Why , but why?

Why the human nature is made like it is? Why is so easy to sin again and again and again. Why when I try to do good things are not happening as they should be, and vice versa. This is the same thing that Apostle Paul is sharing in the letter to the Romans Chapter 7 verse 18: For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.^[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. ¹⁹ For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. ²⁰ Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
I feel exactly in this way, and I feel envy and jealousy for something that I could be part of but I chose not to be part. The idea is that I think I thought someone will push more for me to be part of such events, but this did not happen, and this is kind of frustrating for me. On the other side, I know I was right in cancelling the plan for today to avoid more frustrations as for sure things would have not happened the way I have envisage them to happen. 
I need to make friends that have the same interests like me to avoid further frustrations, my current gang has different points of interest and this is why sometimes things are not coming out the way they should. There are 2 ways to solve for this, either I change my interests, and overcome my barriers or I simply try to find also other friends that have the same interests like I do , and that are more flexible to things. 
So I need to figure it out, and perhaps next weekend will be a time when this can be further followed up. The idea is that this weekend I felt lonely, for some reasons, is it because she is not here, or for some other reasons, but I honestly felt like I am alone, and there is no one who cares for me, and probably is like that, I know that I am a GIVER and people feel the natural thing to take advantage of me, and of my kindness, but this is just how I am , I do not want to change in a big proportion. I want to be fine with giving and not be sad, or frustrated because I ve offered something. 
I wish to be altruist rather than selfish, for  a period of time I thought I was an altruist, and that I was not expecting anything in return for my deeds, but now, I start seeing that is not quite like that , and that I do have expectations only they are hidden ones. Sometimes even hidden from me, and this is why I am unable to express them, other  times they are just hidden from others and I am aware of them. 
Enough is enough, I need to grow up, and let these things behind.
I spent a great day today with my mum, and my dogs, it was relaxing and pleasant , rather than stressful and focused on evaluating myself and others.

My First Easter back home

This is my first Easter officially at home after 3 years of wondering in Bucharest.
My first Easter was actually in the mountains, with snow still, 2 years ago, my second one, if I am not wrong was here in Cluj, but for a very short time, as then I went back to Bucharest, and this is my third one, which is full @home, in Cluj .
It was really a good time with my family and some friends. I felt the presence of God in our family, and I hope my other family members felt it as well, it was nice to clean, cook, and paint eggs together with my mum, I think we have not done this together in a very long while.
I am very happy cause the Dream - part II is ongoing, and almost completed, I am very grateful for this amazing gift, which even though is not mine yet, it will be if I survive 30 years of credit:)  makes me feel really good, and I am actually looking forward to move there and enjoy the work and the investments done in this dream.
We need to see what will be the next dream about. Will it be around building up a family? around a business, or perhaps something that is fully new, and that I am not foreseeing? For sure God is already  at work, preparing the best for me, the thing that will please Him the most, I just can get excited about it.
All in all it was a good time spent, in church as well, with very good discussions around Jesus , the Cross and the Resurrection. I love being in church and listening to the sermons, I like to hear with great attention what the preacher is saying, I am really all eyes and ears on his words. I particularly liked this time the songs that were sung during the various sermons, I felt like they really went well with the preaching and they were right on my heart.
Not sure why today , and I think Friday a certain sadness approached me, leading me to take some decisions, that I am not sure were the right ones, but nevertheless they are already taken.
I need to think twice before reacting on my impulsivity, and also I need to question my motivation more than I am actually questioning it, as it seems like the things I do come from a wrong motivation, for example the decision today. This morning some things happened, I ve been part of some conversations, and based on these one, out of frustration, I took some decisions that are not the best.
The challenge is that deep inside the frustration is still correlated with something that is fully depending on me to change. I have limits and some limits should be broken with hard work, but to be honest I am too lazy, or things are not happening as I wish them too, so this is why I am complaining a lot.
The other thing is that I have not made my mind up around this other thing. Is like there is an empty table, and a large one. On this table there are some apples, but there are no great ones. So this is when I am looking and I am seeing the same red apple that whoever is around the table can see. This apple is not only red, so with great pigment, but also has the right shape, and promises a very good taste. So I somehow find myself longing for it, not necessary because he is the apple I want, but rather because I know that someone else, who is at the same table will see the apple and will want it as well. And this is why I make my mind up thinking that I want the apple, when actually I am not sure I do.
And this takes me to other tensed thoughts or even conversations with other people around this apple.
I bet this is confusing for someone who might read this, but as mentioned in other posts, this blog is more for me, so I do not really care that much if people do not understand the posts completely, I know I do and they are helping me.
Closing with one song I love:) and of course some pics:

  

Born again - 7 - April 3rd

I am now 7. Ready to go to school, or in some other countries already in the 1st grade.
I am a first grade Christian! What is to be said about that?
It is a journey, a never ending one, there are times in which is getting harder and harder, but there are days in which is just ...great.
I am changed and if I look inside me, I find Him in many things, and many thoughts, I love more , I care more about others, I am more sensitive towards others.
I was never like that, if you would have meet me years ago, I used to be a very aggressive and angry girl , for many reasons, some justified and some , majority not really justified.
But then one day, I met Him , I found Him and since then, I have been shaped and transformed by a love that is unmeasurable.
I am not complete, and I will never be, here on this Earth and in this life, but I know there will be a day when I will stand in front of Him, and I will be with Him, and this is when I will be complete, and be reunited with the Love of my Life, with my Maker.
I am excited about the journey, sometimes I am very happy and things are very easy, and happiness is floating, but sometimes I am not, and sadness is coming surrounding me.
This is the Dark side, if I am to quote Star Wars, all these negative emotions are not adding any more light to my life, but rather the opposite, this is why is very important to shut them down, and focus on the bright side.
I am so blessed in my life, with my family and with everything else, I am soo grateful for everything,
Thank you Jesus, thank you for not giving up on me, thank you for being always on my side, and thank you for a constant knock at my heart.
I give my life once again to you today, and always.

Blue eyed boy

This is a story about a blue eyed boy. He is one of my good friends, and he is very skilled in many areas. Not only his intelligence is above the average , and this is me being modest, actually he is really smart, he is very dedicated and focused on spiritual matters, I really admire him and the work that God is doing through him.

He is slow in speaking , and I think this is mostly because of the many thoughts he has in his mind, he thinks twice or maybe more times before he shares words or ideas, and when they come out, you just do not understand how can he see things like that? and u remain surprised and moved by the things he says.

He reads a lot, and this is what I admire as well in him, the fact that he is able to prioritize things that matter in his life versus the ones that are temporary. He is constantly investing in him and his relationship with God. He is sharing openly his views , ideas and learning from God's word, and this has been a great tool in the rare occasions I ve been part of his study group. What I know for sure is that this is not something that impacts me, but also the others.

The interesting fact is that he is a shy person, seems like an outcast, and in some ways he is, but then he just has this look, which is magnetic and which is drawing you to him, and make you listen, to what he says, or feels. You want to get inside of his mind and soul and see what is there, how the structures are, what thoughts and feelings are inside him, and what are his struggles if any. Sometimes you can even feel that he is suffering from something, perhaps often being tormented about his future , past, present or something else. He would not share much about these instances and he would not ask for help. This is how he is.  Often helping or expecting to be asked for help, but he on the other side would not take any support from others.

Perhaps is a matter of education or family background, or is simply just another thing that makes him so special.
He has got my attention in a way that no one else has. Intellectually he is challenging me to be better, emotionally he is challenging me to search more and understand these introverts and how do they work in real life. He is a mystery sitting in front of us, and I am not able to break this puzzle the way I would like too, perhaps this is why I am still motivated to try.

I remember the long conversations and the time spent over tea, trying to simplify and break ideas, to be able to chew them properly. He is able to develop the people around him, he has a power, he has a gift and I m not sure he even realizes the strength he has within.

The blue eyed boy is not a boy anymore, he is a man, and not a simple one. He is a strong and powerful man, but at the same time he is kind and caring for others.
I really appreciate him and he is in my prayers and reasons to be grateful for.
I pray to God to make him stronger in his teachings and to stand beside him always!