It is a time when I am experiencing a wider palette of emotions, than I am use too. I use to know very well the positive emotions such as joy, content, excitement etc.
But for the past two months, and reaching a smaller pick today, I have experienced the negative emotions as sadness, grief, frustration, anger, disappointment etc.
The difference between the two set of emotions is that the second ones force you to look deeper, into your soul to see what is going on there. And it is not always good, or easy to go down there and see what you find.
Currently, I am spiraling down a bit on this route of sadness and despair. The news we received today puts the things into a new perspective, one that we were not really keen to every experience. And it seems like there is very little time to process, and very little willingness to process.
Why you might ask? Cause the pain is too heavy to contain, and if it bursts, then you wonder if you can stop it...and if you are not able to stop it...then it will just confuse you more, and complicate the things.
But not experiencing it fully, does not mean that is not there. Laughing can be done with a broken heart, saying you are ok in a business meeting can be done with a broken heart, many things can be done while you feel broken.
So the question in my mind is...if this is how it is now, as a preview...how will it be, when I ll be there? When the actual thing will happen?
Will I be ever able to recover? How will my life look if this happens? How will we ever fill that huge void that will remain?
Questions that will remain without answer, at least for a while.
Courage dear heart...
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