Autumn mornings

Is October again. I m seeing the nature taking her coat of leaves down, and trees are naked uncovered, exposed and vulnerable to whatever will come.
Here is a learning that we can have from this. Why we are so afraid of staying fully vulnerable one in front of other? The trees have no choice, one fine morning their leaves will start falling down one by one, and they can not stop the process. Shouldn t we be the same? Once we start to know someone shouldn t we just start to show our truly self?
I believe we are afraid of what will happen if we do so, or we have certain expectations, i will do that only if i get that or the other. And usually this is just in our heads, it is never communicated is just expected.
I want to be more vulnerable, and i want to be exposed and have faith that whatever i m exposing will be good for the person i am exposing myself too.
I do not want to have expectations or pans or hopes that if i m showing myself people will see how awesome i am...but at the same time, i do not want people to stop liking me for what they ve seeen beneath.
I just want to be open and sincere, and transparent.
I just want to be more like them trees.
Empty , transparent and fearless.

Dreams- any purpose in that?

What about dreams? Should we dream with eyes open or is not recommended?
I had this discussion with someone who i believe is recommending to risk and dream. The specific comment was that because i want to be always in control i do not dare to dream. And it is true, but i do not see why is it so wrong. For me it seems a very smart and good thing to apply in day to day life. Planning is very important, and just dreaming will not help anyone, and will not really set up the right expectation.
I had some dreams of course like everyone else, but i was hurt and there was no real benefit.
I m not sure what should i do next, if i should allow myself to dream or not...

I m thinking, praying and being in love with the world and people around me.

What next?

Now is the time when things will again change. I m not sure what would be the direction of this change, but i fell that there will be a personal change in my life. Things are slowly happening, i fell part of the city i am in now, i feel i am belonging to a group, and that there are people who care about me and my needs. It is a good thing that is happening. I am still connected though and my heart is still chained to the old people back home. And i m not sure how or when these chains will be broken.
Last night i had a very interesting discussion, one of many others, and i realize that even though there is not much there from a perspective, i really enjoy opening up with someone. I am learning something new, and i get to know myself better, which is a gain anyhow. The only issue that i have is that i can believe anything i want, and often like in this case, even if there are clear expectations set i still seem to perceive and than believe otherwise. This mind set is not helping anyone, and i need to start working on it and eliminating it if the case.
I am falling in love with music all over again, and this is another thing that will change in my life, seems like i a thirsty to hear and sing, and feel things. Is a different dimension of enjoying life. All my senses are ready and up to further experience life.
My prayer life is getting better and better. God is at work, and there are great things happening in my life. I feel like i am getting there, when my life will be settled and anchored much more in His Never ending Love.
Overall i am happy these days! and I am waiting for things to happen!!!

Respect is all you get

The weekend is gone. Another good weekend from some perspectives, not so good from others. It is always like this. I do not know what I want actually. I like to travel, i like to drive, i just want to take my car and run away from everything and everyone. I just want to reach a place where i can find myself. And recently i ve seen that i m able to find myself in company as well. What is interesting is that this is only with a certain someone, who is not always near me or available to develop this in me.
This person has no idea what kind of influence gets to me. I am dreaming sometimes. With my eyes both opened and closed, I manage somehow to dream and to believe whatever i want. And i think now is the case. I am seeing again certain things that do not exist. I need to stop doing that.
Is just respect what you get!
And is respect such a small thing? Not at all, is something that makes relationships last longer, however is not the thing everyone is running after.
The thing people are longing for ages is love. What is love? Why we prefer love over respect? Well i have no answer to that so far, as I ve been always the other person who preferred respect. But now?
now it seems like is not enough, and i m slowly becoming one of those people that are dreaming with the eyes opened. And they are not dreaming specific, but just dreaming about love.
i m not sure i want that. part of me would like to feel vulnerable and enjoy this kind of exercise, but somehow it feels like it is a weakness to be like that, and i need to continue to be strong and untouchable.
This is not always in my favour.
How things should be ? Very simple, there , then and now.
I am dreaming about things and periods of my life. I m afraid my life is getting shorter and shorter as time goes by. Actually this is ageing? ;) Sometimes back, i said i would like to age, now it seems like is not the case anymore.
Ideally i should have engaged in living my life in my 25th year or something, but unlike other ladies my age i was busy with surviving and making a life. And i am not sorry.

i love this song, as it comes from a very special person

One day...then another

One day seems like you have the world just for yourself, and then you wake up and you realize that you have been wrong all the time. You are not sure how that happened, but this is how is it now. And you need to start over. Usually you should not let your emotions reach to your soul, but when this happens is not that easy to step back up.
This is exactly what just happened to me. They reached deep into my cold soul, and now i m not sure how to pull myself up. I feel a bit sad, and i feel discouraged. I m not sure what am i doing around here. Is my place here? or not?
I need to believe, i need to understand that there is something more out there, is just that i m not able to see it right now, but one fine day i will, and i will be amazed by what gift i deserve.

But now, now my heart is in small pieces, and I m trying to fix it. The questions that come to my mind, are how come? how come it happened to me? and not for the first time, but almost the 3rd r 04th. What do i need to understand that this is not ok.
What does it need to happen to understand that i m not the kind of person that will easily reach that stage.
I m not sure.
I hope this pain will heal in sometimes. I hope i ll be able to forget, and forgive. And in the end is no one's fault. People have the right to choose anything, and this case is clear what the choice was. I would probably choose the same way. But wouldn't it be amazing is just for one time, just once it would happened differently? And i would be surprised, and finally fulfilled with joy and more happiness that i can carry?
Is it selfish to ask for something like that? Well i do not know.
In absence of something new, and in order not to be tormented by thoughts, this weekend was amazing, i made new friends, and i am starting to enjoy the life and the people in the capital city.
Here are the pictures:

Being content

What does it mean to be content?
What i believe is that there is a time in which you are happy with yourself, and u learn to embrace yourself as you are. And for me this is the time. I feel like i am now in a very good shape emotionally and spiritually ( for sure it can be better) but overall i am happy!
My life is settling down, i like my life in the capital city!
I am making new friends and work is going fine. On the family side seems like things are significantly improving and there is a quality engagement at a family level.
Also in regards of friends from Cluj the situation is far much better then it was.
I am 32 years old and happy! What next? God is blessing me with many things, and i am so grateful. Although i m waiting for one more thing which i am sure will soon come. I ve never believe that there will be a day in which i will actually believe and wait for things to happen. But these are the days and the periods, in which i am silently waiting for more. I feel i have now the right to dream bigger, and if it will not happen, well that s it, but the dream is there.