December 13th

Well Christmas is almost here, but here I am writing about a different date which is 13th of December.
A normal day in the calendar for everyone, except for 1 person for sure. I believe there were various feelings and emotions in this day for one of us, standing up in front of everyone and speaking about what happened, 6 years of deep search of the meaning of life.
And now this person found the meaning of life, found God.
So then i can ask myself , why i choose to make this about me?
Why i can not just be happy for these persons, and pray ?
I need to stop treating people as my projects!

Goodbye Merlin

This is the amazing Merlin! The gift that i ve received for an entire week, and it was an amazing time to have him and play with him during the evenings.
Merlin was a street cat who needed a temporary home, and i ve offered mine.
It was great to pet him and watch him play, he is very friendly and was a loyal companion for a great week.
Now Merlin found a new home and new owners and he is very happy, i hope he does not miss me.
Also during this week that i had Merlin i found that time is passing by so quickly, and i felt like i have a meaning. It is amazing how God is responding to various prayers, sometimes through simple things like Merlin.
What also happened this week, is that talking about a special person, i ve heard that the pending thing to happen, already happened on the 01st of November! And i was not even informed, or it was not discussed at all with me.
That kind of let me speechless, and caught me by surprise. But at the same time i need to respect the decision taken, and i need to focus on the bigger picture and not on the details.
The big picture is that everyone is happy and so am I.
Praise the Lord for all the good things happening across the world!

Merlin

It s December and the cold is slowly coming, making the temperature decreasing surely. And it s also the time of the year when everyone is celebrating the Christmas, and Saint Nicholas, and snow hopefully. In these days there is a high chance that loneliness can strike again, and therefore God is working and supporting His followers. In my case he gave me Merlin.
Even though i m his temporary mother, this is a joy i have for these days with him.
Merlin is a grey Cat with green eyes, very friendly and cuddly.
I just wish to find him a nice home, and to be able to give him away, as i am growing an attachment towards him.

Well that s it for today.
Merlin :)

Matthew 6:33

H

Here it is, something that i ve been thinking about for sometime now. Till Christmas this is what i ve decided to do. Listen and read God s word and ensure i m seeking first this kingdom of God. So goodbye Facebook and Skype, and other distractions, for now i just want to actively search this place, where if you somehow manage to get there you ll have all the remining things added to you.
What a gret promise! i should be very excited to find the path to His Kingdom.
Dear God, please help me find your way to the Kingdom.

Other than this, notting else matters.

Let it go!

Practice is the key to experience! therefore i am practicing slowly but surely letting it go!
I have let go many things and although from time to time they come back, many of them are now waiting for me to pick them back up when time will come.
One of these things is related to one person, where although i would like to have some steps performed, i have decided that i need to let it go. You can not decide what influence or what will be the course of action for all encounters.
I like surprises and i believe by letting all these things down, there might be an element of surprise which will come when i ll less expected.
This weekend was a tough one, because it just reminded myself how hard it is to be alone in a city that you do not know very well, and where u do not have friends, or family.
Specially now that the holidays are approaching very quickly this is really getting to my heart and emotions. I miss my family and my friends.
The question that comes to my mind is why? why am i doing all of this while i m still young>?
Where there are two sides of this story, like in every story, good elements how this experience will help me mature and develop both professionally and personally, and second how it would have been better to be safe in the known environment of my city with all the people that i know around me.
I have not reached yet to a conclusion in this area, once again i let it go for sometime more, and then we shall see what will happen.
The above loneliness feeling with stress at work, are deadly factors so they need close monitoring, but again i have decided to let them go, and pick them up whenever i believe is the right time.

Letting it go has benefits, for short time for sure.
In the meanwhile i m reading several books, one of them i believe is very interesting, is called INSIDE OUT by Larry Crabb, and I believe it will help me knowing me a bit better.
I am looking forward to what will come next, but until now i m letting it go!

am i laying all concerns at the Feet of the One who can listen, and who s heart is so close to mine.
 

What do you want? what do i want?

Again when sin is coming into my life you are faced with this question, why and what do you want?
the answer is there, do not be discouraged - He is there!

Cold October - Brighton UK

Once again i am back in the UK Brighton city, which is near the Northern See.
Wonderfull landscapes, and a great see, full of seagulls, and not normal seagulls, but very agressive ones.
This is not a pleasure visit, but rather a working one. As always i have several responsabilities to fulfill in order to ensure business continuity.
What i can say is that is very cold here, cold as the weather is like that buts also as my heart is getting there. Seems like nothing is happening again, i am longing for something but time is moving so slow.
I need to manage expectations better and ensure that no one gets hurt.
Currently the only one at risk is myself.
I want to be brave and i want to be able to manage everything, but seems like i m failing.
I m sure someone will pick me up from the dust that I am currently. And then....the world will be mine :)

Amin!

Brighton city

Cold, grey and cold , here is how autumn is in the UK. I ve seen some beautiful landscapes around the city of Brighton and Hampton, and it felt like I was part of a wonderful story.
And i spent some nice time with old friends. Other than that this week was a bit stressful, some more decisions were taken from a business perspective, but all shall be fine in the end, and if not means is not the end yet.
Interesting fact, a certain clarification happened yesterday, and apparently the information was confirmed that nothing will actually happen. I believe everyone is disappointed because of this, and as always when stuff like this happens, i received a phone call asking if we are going to meet this weekend. Which for sure we will.

I still dream with my eyes open sometimes, and i know is wrong to do so, but i can not contain myself.
What if?
Is a simple question, what if?

Well this autumn and winter i want to allow myself to say more often what if ? :)

Autumn mornings

Is October again. I m seeing the nature taking her coat of leaves down, and trees are naked uncovered, exposed and vulnerable to whatever will come.
Here is a learning that we can have from this. Why we are so afraid of staying fully vulnerable one in front of other? The trees have no choice, one fine morning their leaves will start falling down one by one, and they can not stop the process. Shouldn t we be the same? Once we start to know someone shouldn t we just start to show our truly self?
I believe we are afraid of what will happen if we do so, or we have certain expectations, i will do that only if i get that or the other. And usually this is just in our heads, it is never communicated is just expected.
I want to be more vulnerable, and i want to be exposed and have faith that whatever i m exposing will be good for the person i am exposing myself too.
I do not want to have expectations or pans or hopes that if i m showing myself people will see how awesome i am...but at the same time, i do not want people to stop liking me for what they ve seeen beneath.
I just want to be open and sincere, and transparent.
I just want to be more like them trees.
Empty , transparent and fearless.

Dreams- any purpose in that?

What about dreams? Should we dream with eyes open or is not recommended?
I had this discussion with someone who i believe is recommending to risk and dream. The specific comment was that because i want to be always in control i do not dare to dream. And it is true, but i do not see why is it so wrong. For me it seems a very smart and good thing to apply in day to day life. Planning is very important, and just dreaming will not help anyone, and will not really set up the right expectation.
I had some dreams of course like everyone else, but i was hurt and there was no real benefit.
I m not sure what should i do next, if i should allow myself to dream or not...

I m thinking, praying and being in love with the world and people around me.

What next?

Now is the time when things will again change. I m not sure what would be the direction of this change, but i fell that there will be a personal change in my life. Things are slowly happening, i fell part of the city i am in now, i feel i am belonging to a group, and that there are people who care about me and my needs. It is a good thing that is happening. I am still connected though and my heart is still chained to the old people back home. And i m not sure how or when these chains will be broken.
Last night i had a very interesting discussion, one of many others, and i realize that even though there is not much there from a perspective, i really enjoy opening up with someone. I am learning something new, and i get to know myself better, which is a gain anyhow. The only issue that i have is that i can believe anything i want, and often like in this case, even if there are clear expectations set i still seem to perceive and than believe otherwise. This mind set is not helping anyone, and i need to start working on it and eliminating it if the case.
I am falling in love with music all over again, and this is another thing that will change in my life, seems like i a thirsty to hear and sing, and feel things. Is a different dimension of enjoying life. All my senses are ready and up to further experience life.
My prayer life is getting better and better. God is at work, and there are great things happening in my life. I feel like i am getting there, when my life will be settled and anchored much more in His Never ending Love.
Overall i am happy these days! and I am waiting for things to happen!!!

Respect is all you get

The weekend is gone. Another good weekend from some perspectives, not so good from others. It is always like this. I do not know what I want actually. I like to travel, i like to drive, i just want to take my car and run away from everything and everyone. I just want to reach a place where i can find myself. And recently i ve seen that i m able to find myself in company as well. What is interesting is that this is only with a certain someone, who is not always near me or available to develop this in me.
This person has no idea what kind of influence gets to me. I am dreaming sometimes. With my eyes both opened and closed, I manage somehow to dream and to believe whatever i want. And i think now is the case. I am seeing again certain things that do not exist. I need to stop doing that.
Is just respect what you get!
And is respect such a small thing? Not at all, is something that makes relationships last longer, however is not the thing everyone is running after.
The thing people are longing for ages is love. What is love? Why we prefer love over respect? Well i have no answer to that so far, as I ve been always the other person who preferred respect. But now?
now it seems like is not enough, and i m slowly becoming one of those people that are dreaming with the eyes opened. And they are not dreaming specific, but just dreaming about love.
i m not sure i want that. part of me would like to feel vulnerable and enjoy this kind of exercise, but somehow it feels like it is a weakness to be like that, and i need to continue to be strong and untouchable.
This is not always in my favour.
How things should be ? Very simple, there , then and now.
I am dreaming about things and periods of my life. I m afraid my life is getting shorter and shorter as time goes by. Actually this is ageing? ;) Sometimes back, i said i would like to age, now it seems like is not the case anymore.
Ideally i should have engaged in living my life in my 25th year or something, but unlike other ladies my age i was busy with surviving and making a life. And i am not sorry.

i love this song, as it comes from a very special person

One day...then another

One day seems like you have the world just for yourself, and then you wake up and you realize that you have been wrong all the time. You are not sure how that happened, but this is how is it now. And you need to start over. Usually you should not let your emotions reach to your soul, but when this happens is not that easy to step back up.
This is exactly what just happened to me. They reached deep into my cold soul, and now i m not sure how to pull myself up. I feel a bit sad, and i feel discouraged. I m not sure what am i doing around here. Is my place here? or not?
I need to believe, i need to understand that there is something more out there, is just that i m not able to see it right now, but one fine day i will, and i will be amazed by what gift i deserve.

But now, now my heart is in small pieces, and I m trying to fix it. The questions that come to my mind, are how come? how come it happened to me? and not for the first time, but almost the 3rd r 04th. What do i need to understand that this is not ok.
What does it need to happen to understand that i m not the kind of person that will easily reach that stage.
I m not sure.
I hope this pain will heal in sometimes. I hope i ll be able to forget, and forgive. And in the end is no one's fault. People have the right to choose anything, and this case is clear what the choice was. I would probably choose the same way. But wouldn't it be amazing is just for one time, just once it would happened differently? And i would be surprised, and finally fulfilled with joy and more happiness that i can carry?
Is it selfish to ask for something like that? Well i do not know.
In absence of something new, and in order not to be tormented by thoughts, this weekend was amazing, i made new friends, and i am starting to enjoy the life and the people in the capital city.
Here are the pictures:

Being content

What does it mean to be content?
What i believe is that there is a time in which you are happy with yourself, and u learn to embrace yourself as you are. And for me this is the time. I feel like i am now in a very good shape emotionally and spiritually ( for sure it can be better) but overall i am happy!
My life is settling down, i like my life in the capital city!
I am making new friends and work is going fine. On the family side seems like things are significantly improving and there is a quality engagement at a family level.
Also in regards of friends from Cluj the situation is far much better then it was.
I am 32 years old and happy! What next? God is blessing me with many things, and i am so grateful. Although i m waiting for one more thing which i am sure will soon come. I ve never believe that there will be a day in which i will actually believe and wait for things to happen. But these are the days and the periods, in which i am silently waiting for more. I feel i have now the right to dream bigger, and if it will not happen, well that s it, but the dream is there.

Fears that we hold

Deep inside our souls we all have and keep our own fears. The ones we never share with anyone, or we sometimes do but with very special people. This weekend was one of these moments in which such fears came across, and almost ruined a perfect weekend.
Different things bring the fears back, for me it was the mighty mountain, it just caught me in the circle of fears, and reminded me of long hidden thoughts and fears. I felt paralyzed almost, i could not move and my heart was beating so fast, like she was trying to catch up with life. I do not have a logic reason why this has happen, is just that I felt blocked and afraid of everything. Conversations become more and more difficult, words were stuck in my throat, very difficult to be pulled out. The person at the other line of the phone was struggling to understand why this reaction, which is not really a normal or common reaction. I am not common. I am anything but common.
I hide in my heart various hurts, things that are locked away, but sometimes something triggers those memories back, and then is when fear strikes.
I am not sure if this kind of reaction pushed back a bit the people around me, but is actually this which is called vulnerability, is this what makes people come together and relate as friends. And I chose to be vulnerable, vulnerable with those i believe they deserve to know me a bit better.
Of course the hope i held is that they are not playing with me, although it seems like they are. I am strong enough to deal with them playing with me, i get more strength in the Lord, and I ll survive this challenge as well, But pieces of my soul will remain broken, the map of perception is slightly changing and chances of being confused are slowly increasing.
The benefit of the fact that fear is settling inside my heart is the need of being close to the nest, and the family, and that is what triggers me to actually belong to someone and something. The need of feeling protected and safe in the family. And this is what was the choice during this weekend. To spend quality time with my family, as throughout challenges there is not much that can be done, just run to them, and be happy there , feel safe. This is what is simply required to catch back your breath and to relax.

September is almost here

it seems like it was a dream, and now is all gone. Good time flies fast, and this is exactly how this summer was. Amazing experience full of travel and adventures, discovering new things and places. Good friends, old ones and new ones, around me, and of course loneliness as well. It was a very good summer, and i am very thankful.

I am approaching Autumn so fast, and seems like there is no one around to celebrate it with. I wonder what is in the plan for me, i know i should wait and listen, as for sure there is something more to this like always, but i m just to anxious to know what is next.

I am putting in a lot of effort to do my job again, i like to do the things the best I can. I just hope i did not overstep into a role that i can not manage, and i am afraid of failing. On the other side, if failure is not part of my life....then i just lived in vain.

I should embrace failure more, both personally and professionally, it will give me the strength to continue and achieve greater things.

Overall i m happy, i would say i am content, i am blessed and i know God is in control. All good things are happening and will happen more and more, as he has something ready for me.
I just need to continue and keep my faith in Him, cherish and follow Him, which i want to do.

looking forward for what Autumn will bring in this city, and the colors of this place, i plan to enjoy it to the max.

A song to meditate on the importance of life and the passing of time

Recently I ve received an interesting song, that I really enjoy listening. It gives me a different perspective, and makes me remind and rewind my entire life.
time is passing so fast, and the life we have is a gift, so it needs to be lived properly

Fantastic experience....and now what?

another fantastic vacation in very good company, loads of joy and fun and quality time.
Greece is a beautiful country but this time, was even better.
It was one of the best , if not the best vacation i had so far. I felt accepted, loved and cherished, and it was with brothers and sisters from church.
I have doubts now, doubts on how things will move further, this time, i feel like the right thing is going to happen, i m praying for it

August reloaded ....4 days to go

Time is passing fast when you have good people around you and when you feel like you are accepted and you belong. This is what is happening in my life right now, time is flying. This week all is well, then weekend and going to the seaside, or to some other place. Is like I am getting time to relax and discover new things. i feel good. And i like my life here in this big city.
I m liking the city more as i m discovering it with the right people around. And it is great!
I ll miss him so much when he ll go home. But for now, i am fine to enjoy and cherish him. And i m sure he is as well.
But in 4 days i ll get into one of the adventures of my life, holiday again!!! Greece here I come!
I m looking forward for this experience again with the right people around. I just hope that there will be no challenges here and there, and all will be amaizing!!!!!

In the meanwhile, pictures to be able to stop time for the future:

Decisions again and again and again

What can i say.
from time to time i get the chance to take big decisions in life. I m sure all of you get this particular chance. I am hoping you acknowledge the impact. And this is a hope i have for me as well.
I took a decision yesterday, and the time spent with God to decide toegther wes very little, so was this the good idea? am i trying to control my hand, or am i letting myself in His hands.
a new project a new beggining, not many people get that a new beggining.... so i should be happy with that.
On the other side , i have ahead of me, many many days of loneliness. Or u never know if will be lonely days or not really. Time is flying so 18 months will be gone in a second. I sure hope so.

I need to be content, is a great opportunity. It gives me time to explore and to learn new things. Also, I need to stop the feelings i have towards Cluj. That is what takes me back. If something might happen, it will even if I am in Bucharest or in Cluj.
They need to have the courage to speak, and the confidence to know what they want.
I should not be attached anymore, i need to find strings here, and be happy here.
Please help me do that.
I needed really badly.

Amin.

Another year is gone! Happy Birthday to me!

Well i can say i am happy!
I am happy cause i have people who love me, and who miss me, and i feel that every step of the way.
And today was the day in which it felt like everyone was part of it: from home, friends, work colleagues- 202 wishes on Facebook, many messages and phone calls.
But the most special think that happened, was this, that left me speechless: 

Amazing! I love these guys, i really do!!!

For ever

My first instinct is to say and confirm that nothing is for ever. What if? What if this is for ever? How can u be sure if for ever is forever? Is such an interesting question that i kind of want to analyze and think over. Someone says i moved here forever. How can u know? What if life will take u somewhere else? Like me for example, i never thought my life will take me in any place i was. Even now and this experience. I am not sure why is it happening in my life, and why am i here, when maybe i was so close to something back in my city. I admire the force of the people who have the courage to say what they think. Sometimes i feel like i am a mouse, a terrified mouse sitting behind everyone with no courage to speak up. And why is that someone might ask... well when life is hard u become a very tough person, but not in the sense aggressive but more of a very protective with one self. U have layers and layers of protection  and feels like no one will be able to bring them down. And it feels safe.
I thought that as we grow old the need for safety will decrease as we will have more responsibilities and maybe others to make feel safe, but the fact is that we are still focused on keeping our heart and soul safe. And often we are trying so hard to do cope with this challenge, that we forget to actually live and enjoy life without worrying for our walls that have been just broken.
Patience my friend someone might say. It is still early and u are still learning and discovering the way of life.
5 more days. How will life be then? time is passing so fast, and seems like i m often celebrating alone, in the presence of my Holy Family - Father , Son and Holy Spirit.
Will be a great celebration, i m sure of it!

Loving the sun and the wind a the wind

last weekend , was an amazing one near the Black Sea. Being so close to the seaside, looks like every weekend almost i find the opportunity to go there and enjoy the weather and the amazing creation that God left for us to enjoy.
this time i was again not alone but along with great people ready for a great time
sometimes you can sit in silence with others, there is no need to say something, you can just hear your thoughts;) It was great

Adventure in Budapest

Finally I had the chance to take a couple of days off and run away to a close city in Hungary, which is Budapest. Nice weather and nice people, gathered together for a music concert. Very interesting.
But as always pictures will speak by themselves :

Gone ... in Heaven

Good people, good people that are called early to the Heavenly Father.
this is the case of a dear person that went up to Heaven earlier
She was a lovely person, always having a good word for anyone including myself, even if she did not know me so well.
i appreciate her a lot and i did not get the time to tell her this and now she is in that special place.
this is just a reminder for that special person and for all she did for the people around her
Rest in Peace!

Temptation

From time to time you are tempted to do things. The question is are you doing them?e
If you would try to answer this question you ll need to go back and see the moments when you  were tempted and the reaction you had. I can say for myself that in the past years being tempted with a certain temptation was very hard to resist, but somehow i have managed.
Until yesterday evening, when out of nothing i did not want to resist anymore. I wanted to break the rules, the patterns of the good girl.
initially i thought this would be nothing. And seeing that there is no response to my emotions and feelings i just wanted to feel something else, and to feel that i still have this skill, and that i can be as well like other people: loved.
Ideally i should have not drive towards the sunset, but i did. When you are sad or in need of something different your mind even if is trying to communicate with you is not really able to send the right impulses to your body. Therefore i was running towards the sunset.
it was nice , nice to feel the embrace of nature once again, nice to feel the passion and the warmth of this giant that was there for a long time. Age and location did not matter anymore as we were slowly enjoying the interactions.
Signs were there from high above, as the weather changed and dark clouds covered the sky. thunder and lightning were trying to stop what was about to happen, but i was not paying attention.
And it happened.
it felt strange at first but then, it was like walking the same path that you ve walked time away. It was like laying in the green grass from your courtyard, it was embracing the familiar again.
Strange feeling....just taking you more and more deep into the temptation.
it should have happened the other day, it would have been legitimate to happen the other day.
Rules are not meant to be broken.
Now i fear that i ve opened a box that was closed for so much time. And that i m not sure how i should close it. When disappointed these are the things that happen. Do not let tiredness reach into your soul, is one of the biggest dangers in the entire world.
I am sorry for allowing myself to go into this temptation....no words further just thoughts

Over and out

it s 12:00 AM on the 12th of May and i feel empty. Empty of all feelings and questions i might have. Tired into my soul. Tired of fighting for something else, for something more in my life. I need to put all this weight down, and see what happens. I have been trying so hard these years to see if this could happen to me as well, and no matter how hard i try it looks like it will not happen.
Like today and tonight, time passed slowly and then faster, and still no conclusion. Only metaphors and people using various pretexts for this meeting. I was somehow hoping for a closure topic after this meeting. Or at least for an oppenning, but it did not happen.
this was the easy way out. i hate it when the same person is different from writing and face 2 face interactions. And this might be the case. Why should i even care?

i m disappointed, or me, of the situation of what could have this been.
time will heal it always does

Bucharest so far...