There is a song i like which is called mi confession. The band who is playing it is very talented, they have many instruments, and is a mix of tango with jazz and rap. It talks about the soul, and how to have peace. Part of the song is below, just for reference.
Sometimes i feel like the same person in this song who is sharing his confessions. The voice of my thoughts sometimes takes over my logic and my rationality. In such cases i often see things that i should not see and in the end i am the only one who gets hurt, so then what is the entire point to have this happening?
The thoughts of my heart, are hidden, somewhere very deep because i am afraid to show them. Why? Because like every human being i am afraid to be hurt and suffer, and this is how i think i am protecting myself, by not allowing good things and happy feelings reach into my heart. What if something bad will happen after i do this? This is not logic and irrational.
Then again i see that i have many passions and many activities, and lots of people around, but somehow i am longing of a different friend, and it seems like i can not find him. I am defeating myself thinking that this is actually a husband that will come in my life when it will come, and will swipe me off my feet. But i think he will not be the one, i believe he, if he comes, will still be a simple human being, so not quite what i am expecting. So then what am i expecting? I think i am comparing everyone to high standards, and all the people are failing. And i believe the friend i need is not human, is simply Jesus. I should turn around to Him, and see what flaws He has? I will then see He is simply perfect and i will try to work harder to be like Him.
These past days, one week actually were really hard for me emotionally. I have been exposed to many things, and i also did some mistakes, which now i am not sure how to fix. And yet again, i can not stop seeing how weak i am, and how many mistakes i make. I should just ask God more and more to walk with me, instead walking alone in this subject, and failing, every time.
Then the talks. The hours spent clarifying, 2 hours, plus 5 hours, plus another 5 hours, these are actually 12 hours spent to clarify something, and just to find something else. When something bothers me, instead of being comforted by others, the problem doubles, or triples, and this is why i do not even dare to raise it. How is it possible, that this scenario is actually happening?
Another glass is breaking on the cold floor. This was what happened Yesterday. The glass dropped and many pieces of glass are still on the floor waiting to be picked up. I appreciate a lot the conversations we are able to have, but i am suffering, i am again in pain, because the conversations are never about me, no one cares about me, they all focus on their own agenda.
Now do i do the same? i think not, or maybe is fair to say that rarely i do that.
I am disappointed, i want to put down my confession, and just stand in them, and read them all over again.
We will see in time if this is the starting point of something, or if this was just a bluff.
