It's Christmas, c'est Noel

Another Christmas, another year, another time spent with the family and with dear ones. I mean friends , family and pets. Good days ahead!
This season is always special and even if there is no snow outside, everyone finds a reason to be jolly and happy, and to love their family more.
I am perhaps the exception. Sometimes at the time of holidays, i have many discussions in the family, and i wonder what is the root cause of all of them. I am celebrating the birth of Jesus, and i understand the meaning of Christmas, but still, often time i am unable to live it properly.
I am very sorry for not being able to manage my negative emotions, such as anger or frustration in such a time.
They say during Christmas the rate of suicides increases significantly, and this is because more people have time to think about themselves, and complete the introspection that they are postponing for a long time. It s a season with many depressed and anxious persons. Often times i am wondering if i am one of them.
For sure i think i am not, cause i am able to introspect without having destructive feelings or emotions, but i can not help but wonder.
On the other side, i love my colleagues at work, it is an amazing time to be with them, work with them and have fun with them.
I really appreciate their openness, love and care for each other and i wonder if they are the same in their families, or if they struggle in the same way i do.
We have celebrated Christmas before the actual break through dinners, parties, gifts and spending time together, and it was really nice.
I shall do the same today with my family :)

Raindrops keep falling on my head

What would this autumn bring? Will there be new surprises in my life? Is it a new chapter ending and a new one starting? Or the story of my life continues to be written page by page?
Sometimes i wish i would know the future, but this is only for a short time, until i realize that even without knowing it i get anxious, imagine if i actually knew it , how anxious i would get.
I have mixed feelings, feelings that something good might happen, something i am longing for a while now, but at the same time i feel like something bad might happen.
I will look forward and enjoy the season of this autumn :)

Fear

Today was a day of fear; actually not an entire day but rather just couple of hours, but still felt like a potential threat.
You never know what the minute /hour or the day brings, we need to be ready for everything, life, death, injuries, happiness , anything can happen.
In my case it was about them, again about the two most important persons in my life. Out on the streets for less than 1 h, and still with anything that could happen.
How can you not be afraid ? how can you be sure that nothing will happen to you or to your dear ones? The simple answer to that is that you can not be sure, and there is nothing that you can do today to keep you safe from the pain tomorrow.
You need to have faith, that good things will come, you need to have faith that if bad things will come your faith will give you the strength to carry on.
I thought i had faith, but when such things happen, i realize again and again that i am still afraid, and that i am sooo dependent on my Father, and i need to ask his protection over me and over my family and dear ones at all times.
I need to keep my faith growing. For cases like this, actually for cases worse than this one.
I am grateful for the fact that nothing bad happened, but it humbles me to know how small we are.

Special people that make my days

Today is about them, about 18 people in my life that make my days good. I spend around 80% of my time with them in office, and then sometimes we spent time off as well together.
I am known by being able to create such environments, in which people like to work. And guess what i also love working with them!
They are very hard working, and knowledgeable, and they are very eager to learn. Some of them are more quite and reserved, while others are more passionate and energetic. And both categories are very nice to have.
I am very grateful for having the honor and privilege to meet and train so many people, and so many different characters.
They say is hard not to have kids, and feel the blessing of being a mother, but what i am doing is also close to that, i take generations and generations of young professionals and i work with them to make them better and to take them to the next level.
What more is there to life?

So what

Summer is gone, we are back in the season where leafs are falling, and the temperature is dropping significantly compared to the summer numbers. And autumn is a season not many people like, schools starts, seems like all the engines are running faster, traffic increases and so on. But somewhere in all of that is me, and i like autumn, i like it because there is a bit of wind, because the colors are wonderful, and because you can dream with your eyes wide open. And also, you do not sweat anymore like you do in summer.
This autumn finds me ok, i would say, still nothing new or significant to mention in my romantic life, but professionally , family, culturally all things are going in the right direction. I am involved in many things, and this is getting me very tired, but i feel like i am integrated and surrounded by all kind of people from which i can learn many things. And i am grateful.
My only worry now is on the health line, it seems from a distance that some things are continuing and now is time to actually find the cause, so that is a bit scary. Some people spoke already about something that i do not like, but the investigations are not yet concluded.
Sometimes i am sure i will not live as long as i want to , and in my dreams it seems like this is what should happen. I should be sick, and i should just leave this world silently. But , my friends, the bigger part of me thinks strongly that this is not God's plan for me right now, He has bigger ideas for me, He has bigger tasks for me to complete, and i am looking forward to understand them and do them.
I feel good, although sometimes i am scared as a mouse. Of course no one sees that cause that is hidden well, and is so deep that you need several excavators to see it.
So what if things seem to fall apart again? So what if things are not headed in the right direction from where i am standing?
I am still required to serve Him, and not because i need to, but because i want to. Because of love, i choose every day to continue my life with Jesus, and to obey and follow Him.
Scared, disappointed , happy ? for sure He will provide me the way to get out of the feelings and emotions that do not serve me. Trust is the key to this relationship, and i trust You!

Happy birthday to me!!!

Is here! The magical day is here :) and here i am as well!
through the grace of God i have managed to reach and complete this amazing year!
It was great today, i felt loved and appreciated, and the day is still not over!
Some pictures, not so many, just to have a glimpse of today!
I am grateful :)

Almost there

Almost there, - 1 day to my wonderful birthday, and being 36 years old. What can I say ? how do I feel ? i do not know yet, I will be in a better position to say that tomorrow once I get there. In the meanwhile i will enjoy today! which is a great day to be in.
I have been away from these pages since May and even earlier because I do so much journaling that I do not find enough time to put my thoughts here as well.
But from time to time is good to be present as well and have this blank paper ready to be filled with words, and ideas.
I am happy ! I am blessed and I Iove what I do, what else can my heart desire?
I have a Lord that is ruling my life and I am grateful for all the wonderful gifts He is giving me.
For my birthday I want to ask for another year in obedience  to Him! Another year in which He will be the most important in my life, another year dedicate to His plans.
Lord help me become more like you, fill my heart with joy and love for others! Fill my bucket with patience, love , care, obedience and respect for others.
Teach me how to be able to sacrifice for other people, and enjoy while doing that.
I rest assure and safe in your arm! I want to praise you from today till forever!

Mi confession

There is a song i like which is called mi confession. The band who is playing it is very talented, they have many instruments, and is a mix of tango with jazz and rap. It talks about the soul, and how to have peace. Part of the song is below, just for reference.

Sometimes i feel like the same person in this song who is sharing his confessions. The voice of my thoughts sometimes takes over my logic and my rationality. In such cases i often see things that i should not see and in the end i am the only one who gets hurt, so then what is the entire point to have this happening?

The thoughts of my heart, are hidden, somewhere very deep because i am afraid to show them. Why? Because like every human being i am afraid to be hurt and suffer, and this is how i think i am protecting myself, by not allowing good things and happy feelings reach into my heart. What if something bad will happen after i do this? This is not logic and irrational. 

Then again i see that i have many passions and many activities, and lots of people around, but somehow i am longing of a different friend, and it seems like i can not find him. I am defeating myself thinking that this is actually a husband that will come in my life when it will come, and will swipe me off my feet. But i think he will not be the one, i believe he, if he comes, will still be a simple human being, so not quite what i am expecting. So then what am i expecting? I think i am comparing everyone to high standards, and all the people are failing. And i believe the friend i need is not human, is simply Jesus. I should turn around to Him, and see what flaws He has? I will then see He is simply perfect and i will try to work harder to be like Him. 

These past days, one week actually were really hard for me emotionally. I have been exposed to many things, and i also did some mistakes, which now i am not sure how to fix. And yet again, i can not stop seeing how weak i am, and how many mistakes i make. I should just ask God more and more to walk with me, instead walking alone in this subject, and failing, every time. 

Then the talks. The hours spent clarifying, 2 hours, plus 5 hours, plus another 5 hours, these are actually 12 hours spent to clarify something, and just to find something else. When something bothers me, instead of being comforted by others, the problem doubles, or triples, and this is why i do not even dare to raise it. How is it possible, that this scenario is actually happening?

Another glass is breaking on the cold floor. This was what happened Yesterday. The glass dropped and many pieces of glass are still on the floor waiting to be picked up. I appreciate a lot the conversations we are able to have, but i am suffering, i am again in pain, because the conversations are never about me, no one cares about me, they all focus on their own agenda. 

Now do i do the same? i think not, or maybe is fair to say that rarely i do that. 

I am disappointed, i want to put down my confession, and just stand in them, and read them all over again. 

We will see in time if this is the starting point of something, or if this was just a bluff. 

Ireland, what a joy

Had the chance this year to travel to Ireland, and visit Belfast and the surroundings. I can say it was a real blessing the time spent in company of true friends and it felt like family.
It actually started with a very nice trip, to the Northern coast where i ve seen the Ocean and a very beautiful sunset. The weather was simply perfect, not to warm and not to cold, just how i like it.
We had very good ice cream near the sea, and we just spent relaxing time.
I loved mornings there in Ireland, because somehow it was just me, and my guitar, so i managed to have a really relaxing time, and simply enjoy the peace of everything.
Coming back to Belfast , we visited the Mussenden Temple which was a real wonder, specially because it was covered in fog, but not a simple fog , but rather a fog that i have never seen.
I really enjoyed sight seeing everything and spending quality time, wow it felt like really cool to be there, this is why i am going back in August to a festival , where there will be even more fun and time well spent in the company of friends and family.
But as always is the time for picturesss :)
Northern Ireland here i come

8 years and counting

Today is again about me , and about God's grace in my life. I am 8 years old, and time is passing so fast. When i look back and i do that often i am experiencing gratefulness more than anything. Gratefulness because You caught me in Your hand at the right time and since then Lord You have been my shelter and my strength.
I can not stop and wonder in awe, how wonderfully you cared for me, and how wonderfully you have developed me every year of these 8 that i ve lived so far along your side.
Lord there are still so many flaws i have, and i am failing in so many ways every minute of my life, but I am committed to follow you whatever that means.
If i am to live as i am today , i will praise you, if you ll give me more and i ll feel i ll not be able to manage, i will praise you, if you ll bless me further on, i will praise you again.
Lord i want to praise when i am on the mountain, but also in the valley.

Celebrating today, with a picture, for new beginnings, and for celebrating You, cause without You there will be no me:

Second time

I am not someone very adventouros in terms of  hiking or simply walking for long distances as a matter a fact.

But in the past under a certain influence i have done one walk in nature which took me completly out of my comfort zone. Is not that i did not like it but as i am not physically fit for such walks ( and this was a simple one) i struggle to complete it and i did not think i would ever do this again.

And here comes the surprise:)

The winter of 2019 is an amazing one. We had loads of snow so everything is white around us. Some friends with kids proposed a walk in the snow, at the closest montain near our homes, around 2 h drive.

I was reluctant at the begginning but somehow they convinced me to go. We left the cars somewhere in the snow cause we could no go higher with them and we started walking. The snow was falling , the trees were covered in white, it was a very dreamy image, felt like Narnia to be honest.

We starte to walk on the road , up through the snow, it was not easy specially for me. I think we did not go more than 1 km and i felt like my batteries were dying. 

But we continued till we found a small road on the right side, where all was white and untouched. The snow was reaching our knees , perhaps for the first time in my life i was experiencing something like this. We walked down that narrow road , it was sooo beautiful, the fear of unknown was still there but there was also a but of joy with it , and that was simply fantastic.

Further down we played a bit in the snow just enough to get wet! 

There were also some silent moments which were grea because i was able to hear the snow falling on my jacket and also when stepping the noise was beautiful.

In the end we have reached the place of the cars and we came home. Stoped for food and drinks , spent quality time, and then came home.

It was great and i m looking further to do this once again!

I am excited and grateful for this experience, but some pictures on the same will not hurt anyone

Cravings

I recently realized that everyone in this world is craving for something in many moments of their day. Some are craving for love, acceptance, grow, food, sweets etc.
So I have been meditating around this issue of cravings and why do we have this within us ?
Why we were created in such a way that whatever we have is never enough, and our heart, body and soul is longing for something else.
Here is what I thought around these lines: we were created in the image of God, so does that mean that He has cravings sometimes?
I do not recall reading something like this in the Scripture. So before the sin appear in the world, still it seems the human race had cravings, this is why perhaps Eve took the wrong decision in regards of the apple. She liked the apple, she thought it was good to be eaten and that will have additional benefit and will open their minds, so she took it.
My questions is then...why the pure and perfect creation had this flaw?
And how can we overcome it in the future?
I will need to do more reading around this topic, hence for now I want to leave you all with the thought that God is enough for all our cravings, and we should turn to Him, whenever we feel longing for something else.
Indeed He is the one who should and can fulfill us in everything, we just need to accept that, and remember that He is the power in weakness.

Effective time management

Being the New Year, and as mentioned trying to create new habits rather than resolutions, I have decided to have at least 2 posts per week on the blog, preferably early mornings when I come to office.
Why I think is important? because is a practice. If you want to master a skill you need to practice it.
And in my deepest desires I would like to become a writer. Well I know very well that in order to write you need to have: what to write about and you need to know how to write to catch the attention of people.
On point number one, I think I have many stories, to put down in a piece of paper, or actually in many pieces, but somehow I am not doing it, perhaps because of shame, fear or just laziness.
My journey in life, both personal, professional and spiritual has been very exciting and probably there will be some who could learn from it.
So this is it, I will keep in mind to find the courage to do it, and in the mean while avoid FEAR.

Happy New Year ...2019!!!

Time is so precious and it can not be multiplied, this is why I am sharing a New Year post in the middle of January. But is never too late to celebrate the new years, along with new beginnings.
2018 was one of the toughest years I had in my life, many fights, many challenges but also many blessings. As people we are often focused only on the negative side of things, and ignoring the positives. This is why the entire 2018 I had a Thank you journal, where I have added almost daily the reasons for which I was thankful for. Because this was great practice, I ve decided to master it doing 2019, and to keep the habit, as the saying says : make habits , not resolutions.

Some of my most important reasons to be thankful are:

- God and growing in knowing him
- my job
- my family
- my pets
- my friends
- nature and seasons
- health
- patience and love etc


I am looking forward to see what 2019 will bring, and what reasons to be thankful I will find in the middle of the storms that life will bring, but I know I will not be alone through whatever will come.
God will be by my side.

For Christmas it was great to be surrounded by my family, and celebrate with them, and then for New Year's is always good to have friends to celebrate with :)