 

So i did that, then i did 2 trees, just in case, or maybe is it because i was bored, or trying to much, the fridge is full of food, and i feel like i can not eat...and yet my spirit is crushed. 

Also, i listened to carols all week, and to different ones, i listen to the sermon in church, and i am not in the mood for celebration . 

I know why I am not. I can't stop thinking about you. I wonder if you know that this is Christmas. I wonder if you know that is 1 month since you are not with us, since you are lying in that bed, and perhaps you are tired of looking at the walls around you. 

I think you must be exhausted from loneliness, and for not being able to speak with anyone, you love to speak, why this needed to happen like this. It must be so difficult. 

I think of your pain, and your suffering, I think about your thoughts and I pray that they are hopeful ones. I can not imagine how it is to be in the ICU for such a long time. 

I think that my most complex thought of imagining is not even close to the actual reality. 

I am suffering, at a smaller scale for sure than you are, but I am suffering because i miss you, and i want you home with us, for Christmas and for the rest of the days. This just makes it a bit complicated cause is a holiday and they say is a family one. But i want you with us every day, not just on a holiday. 

These are hard times that we are going through, specially being separated, and not being able to be in touch. This is the longest that we have been separated, and living one of us alone in a place that she does not like. 

Actually I am lying, there was once instance more in our life. And it was a time of great suffering. A time that i do not recall fully even if i immerse back in my memory and try to bring out things from there. 

I would say is the same, i a way, but in the other way is different, cause you did not do any wrong to anyone, you did not harm anyone, you just wanted everyone to be happy, and you tried to connect with everyone. I do not recall you rejecting anybody, in your entire life. And that is amazing. 

You are amazing, and I need you to come home for me to be able to tell you all the things that I want to say, all the questions that I have for you, all the discoveries that I want to make with you. 

I know we are connected, and no matter what anyone might tell me, I know you know what I am thinking, and know this, I have a big hope that you will be back home with us. I know that you are stronger than anyone things, I know that you have high friends and I am sure that God loves you so so much, and He is at work for you, and for his Glory to be seen in your story. 

Please obey and push through this, please remember that we are here, just a couple of km away from the place that you are in, and that we are waiting for you. If they would call me now , I would run to pick you up and bring you home, and take care of you, no matter how hard would be. 

It is Christmas, and I honor Jesus, and I am so thankful that He was born, that He lived and that He died, and because of Him we can live to now, and forever, but I m not able to celebrate this season without you. 

I need to stop trying so hard. I simply can not rejoice right now, and that is ok. My mind is with you, on that lonely bed in the ICU, tied to those machines that are running day and night, tight to the ventilator that secures your breathing, tight to your heart that is fighting for life, and more than anything tight to your mind to have the right thoughts, and tight to your soul so that you feel all this love that is overflowing to you, from soul to soul. 

You are so precious, and I love you, now and forever, here or somewhere else, you are my true sister. 

Almost Christmas .....painful for some

1 day left till the Christmas Eve, most special time of the year, not for all the gifts, or for all the lights and the Christmas trees, but because of the moment when the Son of God took the humble form of a human being, and from there the history of the world, and of each individual has changed significantly. 

It is a blessed period of remembering what Love did for us, and what Love He had for us to come down and really experience how it is to be part of the creation, feeling all that we are feeling, surprise, hunger, thirst, joy, loneliness and finally suffering, defeat and pain. 

I know I should be focused on all of the above, and I should actually continue to give praise for all that was given to us, and to me, but a part of me is just sad, and in pain, for having to spend this Christmas without you. 

When I look at everything, when I zoom out it is clear that in this bigger picture there are many things that are happening that are good things, and we could even say that are miracles, as many people including doctors thought that you will not make it, but here we are and you are still alive. And I am grateful for that!

But when I zoom in, into my thoughts and into all the fibers of my body and of my mind, I find so many things and so many levels of pain and suffering that I did not know they even exist. 

I was numb to suffering, i think i felt it, but i never experienced in the way that I am experiencing it now. And this is the beginning, cause as they say, this is a long road. 

I sometimes feel every heart beat that is hurting me, I keep thinking that I might die, before seeing you again. I feel that my brain is frozen sometimes, and I am circling in the same idea over and over again. 

Sometimes I am like very happy, seems like nothing happened, and I am in denial. I do not know how to process all of this. 

I do not know how to process your absence, and your presence in the same time. All the unknown that is around me, about you, about our future life, about God, about the future in general. 

It is overwhelming. 

Then the tears, sometimes they appear without being asked to come, and sometimes is like a dessert, there are no tears....they simply are hiding somewhere and they delay to appear. 

And this is the perfect occasion for the guilt to appear and to challenge me, that I am not as involved as I should be, is like the involvement or love for a person is measured on the quantity of tears that are being disposed. 

How can I blend the good vibe and joy of Christmas with all the sadness and despair for what is happening in our lives? 

I am praying for you and for us, and I know that God is already working on our family, and on our prayers. He is hearing them, and He has a plan, that at this moment we do not understand! 

But I know that despite what I am feeling, the key is to go deep in the Christmas essence, in the life, the death and the resurrection of Christ, and while I do that, I think hope will arise. 

Hope for victory! Victory here on this Earth, or victory while defeating the death and the grave, like You did! As your follower, that is what I am desiring for myself and for all my dear ones, to defeat the death and be victorious in Christ! 

Merry Christmas, and let us not forget, the Greatest Gift of all! 

Sweet encounter

 An unexpected blessing tonight. I call it blessing because it was a rare occasion, to see you. And she had it, so I am thankful. 

The bound between a mother and her sons or daughters is unbreakable. We often joke about the invisible chord that keeps a husband connected to his mother, but to be honest is the same with the daughter. It is just a universal truth that the connection with the mother, that "virtual" chord is never broken. 

Today it was that day, when a suddenly cut chord between a mother and a daughter, was suddenly re attached, and it was amazing. The blood supply started to happen, and the two were connected like they were never separated. 

I can imagine the scenery, walking into the room, seeing the daughter, tears in her eyes, and approaching her, touching her face, hair and forehead. 

Amazing love in one picture. A drop of life from one to another, and vice versa. That is how powerful love is, that is how powerful a mother's love is. 

I experienced that as well, but only from tales, cause i was not present, but it still touched my heart deeply, and i remained in awe around what love can bring. 

Grateful that this encounter happened, despite the little possibilities that were available. 

Praying that it will have great consequences for both parties, and praying for healing and for a swift return to home. 

Children are a gift, but not for the satisfaction of having them, or for what they can provide, but rather for the great bond that never vanishes.

Written by someone who will most probably never experience motherhood. 

Almost there - 1 month

 Late night, or late evening, not sure what is best. Surrounded by Christmas lights, by good books discussing the meaning of life and the problem of pain I think of you. 

I am utterly tired, but I do not want to go to sleep. Seems like sleeping now, while you are not here is a right that I do not have. Sometimes I feel the need to punish myself for what is going on. And one form of doing that is being sleep deprived. 

That is a part of the story, the other part is that I am full of worry for you. And despite the fact that I seem pretty logical and coherent, I am worried about you, and I am doing my best to keep my anxiety under control, and sometimes I am successful but other times I am not. 

Well, it is like that for other people too. 

I wonder many times about God, and His view on this entire situation. I wonder what does He feel? I know that I often say that God feels with You and that He is crying in your room, but is He really like that? 

Or He simply does not care, about what his little humans are up to? Why would He care? It is a global pandemic, so there are many more people suffering and in pain, so He would need to be crying a lot if this crying is the true story of what God is doing. 

But I wonder how and why allowed God this pandemic? Or the issues that you are having now? Or my temporary deafness (i say is temporary, cause i am an optimist, but for sure is permanent)? Or all the other bad things that happen in the world?

Why is He silent, and He does not come to explain Himself to why all of this is happening ?

I do not have an answer yet, I am sometimes surprised that I ask the question. I am usually not really challenging God, or other people as a matter a fact. 

But I fell is important, at least to put the things down, and to think about them. To read about them in the Scripture and in other books that are recommended. 

For sure no one that goes through pain, will be the same at the end of the tunnel...they will be changed. Some will be slightly bruised, some will have a complete shift in their mind...and for sure there will be no one left untouched. 

The effects of suffering are mainly good effects, you are gaining maturity even if you are not fully convinced you need it, you are tested and you passed, cause you reached at the end of the tunnel, and for sure you are more sensitive to other people's pain. 

And than there is death. At the end of suffering, it is death...spiritual, emotional and physical one. All of them are painful, and all of them happen alone. 

I do not know anyone that died spiritually, emotionally or physically with someone else, these are things we face alone, and we need to face them alone. 

I pray when this happens, that we will all be ready to face them, or that we will get some external strength.

For sure is not easy, but it is partially beautiful, a transformation, into something better, more like Him. 

We should talk more often about death, there is something...that makes the conversation more meaningful. Cause if we want our life to be meaningful, for sure deep down we want our death to be double meaningful... so that people could remember us...for the good things. 

Day 28 - still without you

 When counting the days on the calendar, I needed to count them twice, cause I can not believe that 28 days have passed. Time is an interesting element, although you know it passes, sometimes it moves so slowly, but then when you look back, you just realize how much has passed. 

So, I am in a sort of denial regarding the number of days that have passed since you left home. I wonder if you realize that it is almost one month since we are separated. It hurts. 

And the unknown is difficult. It often feels like a bad dream, and I am waiting to wake up and see that it did not happen. But at the same time, I wonder what if this is actually a good dream, and I will soon wake up into a worst one. I pray God this is not or will not be the case. 

We feel empty in these moments, when we are alone, and when the evening comes, and we can connect with our soul. We feel the sadness, and the pain coming up from the feet towards the legs, abdomen, stomach and throat. It is a somatic experience. 

I wonder, and we wonder about you, how are you? is it still you ? do you still have the power, patience and energy to fight for life? I hope you do, and I pray you do. 

I pray for all the people there, to treat you kindly, and to help you with the pain, and with all the rest.

I feel so many things about this situation, and I am not able to express them all in words. 

I know you, and I know your resilience, and I know you are not alone! He is with you, and you know that. He can give you the power you need to go through this challenge that you have right now. And in any case, no matter how this ends, for you is a win win- on one side you will come back to us, home, with your family, or on the other side, you will go home to Him! I am sure He awaits for you with open arms, it can not be in other way. 

But for sure, we are also waiting for you with open arms, and with more love than we perhaps showed before this event. So push through all of this! Be a conqueror in any way is best for you!

I love you always! 

Another late night post

 I made you a poster, and I hope it will reach you tomorrow, and I hope you will be encouraged by seeing the number of people that care about you, and wait for you to come home. 

You are so important to us. I was talking to one of our neighbors today and he also told me that he knows you are strong and he has full confidence that you will make it, and that you will come home to us. 

I echo the same, I know you are strong and you can push through, so in this late night, this is my prayer and my thought for you. Please push through. I can imagine that you might be tired of all that is going on while you are just laying down, but think about us reunited, and that should hopefully give you some strength to push through. 

Our days are lonely, and we do not know how to fill our time, so I can not say we are always taking the right decisions, and the right investments, but at least we are trying to take our minds off this challenging situation. 

Not that we are not thinking about you, cause for sure we both are, multiple times per day, it is hard for you and for us. 

But we will come out stronger from this experience, the three of us!  

Carols for you

 Tonight it was a different kind of evening, it was an evening with carols for you and for other people that are in the Cluj Hospitals. Together with a group we went to sing carols in the courtyard of the hospitals. I am not sure you have heard them, but I am hoping you did. 

She was there too, although I did not think she would be interested in joining me, hence she did, and I think she kind of enjoyed it. 

It is the Christmas time that reminds us all about a baby that was born in a manger, and that baby saved our lives and promised us eternity, if we are ready to accept Him in our hearts. This is something that you already know, I would probably not have known if it wasn't for you, so I pray that tonight you heard the carols and you remembered about Christ, and the offer he has for you, and I hope you already accepted it. 

Also, I am hopeful as it is a miracle season, that we can get a miracle, which is have you back home, healthy to be able to live more years with us in our small family.

We miss you very much, we are counting the days, and today is already day 21....without you. And for you is day 21 of challenges, and of pain both physically and emotionally. I pray you do not have the notion of time there, and that you think the time is less...cause I think this would already overwhelm you and touch upon your positive spirit. 

I pray you keep something from your positive spirit while you are in this agonic period, and you do not know what is next. I wish I could do something more...for you....for us...for all of this, but unfortunately I can not...i can pray, write, talk and think about you, which i am doing. And much more. 

I love you...and i love this carol, that i am leaving her as a memoir of this evening...

A different kind of post

 Today was such a cold and rainy day, and to be honest it was very difficult to sit in the house and do nothing, just sit and think of the great issues of life. 

And it seems like avoidance is something that I like doing and probably most of us like to avoid things that hurt us. This is what was said to me again today, by someone, who in the end seems wise, I just did not know till today. 

It was good to spend two hours away in the cold, it has been now almost 20 days since I have not done that, so I was grateful to be able to experience this. And not by myself but actually in good company. 

I learned something about myself today, and that is that I am human, and that I am able to express my thoughts and my feelings accurately, I am able to have a decent conversation even when I feel broken inside. And I can be an ok company in times like that. I do appreciate all the people that make time for me in this season, it is a gift, and I am opening it, without having second thoughts. 

I also learned that sometimes I do not have enough patience, and I am not such a good listener, as I believe to be. Sometimes I contradict people too early, so I must consider letting them finish before imposing my thoughts or opinions. Is just common courtesy. I learned that I like to spend time with different people, and that I can flex where needed, and engage in high to detail level of discussion.

If our situations were vice versa, I am not sure I would have been able to get so close to the persons and have such a heart to heart conversation, and this is more then appreciated, the courage and the openness to speak to someone going through this challenges. 

What is to appreciate and to notice is the way God is orchestrating all of this , and bring up the right people for the right moments, people who are comforting, people who are watching over, people who are praying, people who are spoiling us...it is such a unique gift, to see and to sense all this care, from human beings...i am overwhelmed. 

I hope this message of hope can go through barriers and reach you too. Because it is the same when it comes to you my dear, everyone is thinking about you, and want to be there close to you, as close as it is possible in the current scenario. Rest assure, that care is the word for you as well. People are getting closer to God while this is happening, and I pray that you are getting closer to Him as well. 

I trust and hope that you are getting better. It is going to be a hard week this week, but I am confident that we will come through with life, and with Life. 

Love love love - all you need is love

 There are so many conflicting thoughts that we have in our minds, sometimes we think an immediate doctor support is better than anything else, but then we are thinking the soft side, and we realize that love and knowing that you are loved are the best medicines. 

Of course not to underestimate the power of the medicine, but for sure a patient who is not sure that is loved can have smaller chances of survival, so we do not want something like this. 

That is why we are trying to be very creative and find ways to support with that, how to pass our thoughts and our love to you, while we have no access. 

So far we are leveraging a lot the spiritual side of things, and we are praying that God will reassure you that we , our family really love and care for you, then I am thinking more and more often about the telepathic thinking, and I hope that some of our thoughts are perceived by you as well. 

And of course, more to that is actually the practical things that we are thinking to do, that are related to messages sent by nurses, doctors or people who work in the hospital. 

Is not easy to manage to transfer these things to you. But truly we love you deeply, and we are waiting for you to get better and to come home. 

It is excruciating pain for us to not be able to do much for you, and I am sure beside the pain in your body that you also experience this pain that I am describing. 

God is the only love that can keep all of us together, and all of us sane. So I pray to God to have mercy on our family and help us go through this experience, and come out of it as conquerors. 

In the meanwhile...love is all around...we just need to notice it. 

Day 19...feeling a bit of desperation

 Almost 20 days, since you are struggling and fighting for your life, and the news is mixed, sometimes is good news, or we perceive it as such, and sometimes is bad, or they say it is bad, or we perceive as bad. 

Another complication appear, and I felt like this was too much for us, and I am sure for you too. 

This is mostly what I am wondering about now. I wonder how are you, and what are you thinking? I just want to have a post solely around thoughts and feelings, no medical information. 

Seems like patients in your condition experience some feelings that are terrifying, and this is only from reading some articles. I hope you are the exception, and I pray for this. 

I honestly pray and wish that you would focus only on getting better and exiting, i pray that for the moments when you feel the desperation and the fear, that you find a way through God, us or something else to move away from those terrible feelings. 

I wonder what kind of positive feelings you could have while being submitted to different procedures, and while not being able to breathe on your own, and just being stuck to a bed...with no ability to do anything. 

I struggle to find a positive feeling right now. I think HOPE, this is the only one that can grab you and like a drug can take you further including in dreaming with you eyes wide open. Hope is the feeling that can get you away from all the other bad things, so I pray that HOPE will be your ally, and that it will be everywhere in your mind.

That no matter what you would do, the Hope should not give you rest. You should just continue to hope that things will get better and they will. We are all praying for a miracle, and because you are one, and your life is one, we do have faith that you living can be another one. 

So push through this, and have an infusion for hope, so that no vessel can be refilled with something else. Please ... while you find hope, God will be there as well, and he will bring peace and love with the hope, and that is what I pray, that in all of what is happening and is not little, i pray that you could start with hope, filling in all your painful areas both physically and emotionally and spiritually and all the rest. 

Is a lesson for us as well, so let's reunite together, and choose Hope, like a way of living, and not an on off button. 

Day 17

 Just an acknowledgement, that we have already 17 days since you are not home. And the same number of days since we are waiting to know things about you, and statuses around your health and the time when might return back home.

Things are moving so slow, while I am sure for others time is running too fast to be grabbed. But for us is not the case. This is how it is when you miss someone, and probably this will not get easier. 

This is what they were meaning when they said this is a long run, and not a sprint. Is a long run, full of worries, and doubts, and concerns, but also a long run of learning to be dependent on God, to pray, and to ask for help in so many things... 

This is yet a moment when we feel small and insignificant in the wider scheme of things, but I know there is more to this, and that by having You as a Father, things are different, and we have grace that will deliver us. 

But is ok not to be ok, is ok to feel this ache that is not going away, even though we hear happy music, is ok to feel the sadness and the frustration of not getting the desired information and the desired outcome. 

I will continue to count the days till your return, and I am hopeful that God will not end this story like this, but rather differently, and He will reunite us ...hopefully here on Earth, or if not...in a different place, a place where there will be no more pain or suffering, and where tears will no longer be.

I cherish and I value more your tears, now that you are not home with me. I wish I could change the things. But I can not do that. It is like a fire....that is burning us to show the precious metal that we have inside. 

It's Christmas, and I like this new carol... an old fashion one...

Wake up call..

 As it was not enough, feeling numb, or taking the good news as they are, today we had another shoot of cruel reality, from him, the military doctor. 

Still trying to digest, the things he said, and still trying to comprehend what does it mean for us and for you. It hit us once again, like it does from time to time...the fact that you are not well, and that things are so very complicated, and no one knows what will happen. 

My dearest, you are so precious for us, and for Him as well, so we kindly ask you to focus and push your efforts into getting better and better, and come home to us. 

You are in our mind, and thoughts and prayer, and we really hope and wait for the moment when you will be home with us. 

Please push through! 

Saint Nicholas's Day

 Evening of Saint Nicholas. The story in my country confirms that during this evening and night Saint Nicholas is travelling house by house to give to the good kids some nice presents.

In my country Saint Nicholas usually brings only sweets to the good kids, and he adds them into their shoes. 

It is a nice tradition, and we are expecting it every year. 

But now, for us it is a bit different. We have prepared all the gifts that Saint Nicholas brought, but it makes us said that you are not here with us. 

It is a very difficult period and the sadness creeps into our heart and soul. We are waiting for you to come home. As Christmas is approaching, I hope we will all be together. 

In the mean while, you are in our hearts, and prayers!!! 

Empty weekends

 Saturday evening spent quietly at home. 

Thinking about you! You will be pleased to know that the painting with the unicorn is ready, available for you to receive it when you come home. 

Talked today with a couple of our friends, they all wish you the best, and they are hoping for excellent news and a timeline for your return home. 

I hear that things are slightly better with you, and I am hopeful that we will soon be reunited. 

A picture more than 1000 words, waiting for you. 

Loneliness in all shapes and forms - victory prevails

 The long chain of daily posts continues. I started these in a way for you, but actually it turns out it is beneficial for both of us, and hopefully for some random people that come across these notes. 

For any reader, these are personal notes in a way, and this is simply a window for me to put down some thoughts, and challenges. This is not aiming to attract a huge number of readers or to generate any type of fame or revenue. 

Is just a window to my soul, and my brain and heart. 

The funny thing when you are going through challenges and periods of unknown, or experiencing any kind of loss is the loneliness feeling that you get, and the awkwardness of people around you. 

There are several types of people that are usually around us, in our group of friends or acquaintances. There are those who are very supportive, and even if they are not in your proximity you can feel they are there to support you, make themselves available, no conversation is too tabu for them to have, and they are the ones that keep the rhythm of life going, and a certain normality. 

Than you have the ones that wish you well, and that occasionally they come in and check on you, but they do not do anything more, so you do not actually expect anything more from them, cause it is simply a check and if all is ok, they carry on, for sure if things would not be ok they would jump to support. 

Last but not least, there are those peculiar ones, sometimes even your close friends, or family. They are the ones, that just ghost you, you know they are there, watching, waiting for the next things, for sure they will jump in case needed, but they pretend like nothing is going on...and although they say they are there for you, you do not feel it, cause they do not express anything emotionally. 

Is just a peculiar situation, in which you are really triggered to push back and mind your own business. 

And surprisingly, this is where the pain comes from. These are the set of people that make you feel very lonely, and misunderstood. So even though you actually are alone, and you have a big burden to carry in the situation you are, these people are just making it worst....by pushing you into a dark corner of loneliness. So this is like very sad....but is something that I discovered through my experience. 

The learning is...life and death, good situations and bad, problems and achievements, successes and failures are part of life. And as friends we are called to be supportive with one another. In a very material world, we are called to be more emotionally supportive, then just materially. 

So not to be discouraged if something like this happens, but rather to ask about the emotional support needed in such a period, and those wise people, will understand , and will give it to you. 

On loneliness, perhaps the greater loneliness than this is the loneliness you experience in a hospital when waking up after a few days of sleeping. I can only imagine, the surprise and the panic that someone might feel waking up surrounded by strangers. 

But I am confident that you were wise, and able to cope with the surprise, and focus on the actual victory the fact that you woke up and saw again the light, and the people. And I am thankful for all of that. 

Today was a day of victory, we are so happy for the good news we have received after a week of only bad news! We continue to pray and hope for more good news and for recovery. 

Your time has not come yet! and this is my ask to God, to keep you more here with us! 

Our thoughts are with you, every minute of the day, we wake up and we think of you, we do something in the house, we think of you, we play with the pets ...again you are in our minds. 

We are praying along with many other persons for you, I trust you can feel the effect of these prayers. He promised that He would listen to any prayer that comes from a honest heart! And we are coming honestly asking for His help! we are desperate for His support, and we know that without Him nothing can happen. 

The biggest loneliness in life, is to live it without God! And for sure I do not want that for myself or for my dear ones. I pray that this is a time of reflection for everyone. 

Victory prevails...is just what He promised, and we need to stay anchored in that. 

Wondering and wonders

 Another evening, a December evening, the year is almost gone, I am not sure when it all happened, seems like yesterday it was January, and I was worried about how to survive the COVID19 threats. 

And here we are, December 2021 and you are not here with us. This journey of yours is actually triggering all these posts and all the thoughts that are running wildly in my head. I wonder about many things, things that I have influenced, things that just happened to me, things that I did not even realize they were happening to me. 

But there are wonders happening too, small wonders about the family, me and mum, you being stable, and us praying and connecting more with the Source of life. 

Small wonders between friends, and bonds that are getting closer, that is good. 

We are still hopeful, for a miracle, we are hoping for the good thing to happen, and that good thing is you being well, and coming home to us!

It is the wonder and the miracle in one, and we keep on thinking and asking for it. 

I know you can feel these thoughts and these things that I am writing and the asks that we make for you to get better and return to us. 

Please push through this, be strong and get better, we all believe in you, and we are ready to celebrate your return home. 

Is just how December is , full of wonders and miracles. 

Thinking about you!

 Day after day and night after night, for more than a week now, I am thinking about you. I am thinking and praying for your recovery and your return home. 

I wonder if you know or if you knew that if something like this would happen, I would do that? 

I never imagined this, till now. It is impressive how anxiety is useless. Nothing I have imagined in my anxiety regarding my life, is matching with the actual scenario. So the learning for me, and for others (from my experience) is that anxiety is lying to us, and it uses so much of our energy and strength for something that is never quite the same. 

So, this is a tip for thinking twice about being anxious. 

I am thinking about you sleeping and dreaming about us, I hope you remember the good times we had together with our small family, the different activities we did, the long discussions and fights we had.

You are so precious for us, and we are waiting for our reunion in the house. 

Gracie is playing around even now, at almost 11 o clock at night. She is so crazy :) . And she makes us smile, specially in this period when reasons for smiling are less than before. 

It is true she is biting, and she is scratching us, and does not let us sleep, but we love her dearly. 

Everyone else, is the same, but they are all waiting for you patiently. 

I hope you know that. 

Push through...and come home!