Spoiler this is not a happy post, so if anyone is not in the mood, they should avoid this one instance in which I am not able to focus on the bright side.
So we are here, after a week of pain and challenges, with a leg in the hospital and one out. I am feeling numb, although it seems like my lacrimal system is working slightly better than in the past years.
Actually this is a positive in all of this. I am frustrated cause I feel stuck, and there is not much that I can do. I can not even convince her around the decision that she might take.
Why I do not trust her? Perhaps she is right, and this is not needed, but how do I know? Surprisingly in this situation, my anxiety is pretty quiet, unclear how come. The object is there in front of me, and somehow I feel at peace. Is this the peace that comes from above? Perhaps, as I have never experienced it.
At times I just realize that I am thinking about death, and that one of my biggest fears is here, if something happens to her. And then the second minute, i am again calm, and relaxed, like dying is the most normal thing ever.
Death is a known destination, for me and for all of us. I need to accept this! It is painful, and we do not want it, but is the only thing that we can not escape from. I can not lie, and not say that I would death to come later and not right now, for all my family members.
I was thinking today, that I have such a small family, can we not live longer? Or die together? What is the purpose of living together, and dying separately? But you might say that we were not all born at the same time, and you are right, but still, I am dreaming, this is a dream, unsure if a good one.
So the valley of death, is it a valley that ends with death?
For most people who do not believe in Christ, most probably. So then what is there to do? How can I at least experience that, and make people understand that a life for Him, is basically a life that ends in Victory, for the resurrection and the after life. I pray she would open up her mind and her heart to welcome you Lord, so that we can accept the victory that You bring to the table, and the game changer that is brought once this happens.
Also, i can not lie, but i am hoping for a physical victory as well. She is one of the most resilient person, so I am almost 100% that she will beat this and that she will come home, to see Milan and all the rest.
Father, please give her the strength in all the organs, and specially to her heart, kidney's and to her mind, to be able to overcome this. Please Father help us walk through this valley together, close to You and be victorious. Lord. I trust You, and I know your are sovereign, so I put all of this into your Mighty hand, please have mercy.
Father, I thank you for all your blessings and all your provision till day, please be with us from today till the end of time, and afterward.
I end this post, not feeling sad, but feeling faithful. Having faith in your promises, and in the fact that things are in Your control, and that no matter happens, You are with us, and You will give us what we need to be able to walk this valley, or any other that might appear. Also, Father, I know and i echo the fact that You are a good Father!
Amen!
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