6 months since you are gone

 This is a 6 months elegy, for your absence.

I miss you dearly my dear one, and there is no day passing by without me thinking about you/about us. 

You were wonderful, and I feel your absence, it is a constant pain in my heart.....

I so much resonate with the below: 

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.

At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me.”
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

“For in grief nothing "stays put." One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral?

But if a spiral, am I going up or down it?

How often -- will it be for always? -- how often will the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say, "I never realized my loss till this moment"? The same leg is cut off time after time.”
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

“I thought I could describe a state; make a map of sorrow. Sorrow, hoever, turns out to be not a state but a process.”
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

Another Happy Birthday to me!!!

 Of course, delayed, but it is what it is. These days I do not get the time to spend as much time as I would like in the online environment, hence the huge delay of 13 days to wish myself Happy Birthday!

Someone reading this for the first time might actually think that I am the crazy lady that wishes herself a Happy Birthday, and I guess I can be that lady, but I also can be the lady who wants to keep memories of pleasant times, and specially the celebration times. 

This year was a very different birthday celebration. I had my birthday in London, but actually I felt very lonely, and I spent a good portion of my birthday crying. This is good for me, as I am not able to express my feelings through tears very often, so actually I was happy to be able to do something like this. 

I was crying not for ageing , but mostly because it is the first birthday without my sister being present. And that just hit me, big time, and it felt like I could not stand back on my feet. She was always around for my celebrations, specially for birthdays, and now she is no longer there. This was very painful for me, to acknowledge and to recover from it. 

I felt lonely, and hurt. And it was ok, for the time being to feel like that. I realized after that...in the following days that she was my biggest support, she was the most important encourager in my life, and I appreciated her very very much, but I actually never told her that she was this for me. 

I just think she knew, and she knows even now. 

How I feel at my new age? Well the same as previously, it is scary a bit that I have 1 more year to go and the prefix will change again, but that is it...no one can stop or change the course of life. 

What we need to focus on, is to make it more meaningful, and this is something I am trying to do. What I wished for this birthday, health, happiness and love. I can not, not think that maybe this will be the year in which I will find love, that kind of deep love that is focused on the inner being and not so much on the outer one. 

So...yes, celebrated my birthday in London with some dear friends and colleagues, then I had some wonderful time alone over a lovely concert of Vivaldi, 4 seasons. When I can home, I had one week of celebration, starting with my mum, who prepared everything for me, and it was lovely, to the girls that always surprise me, than the loyal friends that came the second day with a wonderful cake, then again my dear friends that came to wish me happy birthday and yet again another round of guests, just to conclude the celebration, so it was really really nice to feel loved and surrounded by all the dear ones in my life. 

I also got a chance to go and see my dearest friends in a city near by, for a wonderful and special lunch! It was great:) And I am so grateful that this happened, it was nice, despite all the pain inside. 

Of course, pictures to follow: